August 28, 2014

Believe in yourself and you can achieve greatness in your life. – Judy Blume

TODAY – AUGUST 28th – THURSDAY

240th day of 2014 with 125 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Cherry Turnover Day

*Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1749 Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German writer and scientist (epic and lyric poetry in a variety of metres and styles)
  • 1774 Elizabeth Ann Seton, NYC, New York, founder of Sisters of Charity, first native-born citizen of U.S. to be made a saint of the Roman Catholic Church
  • 1908 Roger Tory Peterson, Jamestown, New York, naturalist & ornithologist (one of founding inspirations for environmental movement), author (A Bird-Watcher’s Anthology, Wildlife in Color, How to Know the Birds, Birds Over America)
  • 1916 Jack Vance, San Francisco, California, author (The Dragon Masters, The Last Castle, The Man in the Cage)
  • 1921 Nancy Kulp, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, actress (Miss Jane Hathaway on The Beverly Hillbillies)
  • 1930 Ben Gazzarra, NYC, New York, actor (Justice, Run for Your Life, The Young Doctors, Road House)
  • 1940 Ken Jenkins, Dayton, Ohio, actor (Scrubs, Cougar Town)
  • 1942 Sterling Morrison, East Meadow, New York, American guitarist (The Velvet Underground)
  • 1943 David Soul, Chicago, Illinois,actor (Starsky and Hutch )
  • 1948 Danny Seraphine, Chicago, Illinois, musician (Chicago)
  • 1948 Vonda McIntyre, Louisville, Kentucky, author (Dreamsnake, The Moon and the Sun, ST: The Entropy Effect, Enterprise: The First Adventure, Star Wars: The Crystal Star)
  • 1951 Wayne Osmond, Ogden, Utah,singer (The Osmonds)
  • 1957 Daniel Stern, Bethesda, Maryland, actor (The Wonder Years)
  • 1958 Scott Hamilton, Ohio, figure skater (Olympic gold medalist, 4 U.S. championships, 4 World Championships)
  • 1962 Craig Anton, Omaha, Nebraska, actor and comedian (Phil of the Future )
  • 1965 Amanda Tapping, English-born Canadian actress (Samantha Carter in Stargate SG-1 & Stargate Atlantis, Helen Magnus in Sanctuary)
  • 1969 Jack Black, Hermosa Beach, California, actor / comedian (High Fidelity, Nacho Libre, Gulliver’s Travels, King Kong, School of Rock, Kung Fu Panda)
  • 1969 Jason Priestley, Canadian-American actor (Beverly Hills 90210, Call Me Fitz)
  • 1971 Todd Eldredge, Chatham, Massachusetts, figure skater (1996 World Champion, 6 x U.S. national champion)
  • 1973 Matthew John Armstrong, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Heroes, American Dreams)

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Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself. – Mahatma Gandhi

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1565 Pedro Menéndez de Avilés sights land near St. Augustine, Florida and founds the oldest continuously occupied European-established city in the continental United States.
  • 1609 Delaware Bay discovered by Henry Hudson.
  • 1789 New moon of Saturn called Enceladus is discovered by William Herschel.
  • 1830 Race between the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad’s new Tom Thumb steam locomotive and a horse-drawn car begins era of steam in US railroading.
  • 1845 The first issue of Scientific American magazine is published.
  • 1867 The United States takes possession of the, at this point unoccupied, Midway Atoll.
  • 1898 Caleb Bradham invents the carbonated soft drink that will later be called “Pepsi-Cola”.
  • 1901 Silliman University is founded in the Philippines. The first American private school in the country.
  • 1917 Ten Suffragettes are arrested while picketing the White House.
  • 1955 Black teenager Emmett Till is murdered in Mississippi, galvanizing the nascent American Civil Rights Movement.
  • 1957 U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond begins a filibuster to prevent the Senate from voting on Civil Rights Act of 1957; he stopped speaking 24 hours and 18 minutes later, the longest filibuster ever conducted by a single Senator.
  • 1963 Martin Luther King, Jr. gives his I Have a Dream speech during March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom.
  • 1968 Riots in Chicago, Illinois, during the Democratic National Convention.
  • 1990 The Plainfield Tornado: an F5 tornado hits in Plainfield, Illinois, and Joliet, Illinois, killing 28 people.
  • 1996 Charles, Prince of Wales and Diana, Princess of Wales divorce.
  • 2003 An electricity blackout cuts off power to around 500,000 people living in south east England and brings 60% of London’s underground rail network to a halt.

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Two cab drivers met. “Hey,” asked one, “why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?”

“Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

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A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

“OK” he said, re-entering the crowded bar “I’m gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain’t back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City.”

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they’d found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.

“Excuse me stranger” he said, “but what happened in Dodge City?”

The cowboy replied: “I had to walk home!”

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ONE-LINERS: If Men Got Pregnant…

Maternity leave would last for two years…with full pay.

There’d be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s number one health problem.

All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness.

Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment.

They wouldn’t think twins were quite so cute.

Fathers would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm.

Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.

They’d have to stop saying, “I’m afraid I’ll drop him.”

Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

They’d stay in bed for the entire nine months.

Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.

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The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home. That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad’s car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared.

After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening. When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car – someone must have bumped into the car and drove off.

Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater/spraypainter to fix their dad’s car. Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.

Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge,

“A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch!”

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pic of the day: Llama gets a cool drink on a hot day…


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

At the Waffle house, a regular customer was served his breakfast, but it arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one on the floor and was making another.

Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen with the freshly cooked sausage on a small plate and said, “Here you are.”

And the customer said, “Look. It’s the missing link!”
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Two men take a wrong turn and walk into a room in the San Francisco City Hall. A man walks up to them, says a lot of junk, and finally declares, “I now pronounce you spouse and spouse.”

One man looks at the other and tells the Justice of the Peace, “We just came in here to get fishing licenses!”

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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

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Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can’t learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

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QUIP OF THE DAY: In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they turn it into TV shows – Woody Allen

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

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