August 29, 2014

The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. ~Author Unknown

TODAY – AUGUST 29th – FRIDAY

241st day of 2014 with 124 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*More Herbs, Less Salt Day

*Chop Suey Day

*Lemon Juice Day

*International Day against Nuclear Tests

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1809 Oliver Wendell Holmes, Cambridge, Maine, physician/author (Old Ironsides)
  • 1876 Charles F. Kettering, Loudonville, Ohio, inventor (electrical starting motor and leaded gasoline)
  • 1915 Ingrid Bergman, Sweden, actress (Casablanca, Cactus Flower)
  • 1916 George Montgomery, Brady, Montana, actor/furnituremaker/sculptor (Battle of Bulge, Hallucination)
  • 1923 Richard Attenborough, English actor & director (The Great Escape, Miracle on 34th Street, Jurassic Park)
  • 1936 John McCain, Panama Canal Zone, American politician (Senator AZ)
  • 1938 Elliott Gould, Brooklyn, New York, actor (M*A*S*H , Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen, Mulaney)
  • 1941 Robin Leach, English TV host (Life Styles of Rich & Famous)
  • 1952 Deborah Van Valkenburgh, Schenectady, New York, actress (Too Close for Comfort)
  • 1952 Karen Hesse, Baltimore, Maryland, children’s writer (Phoenix Rising, Out of the Dust, Letters from Rifka)
  • 1954 Michael P. Kube-McDowell, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, author (The Trigon Disunity, Star Wars: The Black Fleet, Vectors)
  • 1958 Michael Jackson, Gary, Indiana, pop singer (recognized as the most successful entertainer of all time by Guinness World Records)
  • 1959 Chris Hadfield, Canadian colonel, pilot, and astronaut (STS-74, STS-100, Soyuz TMA-07M, Expedition 34/35), link To Chris’s YouTube channel
  • 1959 Rebecca De Mornay, California, actress (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Risky Business, Wedding Crashers, American Reunion)
  • 1960 Todd English, Amarillo, Texas, chef (Olives restaurant in Boston & Las Vegas), television personality (Food Trip with Todd English, Cooking Under Fire)
  • 1971 Carla Gugino, Sarasota, Florida, actress (Spy Kids, Sucker Punch, Sin City, Entourage, WAtchmen, Threshold, Night at the Museum, Race to Witch Mountain, Mr. Popper’s Penguins)
  • 1975 Dante Basco, Pittsburg, California, Filipino/American actor (Nickelodeon series Avatar: The Last Airbender, American Dragon, Hook)
  • 1980 William Levy, Cuban-American actor (Dancing with the Stars Season 14, Single Ladies, A Change of Heart)
  • 1986 Lea Michele, The Bronx, New York, actress and singer (Spring Awakening, Glee, Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return)
  • 1990 Nicole Anderson, Rochester, Indiana, actress (JONAS L.A., Make It or Break It, Ravenswood, RedLine, Never)

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“Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.” – Will Rogers

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1756 Frederick the Great attacks Saxony, beginning the Seven Years’ War.
  • 1758 The first American Indian Reservation is established, at Indian Mills, New Jersey.
  • 1786 Shays’ Rebellion, an armed uprising of Massachusetts farmers, begins in response to high debt and tax burdens.
  • 1831 Michael Faraday discovers electromagnetic induction.
  • 1885 Gottlieb Daimler patents the world’s first internal combustion motorcycle, the Reitwagen
  • 1898 The Goodyear tire company is founded.
  • 1911 Ishi, considered the last Native American to make contact with European Americans, emerges from the wilderness of northeastern California.
  • 1915 US Navy salvage divers raise F-4, the first U.S. submarine sunk in accident.
  • 1916 The United States passes the Philippine Autonomy Act.
  • 1958 United States Air Force Academy opens in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
  • 1965 Astronauts Cooper & Conrad complete 120 Earth orbits in Gemini 5 and land back on earth.
  • 1966 The Beatles perform their last concert before paying fans at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.
  • 2005 Hurricane Katrina devastates much of the U.S. Gulf Coast from Louisiana to the Florida Panhandle, killing more than 1,836 and causing over $80 billion in damage.

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Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

“Why don’t you use an old ball?” his friend Sam asked.

“I’ve never had an old ball,” Morris said.

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A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ”R,” and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ”Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.” In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates–many of them already laughing at him–then replied, ”Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn’t cooked enough.”

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ONE-LINERS: Funny Things Cops Say

#16 “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder that the one you just went through.”

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here!

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A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”

The captain doesn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear.

She immediately gets up, says, “Thank you so much,” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, “I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to LA.”

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pic of the day: Butterfly on Joe Pye Weed


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ Blessed are they who make it through April, for they shall be in dismay.
~ Blessed are the bread makers, for they shall rise to the occasion.
~ Blessed are those in medical school, for they shall become ill-literate.
~ Blessed are the unemployed jesters, for they shalt be nobody’s fool.
~ Blessed are bald men, for they shall not have toupee for haircuts.
~ Blessed are the taxidermists, for they shall know their stuff.

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A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.

The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.

She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, “What do you suggest I wash it down with?”

“Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River.”

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William’s wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient’s nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

“Well,” William answered. “I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”

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Volvo for Women

Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women called the YCC, ‘Your Concept Car.’ Among its cutting-edge femifeatures:

— Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

— An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles

— Permanent press fenders.

— A dashboard voice console that’s programmed to ask strangers for directions.

— Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Whatever it is!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city – George Burns

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .Many a person has held close, throughout their entire lives, two friends that always remained strange to one another, because one of them attracted by virtue of similarity, the other by difference. ~ Emil Ludwig

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