Jokes and Trivia for November 27, 2012

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. – Oscar Wilde

TODAY – NOVEMBER 27th – TUESDAY

332nd day of 2012 with 34 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Bavarian Cream Pie Day

*Pins and Needles Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1701 Anders Celsius, Swedish inventor and astronomer (proposed the Celsius temperature scale which takes his name)
  • 1746 Robert R. Livingston, New York city, New York, U.S. Secretary for Foreign Affairs / U.S. Minister to France (a U.S.  Founding Father, known as “The Chancellor” after the office he held for 25 years in New York / negotiated the Louisiana Purchase from France)
  • 1754 Georg Forster, German scientist (considered one of the founders of modern scientific travel literature)
  • 1903 Lars Onsager, Norway, chemist (Nobel / Onsager reciprocal relations, the exact solution to the two-dimensional Ising model and for revealing the physics behind the De Haas–van Alphen effect)
  • 1907 L. Sprague de Camp, New York City, New York, author (wrote over 100 books: Lest Darkness Fall, The Wheels of If, A Gun for Dinosaur, Aristotle and the Gun, The Glory That Was, Rogue Queen, Land of Unreason, The Goblin Tower, Swords and Sorcery)
  • 1917 Buffalo Bob Smith, Buffalo, New York, television host (Howdy Doody)
  • 1937 Gail Sheehy, Mamaroneck, New York, journalist & author (Speed is of the Essence, Spirit of Survival, The Silent Passage: Menopause, Passages in Caregiving)
  • 1940 Bruce Lee, San Francisco, California, martial arts expert (Jeet Kune Do), actor (Fist of Fury, Way of the Dragon, Enter the Dragon, The Game of Death), director
  • 1942 Jimi Hendrix, Seattle, Washington, rock musician (Considered greatest electric guitarist in popular music)
  • 1945 Barbara Anderson, Brooklyn, New York,  actress (Ironside, Mission: Impossible )
  • 1952 James “Wxb” Wetherbee, Flushing, Queens, New York, NASA astronaut (veteran of six Space Shuttle missions /only American to command five spaceflight missions: STS-32, STS-52, STS-63, STS-86, STS-102, STS-113)
  • 1955 Bill Nye, Washington, D.C.,  engineer and broadcaster (Bill Nye The Science Guy)
  • 1956 William Fichtner, Mitchel Air Force Base, East Meadow, New York,  actor (Armageddon)
  • 1959 Charlie Burchill, Glasgow,  guitarist and keyboardist (Simple Minds)
  • 1960 Michael Rispoli, Long Island, New York, actor (The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 )
  • 1974 Kirk Acevedo, Brooklyn, New York,  actor (The Thin Red Line, Dinner Rush )
  • 1976 Jaleel White, Pasadena, California, actor (Steve Urkel in Family Matters; voice of Sonic the Hedgehog; season 14 of Dancing with the Stars; hosts Total Blackout)
  • 1978 Mike Skinner, Birmingham, England, United Kingdom,  musician (The Streets)

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The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. – Flora Whittemore

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1839 In Boston, Massachusetts, the American Statistical Association is founded.
  • 1901 The U.S. Army War College is established.
  • 1912 Spain declares a protectorate over the north shore of Morocco.
  • 1924 In New York City, the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is held.
  • 1934 Bank robber Baby Face Nelson dies in a shoot-out with the FBI.
  • 1963 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson makes his first address to Congress as president following the assassination of John F. Kennedy five days prior.
  • 1968 Penny Ann Early became the first woman to play major professional basketball, in an ABA game Kentucky Colonels vs. Los Angeles Stars.
  • 1971 The Soviet space program’s Mars 2 orbiter releases a descent module. It malfunctions and crashes, but it is the first man-made object to reach the surface of Mars.
  • 1978 In San Francisco, California, city mayor George Moscone and openly gay city supervisor Harvey Milk are assassinated by former supervisor Dan White.
  • 2004 Pope John Paul II returns the relics of Saint John Chrysostom to the Eastern Orthodox Church.
  • 2005 The first partial human face transplant is completed in Amiens, France.
  • 2006 The Canadian House of Commons endorses Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s motion to declare Quebec a nation within a unified Canada.
  • 2009 A bomb explodes on the Nevsky Express train between Moscow and Saint Petersburg, derailing it and causing 28 deaths and 96 injuries.

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Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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Deep In the back woods, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?

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ONE-LINERS:

~I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it

~Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.

~Few women admit their age; few men act it.

~If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

~No one is listening until you make a mistake.

~Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A guy goes into a fancy lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar, but the bouncer tells him he needs a necktie to get in.

The guy doesn’t have a necktie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jumper cables. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the lounge.  The bouncer looks him up & down and then says, “Well, OK, I guess you can come in – just don’t start anything.”

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

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My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn’t return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. “Couldn’t you tell by your clothes that you’d grown?” I asked him.

“Since I’ve been doing my own laundry,” he replied, “I just figured everything had shrunk.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: BASKETBALL trivia

~In the very beginning the color of the basketball was brown, but later it was changed into a brighter color; that is orange.

~The first basketball game took place in 1982, where the court was half the size of today’s courts, and only one point was scored during the match.

~ Fond watching NBA? The NBA (National Basketball Association) was founded in 1949, after the combination of the NBL (National Basketball League) and the BAA (Basketball Associate of America).

~Michael Jordan is considered one of the best basketball players around the world.

~In 1967, slam dunks were considered illegal; nine years later it was legalized again.

~Women’s basketball began in 1892, and some rules were modified to fit women.

~On 1968 on this very day, Penny Ann Early became the first woman to play major professional basketball, in an ABA game Kentucky Colonels vs. Los Angeles Stars.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman – Joseph Joubert.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. ― Mother Teresa