Author Archives: Joker

Humor for September 21, 2017

Optimist: someone who isn’t sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play. – Robert Brault

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 21st – THURSDAY

264th day of 2017 with 101 to follow. Moon is new with 2% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Day of Peace
~ Miniature Golf Day
~ National Pecan Cookie Day
~ World Gratitude Day
~ National Papaya Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1756 John Loudon McAdam, Scottish engineer (created macadam road surface (asphalt))
  • 1866 H(erbert) G(eorge) Wells, England, author – “Father of Science Fiction” (War of the Worlds, The Time Machine, The Invisible Man, The Island of Dr. Moreau)
  • 1931 Larry Hagman, Fort Worth, Texas, actor (I Dream of Jeannie, JR in Dallas)
  • 1947 Stephen King, Portland, Maine, author (Carrie, The Shining, Kujo, The Dark Tower series, Mr. Mercedes)
  • 1950 Bill Murray, Evanston, Illinois, comedian & actor (SNL, What About Bob, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, Olive Kitterage. The Jungle Book 2016)
  • 1955 Richard Hieb, Jamestown, North Dakota, former NASA astronaut (veteran of three space shuttle missions; STS-39, STS-49, STS-65)
  • 1961 Nancy Travis, New York City, New York, actress (Greedy, Internal Affairs, Three Men and a Baby, Last Man Standing)
  • 1962 Rob Morrow, New Rochelle, New York, actor (Numb3rs, Texas Rising, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story, Billions)
  • 1967 Faith Hill, Ridgeland, Mississippi, country singer (married to Tim McGraw)
  • 1990 Christian Serratos, Pasadena, California, actress, model and singer (Angela Weber in Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse, The Walking Dead)
  • 1990 Allison Scagliotti, Monterey, California, actress (Drake & Josh, Warehouse 13, Stitchers, The Vampire Diaries)

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A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy? – Albert Einstein
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1780 Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point.
  • 1897 NY Sun runs famous “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus,” editorial.
  • 1937The Hobbit” by J.R.R. Tolkien is published.
  • 1957 Perry Mason” with Raymond Burr premiers on CBS-TV.
  • 1970 Monday Night Football” on ABC premiers (Browns beat Jets 31-21).
  • 2003 Galileo mission is terminated by sending the probe into Jupiter’s atmosphere, where it is crushed by the pressure at the lower altitudes.
  • 2008 Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley, the two last remaining independent investment banks on Wall Street, become bank holding companies as a result of the subprime mortgage crisis.
  • 2011 United States military ends its “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, allowing gay men and women to serve openly for the first time.

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When I was invited to dinner with friends I took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented “These are very good! You must have a really good camera.”

I didn’t say anything but as I was leaving to go home I said, “That was a delicious meal! You must have some really good pots and pans.”

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The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

“My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said, “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”

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ONE-LINERS: ** Top Ten Funny and Self-Evident Truths About the Military **
1) If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
2) Never tell a Sergeant you have nothing to do.
3) If the enemy is in range, so are you.
4) Aim towards the Enemy. [Instruction printed on a rocket launcher]
5) Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
6) Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
7) The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
8) Whoever said, ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
9) Friendly fire isn’t.
10) Tracers work both ways.
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A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic wand and suddenly two tickets for a deluxe cruise on a luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife thirty years younger than me”.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed but a wish is a wish. So, once again, the fairy moved her magic wand and the husband became 92-years-old.

MORAL: Don’t mess with women and fairies!

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pic of the day: Waterlily

PICTURE OF WATER LILY
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The weatherman predicted a winter storm, so I headed for the store to pick up the only supplies I needed: a bag of
salt for the driveway and batteries for my emergency radio and the kids’ toys.

I took his purchases to the checkout line. As I handed my credit card to the clerk I said, “I guess you’ll have to
charge me with a salt and batteries.”

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“Doctor, Doctor! You’ve gotta help me! An alligator bit off my leg!”

“Which one?”

“How should I know? All these gators look alike!”

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“Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday,” little Joshua said to his uncle. “It’s the best present I ever got.”

“That’s great,” said his uncle. “Do you know how to play it?”

“Oh, I don’t play it,” the little fellow replied. “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!”

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A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”

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Coincidence?

YEAR: 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

YEAR: 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How many Medals of Honor have been awarded? In total, 3,461 medals have been awarded to 3,442 different people. Nineteen men received a second award: 14 of these received two separate Medals for two separate actions, and five received both the Navy and the Army Medals of Honor for the same action. Since the beginning of World War II, 852 Medals of Honor have been awarded, 526 posthumously. In total, 615 had their Medals presented posthumously.

~Are snails lazy? Nobody would describe as “vigorous.” Snails sleep a lot. In addition to several months of winter hibernation, they crawl into their shells to get out of the hot sun, which dries them, or heavy rain, which waterlogs them. Desert snails may even doze for three or four years.

~Would you sell a horse for a quarter? A quarter horse gets its name from its speed in running the quarter-mile.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. – Vince Lombardi