August 5, 2014

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. – Tony Robbins

TODAY – AUGUST 5th – TUESDAY

195th day of 2014 with 169 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Oyster Day

*Work Like a Dog Day

*Romance Awareness Month
*Water Quality Month
*National Picnic Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1802 Niels Henrik Abel, Nedstrand, Norway, mathematician (proved the impossibility of solving the quintic equation in radicals)
  • 1862 Joseph Merrick, Leicester, England, sideshow performer called the “Elephant Man” due to his deformities
  • 1866 Carl Harries, Luckenwalde, Germany, chemist (established experimental procedures for ozonolysis)
  • 1904 Kenneth V. Thimann, English-American plant physiologist (plant physiology; hormones that control the development of plants)
  • 1906 John Huston, Nevada, Missouri, director/writer (African Queen, Chinatown)
  • 1930 Neil Armstrong, Wapakoneta, Ohio, astronaut (first man to walk on the moon (20 July 1969, Apollo 11))
  • 1934 Wendell Berry, Henry County, Kentucky, poet, writer and farmer
  • 1945 Loni Anderson, St. Paul, Minnesota, actress (Jennifer-WKRP in Cincinnati)
  • 1956 Maureen McCormick, Encinco, California, actress (Marcia-Brady Bunch, Outsider’s Inn)
  • 1960 David Baldacci, Richmond, Virginia, author (Stone Cold, Divine Justice, Zero Day, The Innocent, The Hit, Absolute Power, The Winner, Saving Faith)
  • 1975 Ami Foster, American actress (Punky Brewster, Cirucs of the Stars, Pound Puppies)
  • 1980 Sophie Winkleman, English actress (The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Shattered, Love Live Long, Two and a Half Men, Titanic TV series)
  • 1981 Cory Williams, Merced, California, internet celebrity (YouTube Mr. Safety of SMP Films / Mean Kitty Song)
  • 1982 Pete Sell, West Islip, New York, mixed martial artist (member of the Serra-Longo Fight Team)

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“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” – Aristotle

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1858 Cyrus W Field completes 1st transatlantic telegraph cable.
  • 1861 US levies its 1st Income Tax (3% of incomes over $800).
  • 1864 Spectrum of a comet observed for 1st time, by Giovanni Donati.
  • 1864 Battle of Mobile Bay, Alabama; Admiral David Farragut orders “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”
  • 1884 Cornerstone for Statue of Liberty laid on Bedloe’s Island (NYC).
  • 1914 In Cleveland, Ohio, the first electric traffic light is installed.
  • 1925 Plaid Cymru is formed with the aim of disseminating knowledge of the Welsh language that was at the time in danger of dying out.
  • 1949 In Ecuador an earthquake destroys 50 towns and kills more than 6000.
  • 1957 American Bandstand, a show dedicated to the teenage “baby-boomers” by playing the songs and showing popular dances of the time, debuts on the ABC television network.
  • 1960 Burkina Faso, then known as Upper Volta, becomes independent from France.
  • 1962 1st quasar located by radio.
  • 1962 Nelson Mandela is jailed. He would not be released until 1990.
  • 1963 The United States, United Kingdom, and Soviet Union sign a nuclear test ban treaty.
  • 1964 Vietnam War: Operation Pierce Arrow – American aircraft from carriers USS Ticonderoga and USS Constellation bomb North Vietnam in retaliation for strikes attacked U.S. destroyers in the Gulf of Tonkin.
  • 1969 Mariner program: Mariner 7 makes its closest fly-by of Mars (3,524 kilometers).
  • 1981 President Ronald Reagan fires 11,359 striking air-traffic controllers who ignored his order for them to return to work.
  • 1995 The city of Knin, a significant Serb stronghold, is captured by Croatian forces during Operation Storm. The date is celebrated as the Victory Day (Croatia).

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Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”

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While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, “State reason this item is needed,” so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be “My old copy is lost” or “The cover is falling off.” Instead he replied, “My edition defines spaceship as an ‘imaginary aircraft.'” He got his new dictionary.

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ONE-LINERS: Camping Tips

– Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

– A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

– The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

– When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

– Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

– A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

– A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

– In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey stole my beer.” The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it, I’ll play it.”

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pic of the day: Eastern Tiger Swallowtail

picture of Tiger Swallowtail butterfly
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, “Tick – Tock” over and over.

After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn’t even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, “Tick…Tick…Tick…”

The German officer in charge went up to him and said, “You thinks you iss so schmart! But I’m telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!”
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Definitions for Parents

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the mashed carrots.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a washrag.”

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At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

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When a physician remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family.”

“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” I asked.

“Neither,” he replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.”

“Oh, come now,” I said. “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?”

He sighed. “You oughta meet ’em sometime, Doc!”
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When my son was in the Air Force, my wife and I visited quite often. On our first visit, we were allowed inside this top secret Communications Center, but everything in sight was covered up so we could look around everywhere — Heck, even the toilet paper in the Men’s room was disguised.

Anyway, at the exit, there’s a sign above the door, which reads: “You have been exposed to Top Secret Material. Please destroy yourself before leaving the building.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. – Dalai Lama

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