Author Archives: Joker

Humor for July 25, 2017

Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect.  We take what we get and are thankful it’s no worse than it is. – Margaret Mitchell

TODAY – JULY 25th – TUESDAY

206th day of 2016 with 159 days to follow. Moon is waxing with 6% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Act Like A Caveman Day
~ Culinarians Day
~ National Hot Fudge Sundae Day
~ Threading the Needle Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1844 Thomas Eakins, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, artist, painter, photographer (Realism movement/ photography innovator)
  • 1867 Alexander Rummler, Dubuque, Iowa, painter (signing of WWI armistice painting)
  • 1923 Estelle Getty, New York City, New York, actress (Sophia Petrillo on Golden Girls)
  • 1954 Walter Payton, Columbia, Mississippi, NFL running back (Chicago Bears), advocate for organ donations
  • 1967 Matt LeBlanc, Newton, Massachusetts, actor (Friends , Joey, Episodes, Man with a Plan)
  • 1978 Louise Brown, Oldham, England, world’s 1st `test tube baby’
  • 1987 Michael Welch, Los Angeles, California, actor (Joan of Arcadia , Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Z Nation)

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What is the use of running when we are not on the right road? – German Proverb
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1755 British governor Charles Lawrence and the Nova Scotia Council order the deportation of the Acadians. Thousands of Acadians are sent to the British Colonies in America, France and England. Some later move to Louisiana, while others resettle in New Brunswick.
  • 1837 The first commercial use of an electric telegraph is successfully demonstrated by William Cooke and Charles Wheatstone on 25 July 1837 between Euston and Camden Town in London.
  • 1866 The United States Congress passes legislation authorizing the five-star rank of General of the Army. Lieutenant General Ulysses S. Grant becomes the first to be promoted to this rank.
  • 1868 Wyoming becomes a United States territory.
  • 1871 First U.S. patent for a carousel was issued to Willhelm Schneider of Davenport, Iowa.
  • 1920 The first transatlantic two-way radio broadcast takes place.
  • 1976 Viking 1 takes the famous Face on Mars photo.
  • 1984 Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya (sah-VEETS’-kah-yah) became the first woman to walk in space
  • 2010 WikiLeaks publishes classified documents about the War in Afghanistan, one of the largest leaks in U.S. military history.

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GOLDEN OLDIE… A well-worn $1 bill and a similarly distressed $20 bill arrive at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they move along the conveyor belt to be burned, they strike up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisces about its travels all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaims. “Why, I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”

“Wow!” says the one dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”

“So, tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”

“Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church, the Catholic Church …”

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

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St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

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ONE-LINERS: — Chinese Proverbs —
* War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
* A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
* He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
* How did an embarrassed panda get mistaken for a newspaper?
They are both black and white, and re(a)d all over!
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Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, “You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?”

“Yes,” I replied, “That is a good analogy.”

“I don’t know how to make egg rolls,” another mother said anxiously. “Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?”

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pic of the day: It’s a dogs life….

picture of 2 dogs
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

~What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court!

~What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!

~Why did the snake cross the road? To get to the other ssssssside!

~Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.

~What do you call a cow that won’t give milk? A milk dud!

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A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits: “All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”

“Eventually” said the doctor, “she will rise and shine!”

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An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky.

One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. “Can’t you do something?” she demanded angrily.

“I’m sorry ma’am,” the reverend said gently, “I’m in sales, not management.”

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The rain fell, the water rose, and folks in the town scrambled up onto their rooftops to safety. They hollered across the flood to one another, made sure everybody was accounted for, and excitedly identified things that floated by:

“There goes Jack’s tool shed!”

“Isn’t that Betsy’s front porch swing?”

“Golly, the Preacher’s whole garage!”

Then somebody noticed a little straw hat behaving oddly. It floated downstream about 60 feet, then stopped and came back upstream! After 60 feet or so it floated back downstream, then stopped and came upstream again. Nobody could figure it out!

Finally little Billy piped up: “Well, this morning Grandad said he was gonna mow the front lawn, come hell or high water.”

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My youngest son asked me how old I was.

I answered, “39 and holding.”

He thought for a moment and then asked, “And how old would you be if you let go?”

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A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.

“Well, I think I do.” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What is the world’s oldest butter? Many curious items have been preserved in Irish bogs, even complete human bodies. Recently (2009) another unusual item was found by workers for a peat company – a 3,000 year old wooden barrel of butter! The butter is not actually butter any longer, it has been transformed into ‘adipocere,’ a wax-like substance formed from animal fat.

~Can your taste water? Pigs, dogs, and some other animals can taste water, but people cannot. Humans don’t actually taste the water, they taste the chemicals and impurities in the water.

~Where was the first traffic light? The world’s first electric traffic light signal was installed 75 years ago in Cleveland, Ohio, at the intersection of Euclid Avenue and East 105th Street.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The trouble with talking too fast is that you might say something you haven’t thought of yet.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Dedicate some of your life to others.  Your dedication will not be a sacrifice.  It will be an exhilarating experience because it is intense effort applied toward a meaningful end. – Thomas Dooley