August 4, 2014

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. – William Arthur Ward

TODAY – AUGUST 4th – MONDAY

216th day of 2014 with 149 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*U.S. Coast Guard Day

*Family Fun Month

*National Catfish Month

*National Eye Exam Month

*National Peach Month

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1719 Johann Gottlob Lehmann, German minerologist and geologist (Noted for his geologic record leading to the development of stratigraphy)
  • 1755 Nicolas-Jacque Conte, French painter, inventor (modern pencil)
  • 1792 Percy Bysshe Shelley, England, romantic poet (Adonais)
  • 1805 William Rowan Hamilton, Dublin, Ireland, mathematician (contributions to classical mechanics, optics, and algebra)
  • 1821 James White, Palmyra, Maine , theologian (co-founder of the Seventh-day Adventist Church)
  • 1863 Alexander George McAdie, American meteorologist (pioneer in employing kites in the exploration of high altitude air conditions; invention of a device to prevent frost from harming fruit)
  • 1901 Louis Armstrong, New Orleans, Louisiana, Jazz musician & bandleader (“Hello Dolly” – oldest musician in Billboard history to have a Number One song)
  • 1913 Robert Hayden, Detroit, Michigan, poet (consultant in Poetry to the Library of Congress in 1976)
  • 1915 Warren Avis, Bay City, Michigan, entrepreneur (founded the Avis Rent A Car System Inc. in 1946)
  • 1918 Iceberg Slim (a.k.a. Robert Beck), author (The Story of My Life)
  • 1920 Helen Thomas, Winchester, Kentucky, journalist (member of White House Press Corps)
  • 1955 Billy Bob Thornton, Hot Springs, Arkansas, actor and writer (One False Move, Sling Blade, A Simple Plan, Friday Night Lights, The Astronaut Farmer)
  • 1956 Gerry Cooney, Manhattan, New York, boxer (Gentleman Gerry)
  • 1957 Brooks D. Simpson, Freeport, New York, historian (Ulysses S. Grant: Triumph over Adversity, 1822-1865)
  • 1961 Barack Obama, Honolulu, Hawaii, 44th President of the United States
  • 1961 Lauren Tom, Chicago, Illinois, actress (The Joy Luck Club, Escape to Witch Mountain, Friends, Superman, King of the Hill, Futurama, Codename: Kids Next Door, W.I.T.C.H., American Dragon: Jake Long, The Replacements)
  • 1962 Roger Clemens, Dayton, Ohio, Boston Red Sox pitcher (Cy Young, MVP)
  • 1969 Michael DeLuise, Los Angeles, California, actor  (21 Jump Street, NYPD Blue, seaQuest DSV, Brooklyn South, Gilmore Girls)
  • 1971 Jeff Gordon, Vallejo, California, NASCAR driver (4 time SPRINT Cup Series champion, car #24)
  • 1978 Kurt Busch, Las Vegas, Nevada, NASCAR driver (2004 SPRINT Cup winner, wins in all three of NASCAR’s top divisions (Nextel Cup, Busch, and Craftsman Truck Series))
  • 1981 Abigail Spencer, Gulf Breeze, Florida, actress ( Cowboys & Aliens, Chasing Mavericks, The Haunting in Connecticut 2, Oz the Great and Powerful, This is Where I Leave You Angela’s Eyes, Burning Love, Rectify)
  • 1992 Dylan and Cole Sprouse, Italy, child actors (Grace Under Fire, The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, The Suite Life on Deck)

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Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. – Elbert Hubbard

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1790 US Coast Guard founded as Revenue Cutter Service.
  • 1821 Atkinson & Alexander publish the Saturday Evening Post for the first time as a weekly newspaper.
  • 1944 The Holocaust: a tip from a Dutch informer leads the Gestapo to a sealed-off area in an Amsterdam warehouse where they find Jewish diarist Anne Frank and her family.
  • 1947 The Supreme Court of Japan is established.
  • 1974 A bomb explodes in the Italicus Express train at San Benedetto Val di Sambro, Italy, killing 12 people and wounding 22.
  • 1975 The Japanese Red Army takes more than 50 hostages at the AIA Building housing.
  • 1977 President Carter establishes Department of Energy.
  • 1996 26th Olympic Summer games close in Atlanta, Georgia
  • 2002 Soham murders: 10 year old school girls Jessica Chapman and Holly Wells go missing from the town of Soham, Cambridgeshire in the United Kingdom.
  • 2005 Prime Minister Paul Martin announces that Michaëlle Jean will be Canada’s 27th — and first black — Governor General.
  • 2006 Trincomalee massacre of NGO workers, is carried out by Sri Lankan government forces, killing 17 employees of the French INGO Action Against Hunger (known internationally as Action Contre la Faim, or ACF).
  • 2007 NASA’s Phoenix spaceship is launched.

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I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor hold me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn’t speak.

The nurse patted my hand and said, “Don’t worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it’s not a dangerous procedure.”

“You’re right. I’m being silly,” I said, “Please continue.”

“Good,” the nurse went on, “Now, do you have a living will?”

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In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

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ONE-LINERS: REFRIGERATOR MAGNET SLOGANS

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean – Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

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Driving to the supermarket one day, I turned left into a parking row and accidentally struck another car that was backing out.
There was just enough damage done that the other driver would need to file a police report to get her insurance company to pay for it and she was livid.
A few weeks later my husband and I were helping a friend with her yard sale, when that same woman sauntered up the driveway, checking out the items my friend had laid out for sale.
“There’s that woman from my accident,” I frantically whispered to my husband. “What should I do?”
My husband had no sympathy. “Just go up to her,” he advised, “and say ‘Nice bumping into you again.’ ”

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pic of the day: Duck!

duck picture
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WARNING! DOCTOR PUN ZONE!
“Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I’m a bell!”
“Go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.”

“Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!”
“Pull yourself together, man!”

“Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?”
“Stick your foot out and trip it.”

“Doctor, doctor! What are you writing on my ankle?”
“Just a footnote.”

A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!”
The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

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One morning soon after the doors opened in the store where I work, a man rushed to the jewelry counter and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and he quickly selected a pair.
I asked him, “Would you like the earrings gift wrapped?”
“That’d be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I’m taking out the trash.”

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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

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I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I finally used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address.
The cashier examined my check and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.
“Why do you ask?” I responded.
“Because my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don’t remember seeing you at breakfast.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” — Oscar Wilde

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless. – Jamie Paolinetti

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