Jokes and Trivia for November 16, 2012

Forget about the fast lane. If you really want to fly, just harness your power to your passion. – Oprah.

TODAY – NOVEMBER 16th – FRIDAY

321st day of 2012 with 45 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* Button Day

* Have a Party With Your Bear Day

* National Fast Food Day

* International Day for Tolerance

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1841 Jules Violle, Langres, French physicist (solar constant luminous intensity, Fulcanelli)
  • 1881 Joel H. Hildebrand, Camden, New Jersey, educator and chemist (The Hildebrand solubility parameter )
  • 1907 Burgess Meredith, Cleveland Ohio, actor (Mr Novak, Penguin in Batman, Rocky)
  • 1915 Jean Fritz, Chinese-born American author (The Cabin Faced West, The Double Life of Pocahontas, Homesick – My Own Story)
  • 1916 Daws Butler, Toledo Ohio, cartoon voice (Elroy Jetson, Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Finn)
  • 1922 Gene Amdahl, Flandreau, South Dakota, computer scientist (Amdahl’s law, a fundamental theory of parallel computing)
  • 1950 Carl J Meade, Illinois, Major USAF/astronaut (STS 38, sk:STS-50, 64), Lockheed
  • 1950 David Leisure, San Diego, California, actor (Empty Nest)
  • 1952 Robin McKinley, Warren, Ohio, author (The Hero and the Crown, The Blue Sword)
  • 1954 Andrea Barrett, Boston, Massachusetts,  author (The Air We Breathe)
  • 1954 Bruce Edwards, golf caddy (for Tom Watson, died of Lou Gehrig’s disease in 2004)
  • 1956 Terry Labonte, Corpus Christi TX, NASCAR driver (named one of NASCAR’s 50 greatest drivers)
  • 1958 Marg Helgenberger, North Bend, Nebraska, actress (Catherine Willows on CSI, China Beach, Ryan’s Hope)
  • 1967 Lisa Bonet, San Francisco, California, actress (The Cosby Show, A Different World, Angel Heart)
  • 1970 Martha Plimpton, New York City, New York, actress (ER, Goonies, Mosquito Coast, Raising Hope)
  • 1981 Allison Crowe, Canadian singer, songwriter, pianist
  • 1981 Caitlin Glass, Washington, D.C,  voice actress (Spiral: The Bonds of Reasoning Dragon Ball Z)
  • 1984 Kimberly J. Brown, Lexington, Kentucky, actress (The Guiding Light, Halloweentown)
  • 1995 Noah Gray-Cabey, Chicago, Illinois, actor (My Wife and Kids, Heroes )

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You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself – Ethel Barrymore.

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1776 Hessian mercenaries capture Fort Washington from the Patriots during the American Revolutionary War.
  • 1821 Missouri trader William Becknell arrives in Santa Fe, New Mexico over a route that became known as the Santa Fe Trail.
  • 1907 Indian Territory and Oklahoma Territory become Oklahoma and are admitted as the 46th U.S. state.
  • 1945 The United States Army admits 88 German scientists and engineers helped in the development of rocket technology in what was known as Operation Paperclip.
  • 1945 UNESCO is founded.
  • 1959 “Sound of Music” opens on Broadway, starring Mary Martin and Theodore Bikel.
  • 1965 Soviet Union launches the Venera 3 space probe toward Venus, the first spacecraft to reach the surface of another planet.
  • 1973 NASA launches Skylab 4 with a crew of three astronauts from Cape Canaveral, Florida for an 84-day mission.
  • 1973 U.S. President Richard Nixon signs the Trans-Alaska Pipeline Authorization Act into law, authorizing the construction of the Alaska Pipeline.
  • 1977 Close Encounters of the Third Kind opened in theaters.
  • 1988 The Supreme Soviet of the Estonian SSR declares that Estonia is “sovereign” but stops short of declaring independence.
  • 1988 In the first open election in more than a decade, voters in Pakistan elect populist candidate Benazir Bhutto to be Prime Minister of Pakistan.
  • 1989 UNESCO adopts the Seville Statement on Violence at the twenty-fifth session of its General Conference.
  • 1997 After nearly 18 years of incarceration, the People’s Republic of China releases Wei Jingsheng, a pro-democracy dissident, from jail for medical reasons.
  • 2000 Bill Clinton becomes the first U.S. President to visit Vietnam since the end of the Vietnam War.

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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

“Sid,” asked Al, “Are there any Jews in China?”

“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”

“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Chinese Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Al asked.

“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”

“Are you really sure?” Al asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”

“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!”

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage ! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building”

The Mexican opens his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again ! If I get burritos one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The blonde opened his luch and said, “Bolonga again. If I get bolonga sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife….

“Hey, don’t look at me” she said “he made his own lunch.”

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ONE-LINERS: What Engineers say versus what they mean…

 1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination.
(We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial.
(Let’s spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

13. Give us your interpretation.
(We can’t wait to hear your baloney.)

14. See me or let’s discuss.
(Come to my office, I’ve screwed up again.)

15. All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged.
(Don’t plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust!
(Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight.
(Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development.
(One finally worked)

20. Energy saving.
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data.
(I’m too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard!
(That’s the way we have always done it!)

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pic of the day: Guinea fowl and one Rooster

picture of guineas

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

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A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a
house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard ands sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work; mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.” The guy says.

“This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

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Patricia began her job in a secondary school as a counsellor and she was keen to help the pupils.

One day during break-time she noticed a girl standing all by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were enjoying a game of football [soccer] at the other end of the field.

Patricia approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said that she was.

Some time later, however, Patricia noticed that the girl was in exactly the same spot, still by herself. Going up to her again, ‘Trish enquired, ‘Would you like me to be your friend?’
The girl hesitated, then said, ‘Alright,’ while looking at Patricia with some suspicion.’

Feeling she was making progress, Pat then asked, ‘Why are you standing here all alone?’

‘Because,’ the girl said with a large sigh, ‘I’m the goalie!’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: BEARS

~Bears kill 6 people worldwide every year. 

~Bears can run at a speed of 40 mph.

~A male polar bear can weigh over 1,500 pounds, though most weigh below 1,000 pounds. A female polar bear weighs about 500 pounds.

~Polar bears are left handed.

~Koala bears are not bears at all and are not related to the bear family. They are marsupials.

~Unlike many mammals, bears can see in color.

~The symbol of the United Russia Party is a bear. In fact, bears have traditionally not only been a symbol of pride and power in Russia, but have also been common images in fairy tales and myth.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: You use a glass mirror to see your face: you use works of art to see your soul – George Bernard Shaw.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. – Harriet Beecher Stowe