Jokes and Trivia for August 29, 2013

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

TODAY – AUGUST 29th – THURSDAY

241st day of 2013 with 124 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*More Herbs, Less Salt Day

*Chop Suey Day

*Lemon Juice Day

*International Day against Nuclear Tests

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1809 Oliver Wendell Holmes, Cambridge, Maine, physician/author (Old Ironsides)
  • 1876 Charles F. Kettering, Loudonville, Ohio, inventor (electrical starting motor and leaded gasoline)
  • 1915 Ingrid Bergman, Sweden, actress (Casablanca, Cactus Flower)
  • 1916 George Montgomery, Brady, Montana, actor/furnituremaker/sculptor (Battle of Bulge, Hallucination)
  • 1923 Richard Attenborough, English actor & director (The Great Escape, Miracle on 34th Street, Jurassic Park)
  • 1936 John McCain, Panama Canal Zone, American politician (Senator AZ)
  • 1938 Elliott Gould, Brooklyn, New York, actor (M*A*S*H , Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen )
  • 1941 Robin Leach, English TV host (Life Styles of Rich & Famous)
  • 1952 Deborah Van Valkenburgh, Schenectady, New York, actress (Too Close for Comfort )
  • 1952 Karen Hesse, Baltimore, Maryland, children’s writer (Phoenix Rising, Out of the Dust)
  • 1958 Michael Jackson, Gary, Indiana, pop singer (recognized as the most successful entertainer of all time by Guinness World Records)
  • 1959 Rebecca De Mornay, California, actress (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Risky Business, Wedding Crashers)
  • 1975 Dante Basco, Pittsburg, California, Filipino/American actor (Zuko in the Nickelodeon series Avatar: The Last Airbender, American Dragon: Jake Long )
  • 1986 Lea Michele, The Bronx, New York, actress and singer (Spring Awakening, Glee )
  • 1990 Nicole Anderson, Rochester, Indiana, actress (JONAS L.A., Make It or Break It )

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“Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.” – Will Rogers

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1756 Frederick the Great attacks Saxony, beginning the Seven Years’ War.
  • 1758 The first American Indian Reservation is established, at Indian Mills, New Jersey.
  • 1786 Shays’ Rebellion, an armed uprising of Massachusetts farmers, begins in response to high debt and tax burdens.
  • 1831 Michael Faraday discovers electromagnetic induction.
  • 1885 Gottlieb Daimler patents the world’s first internal combustion motorcycle, the Reitwagen
  • 1898 The Goodyear tire company is founded.
  • 1911 Ishi, considered the last Native American to make contact with European Americans, emerges from the wilderness of northeastern California.
  • 1915 US Navy salvage divers raise F-4, the first U.S. submarine sunk in accident.
  • 1916 The United States passes the Philippine Autonomy Act.
  • 1958 United States Air Force Academy opens in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
  • 1965 Astronauts Cooper & Conrad complete 120 Earth orbits in Gemini 5 and land back on earth.
  • 1966 The Beatles perform their last concert before paying fans at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.
  • 2005 Hurricane Katrina devastates much of the U.S. Gulf Coast from Louisiana to the Florida Panhandle, killing more than 1,836 and causing over $80 billion in damage.

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”

“Yes,” the boy’s mother answered.

“And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked.

“Who cares?” the mother replied.

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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, “Alright. Get in.”

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ONE-LINERS: Medical Chart Notes

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, “Sure. Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.” says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? “

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know anything about my business.”

“Now give me back my dog!”

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pic of the day: Sheep – Dog

picture of sheep and dog

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WARNING! DOGGIE PUN ZONE!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: “Well, doggone!”

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

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There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side!

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It was the interval at the Opera when Mrs. Sternberg rose from her seat and called: “Is there a doctor in the house? Is there a doctor in the house?!”

A man in a tuxedo pushed his way towards her. “I’m a doctor” he said.

“Oh, doctor,” she said, “Have I got just the loveliest daughter for you….”
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The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, “Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?”

This didn’t sound anything like my name, so I asked, “Who is calling?”

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, “Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood.”

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable

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One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields.

The first cow said, “I’m telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I’ve heard it’s spreading so fast that it’s already on Farmer Rubin’s land just down the road!”

The second cow replied, “So what? It doesn’t affect us chickens!”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. – Doug Larson

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong.” ― Laura Ingalls Wilder

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