Jokes and Trivia for April 17, 2013

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. – Abraham Lincoln

TODAY -APRIL 17th – WEDNESDAY

107th day of 2013 with 258 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Blah, Blah, Blah Day

*National Cheeseball Day

*Pet Owners Independence Day

*Healthy Kids Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1820 Alexander Joy Cartwright, NYC, New York, Inventor of the Modern Game of Baseball (1st person to draw diagram of diamond shaped baseball field; rules of modern baseball based on Knickerbocker Rules developed by Cartwright & committee from Knickerbocker Base Ball Club)
  • 1837 J. P. Morgan, Hartford, Connecticut, financier (arranged merger of Edison General Electric & Thomson-Houston Electric Co. to form General Electric; merged companies to for United States Steel Corporation)
  • 1852 Cap Anson, Marshalltown, Iowa, Baseball Hall of Famer (played record 27 consecutive seasons, regarded one of the first superstars of baseball)
  • 1863 Augustus Edward Hough Love, Weston-super-Mare, English mathematician (famous for his work on the mathematical theory of elasticity)
  • 1885 Karen Blixen (Isak Dinesen), Danish author (Out of Africa, Babette’s Feast)
  • 1918 William Holden, O’Falion, Illinois, actor (Sunset Boulevard, The Bridge on the River Kwai, The Wild Bunch, The Towering Inferno, Network)
  • 1923 Harry Reasoner, Dakota City, Iowa, journalist (for ABC and CBS news, founder of 60 Minutes)
  • 1929 Michael Forest, Harvey, North Dakota, actor (voice of Prince Olympius in Power Rangers, Kubota in Ghost in the Shell, The Outer Limits, Get Smart)
  • 1937 Ferdinand Piëch, Vienna, Austria, Austrian-German automotive engineer and executive  (Chairman of Volkswagen Group)
  • 1963 Joel Murray, Wilmette, Illinois, actor (Grand, Scrooged, Mad Men, Pacific Station, Love & War, Dharma & Greg, Still Standing)
  • 1964 Lela Rochon, Los Angeles, California, actress (Harlem Nights, Boomerang, Waiting to Exhale, The Big Hit)
  • 1964 Maynard James Keenan, Akron, Ohio, singer (Tool and A Perfect Circle)
  • 1972 Jennifer Garner, Houston, Texas, actress (Alias, Pearl Harbor, Daredeveil, Juno)
  • 1974 Victoria Beckham, Harlow, Essex, England, singer (Spice Girls)
  • 1978 Lindsay Hartley, Palm Springs, California, actress  (Days of our Lives)
  • 1980 Nicholas D’Agosto, Omaha, Nebraska, actor (Cold Case, Heroes, Final Destination 5)
  • 1995 Paulie Litt, New Jersey, actor  (Speed Racer)
  • 1996 Dee Dee Davis, Chicago, Illinois, actress  (The Bernie Mac Show)

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Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting. – Karl Wallenda

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1524 Giovanni da Verrazzano reaches New York harbor.
  • 1897 The Aurora, Texas UFO incident
  • 1905 The Supreme Court of the United States decides Lochner v. New York which holds that the “right to free contract” is implicit in the due process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Constitution.
  • 1907 The Ellis Island immigration center processes 11,747 people, more than on any other day.
  • 1946 Syria obtains its Independence from the French occupation.
  • 1949 At midnight 26 Irish counties officially leave the British Commonwealth. A 21-gun salute on O’Connell Bridge, Dublin, ushers in the Republic of Ireland.
  • 1951 The Peak District becomes the United Kingdom’s first National Park.
  • 1961 Bay of Pigs Invasion: A group of CIA financed and trained Cuban exiles lands at the Bay of Pigs in Cuba with the aim of ousting Fidel Castro.
  • 1964 Jerrie Mock becomes the first woman to circumnavigate the world by air.
  • 1970 Apollo program: The ill-fated Apollo 13 spacecraft returns to Earth safely.
  • 1984 Police Constable Yvonne Fletcher is killed by gunfire from the Libyan People’s Bureau in London during a small demonstration outside the embassy. Ten others are wounded. The events lead to an 11-day siege of the building.
  • 1986 The Three Hundred and Thirty Five Years’ War between the Netherlands and the Isles of Scilly ends.
  • 2006 Sami Hammad, a Palestinian suicide bomber, detonates an explosive device in Tel Aviv, killing 11 people and injuring 70.

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THE SENILITY PRAYER

May God grant me:

the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn’t have a father,
Just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother,
Though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin
As a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone,
And soon it had some more.
They followed her to school one day,
All cramming through the door.
It made the children laugh and sing,
The teachers found it droll.
There were too many lamby clones
For Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep,
Since their programs didn’t vary.
So the scientists resolved it all
By simply cloning Mary.
But now they feel quite sheepish,
Those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do
With Mary, Mary, Mary.

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ONE-LINERS: WOMEN’S QUOTES ON MEN:

‘I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.’
Dorothy Parker.

‘Women are cursed, and men are the proof.’
Rosanne Barr.

“Women with pasts interest men… they hope history will repeat itself.”
Mae West.

‘My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.”
Rita Rudner.

“I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.”
Barbara Bush.

“The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.”
Ann Landers.

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”
Groucho Marx.

“Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”
Mickey Rooney.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

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How cold was it? Well let me tell you, it was SO COLD …

… the seat belt law was suspended. Who needs them when you’re frozen to the seat?

… we had to put our skates on to go to the bathroom at night.

… when I went to build a fire, I had to defrost the fireplace first.

… the kids picked up extra money pushing people’s cars to work.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: BASEBALL

~Did You Know…..  The average life span of a major league baseball is 5-7 pitches

~The baseball tradition of spring training came about because in 1885 the Chicago White Stockings went to Hot Springs in Arkansas to prepare for the new season.

~The world’s largest baseball bat is only 120 feet long weighing in at 68,000 pounds.

~Who was the shortest major league baseball player?  It was Edward Carl “Eddie” Gaedel , born in Chicago, Illinois, June 8, 1925.  He was only 3 feet 7 inches (109 cm) tall and weighing 65 pounds (29.5 kg),  his uniform number was 1/8.

~What was the longest baseball game, based on time?  It was between the visiting Milwaukee Brewers and the Chicago White Sox.  It happen it May 09, 1984, the game went 25 innings and lasted 8 hours and 6 minutes (not sure on the seconds!)

~The first World Series was played between Pittsburgh and Boston in 1903 and was a nine-game series

~The National Baseball Hall of Fame & Museum is located in Cooperstown, N.Y. It was created in 1935 to celebrate baseball’s 100th anniversary.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. – H. L. Mencken

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

No mistake or failure is as bad as to stop and not try again. – John Wanamaker