Jokes and trivia for May 22, 2013

“The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.” – Andy Rooney

TODAY – MAY 22nd – WEDNESDAY

142nd day of 2013 with 223 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Buy a Musical Instrument Day

*National Vanilla Pudding Day

*National Maritime Day

*International Day for Biological Diversity

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1783 William Sturgeon, Whittington, Lancashire physicist and inventor (invented the first practical English electric motor)
  • 1813 Richard Wagner, German composer (The Flying Dutchman, Ride of the Valkyries, Wedding March from opera Lohengnn)
  • 1844 Mary Cassatt, Allegheny City, Pennsylvania, artist (specialized in images showing mothers and children)
  • 1859 Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Scottish physician and writer (Sherlock Holmes stories: The Hounds of the Baskervilles, The Speckled Band, The Sign of the Four)
  • 1903 Yves Rocard, Vannes, physicist (helped develop the atomic bomb for France)
  • 1907 Sir Laurence Olivier, English stage and screen actor (Spartacus, Sleuth, Marathon Man, Khartoum, Clash of the Titans, narrated The World at War)
  • 1912 Herbert C. Brown, London, England, chemist (Nobel / Organoboranes)
  • 1927 George Andrew Olah, Budapest, Hungary, chemist (research on generation and reactivity of carbocations via superacids)
  • 1936 M. Scott Peck, NYC, New York, psychiatrist and writer (The Road Less Traveled)
  • 1938 Richard Benjamin, New York City, New York, actor (Goodbye, Columbus, Catch-22, Portnoy’s Complaint, Westworld, Quark, Love at First Bite)
  • 1939 Paul Winfield, Los Angeles, California, actor (Sounder, King, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)
  • 1938 Frank Converse, St. Louis, Missouri, actor (Coronet Blue, N.Y.P.D.; Movin’ On, Anne of Green Gables)
  • 1942 Barbara Parkins, Canadian actress (Peyton Place, Valley of the Dolls, The Testimony of Two Men, To Catch a King)
  • 1947 Andreas Gerasimos Michalitsianos, Greek-American astronomer and a NASA astrophysicist (involved with Hubble Space Telescope, International Ultraviolet Explorer, symbiotic stars)
  • 1958 Denise Welch, English actress and presenter (Coronation Street, Waterloo Road, Celebrity Big Brother, Dancing on Ice 2011)
  • 1964 Mark Christopher Lawrence, Los Angeles, California, actor & standup comedian (Terminator 2 Judgment Day, Planet of the Apes, Lost Treasure, The Pursuit of Happyness, Chuck)
  • 1967 Brooke Smith, New York, New York, actress (The Silence of the Lambs, Grey’s Anatomy )
  • 1970 Naomi Campbell, British super model and actress (New York Undercover, Unzipped)
  • 1972 Anna Belknap, Damariscotta, Maine, actress (CSI: NY, The Handler, Medical Investigation, Alchemy)
  • 1974 Sean Gunn, St. Louis, Missouri, actor (Gilmore Girls )
  • 1978 Ginnifer Goodwin, Memphis, Tennessee, actress (Mona Lisa Smile , Something Borrowed and He’s Just Not That into You)
  • 1982 Apolo Anton Ohno, Seattle, Washington, short track speed skater (2 gold, 2 silver, 4 bronze medals; Dancing with the Stars 4th season champion w/Julianne Hough)

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 “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1816 A mob in Littleport, Cambridgeshire, England, riots over high unemployment and rising grain costs; the rioting spreads to Ely the next day.
  • 1826 HMS Beagle departs on its first voyage.
  • 1840 The transporting of British convicts to the New South Wales colony is abolished.
  • 1843 Thousands of people and their cattle head west via wagon train from Independence, Missouri to what would later become the Oregon Territory. It is part of the Great Migration. They follow what is now known as the Oregon Trail.
  • 1906 The Wright brothers are granted U.S. patent number 821,393 for their Flying-Machine.
  • 1915 Lassen Peak erupts with a powerful force, and is the only mountain other than Mount St. Helens to erupt in the continental US during the 20th century.
  • 1915 Three trains collide in the Quintinshill rail crash near Gretna Green, Scotland, killing 227 people and injuring 246; the accident is found to be the result of non-standard operating practices during a shift change at a busy junction.
  • 1926 Chiang Kai-shek replaces communists in Kuomintang China
  • 1936  Aer Lingus (Aer Loingeas) is founded by the Irish government as the national airline of the Republic of Ireland.
  • 1960 An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the moment magnitude scale, now known as the Great Chilean Earthquake, hits southern Chile. It is the most powerful earthquake ever recorded.
  • 1962 Continental Airlines Flight 11 crashes after bombs explode on board.
  • 1963 Assassination attempt of Greek left-wing politician Gregoris Lambrakis, who will die five days afterwards.
  • 1964 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson announces the goals of his Great Society social reforms to bring an “end to poverty and racial injustice” in America.
  • 1967 The L’Innovation department store in the centre of Brussels, Belgium, burns down. It is the most devastating fire in Belgian history, resulting in 323 dead and missing and 150 injured.
  • 1990 Microsoft releases the Windows 3.0 operating system.
  • 2002 In Washington, D.C., the remains of the missing Chandra Levy are found in Rock Creek Park.
  • 2002 American civil rights movement: a jury in Birmingham, Alabama, convicts former Ku Klux Klan member Bobby Frank Cherry of the 1963 murders of four girls in the bombing of the 16th Street Baptist Church.
  • 2003 In Fort Worth, Texas, Annika Sörenstam becomes the first woman to play the PGA Tour in 58 years.
  • 2004 The U.S. town of Hallam, Nebraska, is wiped out by a powerful F4 tornado (part of the May 2004 tornado outbreak sequence) that broke a width record at an astounding 2.5 miles (4.0 km) wide, which kills one resident.

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A woman called to make reservations “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.”

The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.

“You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal” was the reply.

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ODD THOUGHTS. . .

~Is cheese the plural of choose?

~If it is he, his and him – Shouldn’t it be she, shis and shim?

~If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

~If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

~In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? – Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? – Have noses that run and feet that smell? – Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

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From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”

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ONE-LINERS: Problems and Solutions
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

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pic of the day: Bourbon Red Turkey Pair

pair of bourbon red turkeys

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 
~ Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.  
~ I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
~ It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
~ I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
~ I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
~ I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
~ There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
~ Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

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An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me”.

“Why not”, he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead”.

The husband says to her, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another”.

The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife answers, “I know I’m dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

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Classified Ad:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

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We took our children to a seafare-themed restaurant. Our youngest went to the bathroom but soon returned, confused and embarrassed.
“Couldn’t you find the way?” I asked him.
“Oh,” I found it, he replied, legs crossed. “But I don’t know if I’m a buccaneer or a wench!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What is biodiversity?

1. The number and variety of organisms found within a specified geographic region.
2. The variability among living organisms on the earth, including the variability within and between species and within and between ecosystems.  (freedictionary.com)

~ A biodiversity hotspot is a biogeographic region with a significant reservoir of biodiversity that is under threat from humans.

~ To qualify as a biodiversity hotspot a region must meet two strict criteria: it must contain at least 0.5% or 1,500 species of vascular plants as endemics, and it has to have lost at least 70% of its primary vegetation.

~ Around the world, 25 areas qualify under this definition, with nine other possible candidates. These sites support nearly 60% of the world’s plant, bird, mammal, reptile, and amphibian species, with a very high share of endemic species.

World Wildlife Fund has derived a system called the “Global 200 Ecoregions”, which aims to select priority Ecoregions for conservation within each of 14 terrestrial, 3 freshwater, and 4 marine habitat types. They are chosen for their species richness, endemism, taxonomic uniqueness, unusual ecological or evolutionary phenomena, and global rarity. All biodiversity hotspots contain at least one Global 200 Ecoregion.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. – Abraham Lincoln

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