August 8, 2014

If you count all your assets, you always show a profit. – Robert Quillen

TODAY – AUGUST 8th – FRIDAY

220th day of 2014 with 145 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Zucchini Day
*Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day

*National Frozen Custard Day

*Happiness Happens Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1814 Esther Morris, Tioga County, New York, suffragist and the first U. S. woman judge
  • 1879 Bob Smith, St. Johnsbury, Vermont, physician and surgeon, founder of Alcoholics Anonymous
  • 1884 Sara Teasdale, St. Louis, Missouri, poet (1st Pulitzer Prize-1918-”Love Songs”)
  • 1896 Majorie Rawlings, Washington, D.C., author (The Yearling, Jacob’s Ladder, The Sojourner, The Secret River)
  • 1901 Ernest O. Lawrence, Canton, South Dakota, physicist (invention, utilization, and improvement of the cyclotron atom-smasher)
  • 1902 Paul Dirac, Bristol, England, physicist (contributions to the early development of both quantum mechanics and quantum electrodynamics)
  • 1921 Esther Williams, Inglewood, California, actress/swimmer (Dangerous when Wet)
  • 1926 Richard Anderson, Long Branch, New Jersey, actor (The Six Million Dollar Man, The Bionic Woman )
  • 1932 Mel Tillis, Tampa, Florida, country singer/stutterer (Who’s Julie, M-M-Mel)
  • 1937 Dustin Hoffman, Los Angeles, California, actor (Papillon, Marathon Man, Midnight Cowboy, Little Big Man, Lenny, All the President’s Men, Kramer vs. Kramer, Tootsie, Rain Man, Wag the Dog )
  • 1944 Brooke Bundy, New York City, New York, actress (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors and its sequel )
  • 1947 Larry Wilcox, San Diego, California, actor (CHiPs )
  • 1949 Keith Carradine, San Mateo, California, actor (King Fu, Young Guns, Deadwood)
  • 1950 Ken Kutaragi, Tokyo, Japan, Founder of PlayStation
  • 1958 Deborah Norville, Dalton, Georgia, television host
  • 1973 Scott Stapp, Cherokee, North Carolina, singer (Creed)
  • 1976 JC Chasez, Washington, DC, singer (NSYNC)
  • 1976 Tawny Cypress, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, actress (Heroes )
  • 1977 Lindsay Sloane, Long Island, New York, actress (Bring It On, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch)

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“May you live every day of your life.” ― Jonathan Swift

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1220 Sweden is defeated by Estonian tribes in the Battle of Lihula.
  • 1794Joseph Whidbey leads an expedition to search for the Northwest Passage near Juneau, Alaska.
  • 1839 Beta Theta Pi is founded in Oxford, Ohio.
  • 1863 American Civil War: following his defeat in the Battle of Gettysburg, General Robert E. Lee sends a letter of resignation to Confederate President Jefferson Davis (which is refused upon receipt).
  • 1876 Thomas Edison receives a patent for his mimeograph.
  • 1908 Wilbur Wright makes his first flight at a racecourse at Le Mans, France. It is the Wright Brothers’ first public flight.
  • 1910The US Army installs the first tricycle landing gear on the Army’s Wright Flyer.
  • 1911 The millionth patent is filed in the United States Patent Office by Francis Holton for a tubeless vehicle tire.
  • 1945 The United Nations Charter is signed for the United States by President Harry S. Truman. The U.S. was the third nation to join.
  • 1946 First flight of the Convair B-36.
  • 1967 The Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) is founded by Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Singapore and Thailand.
  • 1974 Watergate scandal: U.S. President Richard Nixon announces his resignation, effective the next day.
  • 1989 Space Shuttle program: STS-28 Mission – Space Shuttle Columbia takes off on a secret five-day military mission.
  • 2000 Confederate submarine H.L. Hunley is raised to the surface after 136 years on the ocean floor and 30 years after its discovery by undersea explorer E. Lee Spence and 5 years after being filmed by a dive team funded by novelist Clive Cussler.
  • 2007 An EF2 tornado touches down in Kings County and Richmond County, New York State, the most powerful tornado in New York to date and the first in Brooklyn since 1889.
  • 2009Typhoon Morakot makes landfall in Taiwan, and almost the entire southern region of Taiwan is flooded by record-breaking rainfall.

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My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, “I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath.”

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, “When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest.”

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A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”

“Well then, just give me my money back.”

“Cain’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

“OK then, just unload the donkey.”

“What ya gonna do with em.”

“I’m gonna raffle him off.”

“Ya cain’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”

“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.”

“Didn’t no one complain?”

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.”

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ONE-LINERS: Looks bad on resume cover letters
1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with “I was recently acquitted.”
6. I’m really tall, so I think I’d be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. I’m confident that I’ll get this job. The voices told me.

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”

“Yes,” the boy’s mother answered.

“And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked.

“Who cares?” the mother replied.

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pic of the day: Bumblebee on Hydrangea Bloom

picture of bumblebee
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulled up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulled up on the right. The man leaned down, pulled open the door, and jumped off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opened the door on the other side and jumped onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, “What was that about?”

He replied, “It’s just a stage I’m going through.”

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An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.”

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

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Signs That You Are Cheap

1. You attend a weekly coupon club.

2. You’ve been driving on the spare tire for over three months.

3. Fast food is your idea of fine dining.

4. You spend more time counting change during a single week than you spend at church.

5. You’re outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a nickel.

6. You haven’t purchased a name brand product in the past ten years.

7. You take the pennies from the container next to the cash register.

8. Your family gets presents a week after Christmas because you love that fifty-percent discount.

9. Matinee. Every time.

10. You code all your own software rather than buy it.

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Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding. One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”

The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”

“What do you call it?”

“We call it a football wedding.”

The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”

The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

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