Jokes and Trivia for February 18, 2013

The secret of happiness is freedom, the secret of freedom is courage. ― Carrie Jones

TODAY – FEBRUARY 18th – MONDAY

49th day of 2012 with 316 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*President’s Day – third Monday of February

*National Battery Day

*Crab-Stuffed Flounder Day

*Drink Wine Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1862 Charles M. Schwab, Williamsburg, Pennsylvania, steel magnate (Bethlehem Steel)
  • 1871 Harry Brearley, Sheffield, England,  inventor (usually credited with the invention of “rustless steel”)
  • 1898 Enzo Ferrari, Italian motor racing driver and entrepreneur (founder of Ferrari)
  • 1924 Humberto Fernández Morán, Venezuelan scientist (renowned for inventing the diamond knife or scalpel)
  • 1925 George Kennedy, New York City, NY, actor (Cool Hand Luke, The Dirty Dozen, Airport, Death on the Nile, Naked Gun, Dallas)
  • 1931 Toni Morrison, Lorain, Ohio, author (Nobel / Beloved, also wrote Song of Solomon, Sula, The Bluest Eye)
  • 1933 Yoko Ono, Japanese-born American singer and performance artist (married to John Lennon)
  • 1935 Janette Oke, Canadian author (series: Love Comes Softly, Seasons of the Heart, Canadian west, Song of Acadia)
  • 1936 Jean Auel, Chicago, Illinois, author (Earth’s Children series, including The Clan of the Cave Bear, The Shelters of Stone, The Land of Painted Caves)
  • 1941 Herman Santiago, San Juan, Puerto Rico, American singer and songwriter (The Teenagers)
  • 1941 Irma Thomas, Ponchatoula, Louisiana, singer (“Soul Queen of New Orleans”)
  • 1950 Cybill Shepherd, Memphis, Tennessee, actress (The Last Picture Show, Taxi Driver, Cybil, The L Word, Moonlighting, Psych, Expecting Mary)
  • 1952 Juice Newton, Lakehurst, New Jersey, singer (5 Grammy Award nominations)
  • 1954 John Travolta, Englewood, New Jersey, actor (Welcome Back Kotter, Grease, Saturday Night Fever, Pulp Fiction, Wild Hogs, Get Shorty)
  • 1957 Vanna White, Conway, South Carolina, game show hostess (Wheel of Fortune)
  • 1964 Matt Dillon, New Rochelle, New York, actor (My Bodyguard, Drugstore Cowboy, There’s Something About Mary, Wild Things, Crash)
  • 1968 Molly Ringwald, Roseville, California, actress (Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, The Secret Life of the American Teenager)
  • 1975 Sarah Brown, Eureka, California, actress (General Hospital  )
  • 1988 Shane Lyons, Colorado Springs, Colorado,  actor and chef (All That )
  • 1988 Maiara Walsh, Seattle, Washington, actress (Desperate Housewives )
  • 1991 Malese Jow, Tulsa, Oklahoma, actress and singer (Unfabulous)
  • 1992 Logan Miller, Englewood, Colorado, actor (I’m in the Band)

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Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. – Dame Edna Everage

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1861 Jefferson Davis is inaugurated in Montgomery, Alabama, as the provisional President of the Confederate States of America.
  • 1930 Elm Farm Ollie becomes the first cow to fly in a fixed-wing aircraft and also the first cow to be milked in an aircraft.
  • 1930 Clyde Tombaugh discovers Pluto while studying photographs from January.
  • 1943 The Nazis arrest the members of the White Rose movement.
  • 1943 Joseph Goebbels delivers his Sportpalast speech.
  • 1954 The first Church of Scientology is established in Los Angeles, California.
  • 1955 Operation Teapot: Teapot test shot “Wasp” is successfully detonated at the Nevada Test Site with a yield of 1.2 kilotons. Wasp is the first of fourteen shots of the Teapot series.
  • 1969 Hawthorne Nevada Airlines Flight 708 crashes into Mount Whitney killing all on board.
  • 1970 The Chicago Seven are found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic National Convention.
  • 1972 The California Supreme Court in the case of People v. Anderson, 6 Cal.3d 628 invalidates the state’s death penalty and commutes the sentences of all death row inmates to life imprisonment.
  • 1977  The Space Shuttle Enterprise test vehicle is carried on its maiden “flight” on top of a Boeing 747.
  • 1991 The IRA explodes bombs in the early morning at Paddington station and Victoria station in London.
  • 2001 FBI agent Robert Hanssen is arrested for spying for the Soviet Union. He is ultimately convicted and sentenced to life imprisonment.
  • 2001 Seven-time NASCAR Sprint Cup Series champion Dale Earnhardt dies in an accident during the Daytona 500.
  • 2001 Inter-ethnic violence between Dayaks and Madurese breaks out in Sampit, Indonesia, that will ultimately result in more than 500 deaths and 100,000 Madurese displaced from their homes.
  • 2003 Nearly 200 people die in the Daegu subway fire in South Korea.
  • 2004 Up to 295 people, including nearly 200 rescue workers, die near Neyshabur in Iran when a runaway freight train carrying sulfur, petrol and fertilizer catches fire and explodes.
  • 2007 Terrorist bombs explode on the Samjhauta Express in Panipat, Haryana, India, killing 68 people.

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One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.

Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, “Oh, whatever is easiest for you.”

With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.

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A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s,” replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s my congressman’s clock?” asked the man.

“It’s in my office. I’m using it as a ceiling fan!”

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ONE-LINERS: My Mother Taught Me

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets home.”

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING…. “You are going to get it when we get home!”

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me.”

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE… “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

7. My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

10.My Mother taught me about SEX…. “How do you think you got here?”

11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS… “You’re just like your father.”

12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a barn?”

13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

14.And my all time favorite… JUSTICE… “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….Then you’ll see what it’s like.”

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pic of the day: Heron by Pond

picture of blue heron

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

ANNOUNCING THESE NEW BOOK RELEASES

~ “Come on In! by Doris Open

~ “The German Bank Robbery” by Hans Zupp

~ “I Hate the Sun” by Gladys Knight

~ “Prison Security” by Barb Dweyer

~ “Irish First Aid” by R.U. O’Kaye

~ “My Career As a Clown” by Abe Ozo

~ “Here’s Pus in Your Eye” by Lance Boyle

~ “I Didn’t Do It!” by Ivan Alibi

~ “Why I Eat at McDonalds” by Tommy Ayk

~ “I Hit the Wall” by Isadore There

~ “The Bruce Lee Story” by Marsha Larts

~ “Take This Job and Shove It” by Ike Witt

~ “Rapunzel Rapunzel” by Harris Long

~ “Split Personalities” by Jacqueline Hyde

~ “How I Won the Marathon” by Randy Hoelway

~ “Songs from “South Pacific”” by Sam and Janet Evening

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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”

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Because I couldn’t unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it.

However, it didn’t work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn’t working.

“Did you get the green one, too?” he asked.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: All about — BATTERIES
~To celebrate this day, you should know the history —- While Benjamin Franklin came out with the name “battery”, the “modern version” was created by Alessandro Volta, an Italian physicist, in 1800. Also like modern anatomy, he used a frog dissection as an experiment.

~What would the world be without batteries?  These days, there would be lots of unudable gadgets and toys!

~The downside: Items like batteries that contain metal elements can pollute the land and ground water.

~One way to help this problem: use rechargeable batteries. Most of them can be recharged hundreds of times before giving way.

~Something a little different…. Use lemons as a source of power. Because of the high acidity in the fruit, it can also be used as an electric source. You can make a lemon powered clock or a battery from a lemon.  The only trouble is you have to replace the lemons more often than regular batteries!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Sometimes you gotta create what you want to be a part of. Geri Weitzman

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. – Friedrich Nietzsche