Jokes and Trivia for April 8, 2013

Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

TODAY – APRIL 8th – MONDAY

98th day of 2013 with 267 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Empanada Day

*All is Ours Day

*Draw a  Bird Day

*Holocaust Remembrance Day (Yom HaShoah) 2013

*National Poetry Month

*Garden Week

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1732 David Rittenhouse, Paper Mill Run, Pennsylvania,  astronomer, inventor, and mathematician (member of the American Philosophical Society and the first director of the United States Mint)
  • 1818 August Wilhelm von Hofmann, German chemist (Hofmann rearrangement, Hofmann elimination, Hofmann-Löffler reaction)
  • 1869 Harvey Williams Cushing, Cleveland, Ohio, neurosurgeon (pioneer in brain surgery / “father of modern neurosurgery”, 1st described Cushing’s Syndrome)
  • 1911 Melvin Calvin, St. Paul, Minnesota, chemist (Nobel / Calvin cycle)
  • 1918 Betty Ford, Chicago, Illionois, American First Lady (1974-1977), founder of the Betty Ford Center
  • 1918 Glendon Swarthout, Pinckney, Michigan, author (The Eagle and the Iron Cross, The Tin Lizzie, The Homesman, They Came to Cordura, Bless Beasts & Children, The Shootist)
  • 1947 Larry Norman, Corpus Christi, Texas, singer, songwriter, and producer (People!)
  • 1955 Barbara Kingsolver, Annapolis, Maryland, author (The Poisonwood Bible, The Lacuna, Pigs in Heaven, Animal Vegetable Miracle)
  • 1960 John Schneider, Mount Kisco, New York, actor / singer (The Dukes of Hazzard, Smallville)
  • 1962 Izzy Stradlin, Lafayette, Indiana, musician (Guns N’ Roses and Hollywood Rose)
  • 1966 Robin Wright, Dallas, Texas actress (Santa Barbara, The Princess Bride, Forrest Gump, Toys, Moneyball, House of Cards)
  • 1968 Patricia Arquette, Chicago, Illinois, actress (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3, True Romance, Lost Highway, Stigmata, Holes, Medium)
  • 1977 Mark Spencer, American computer programmer (attended Auburn University, author of instant messaging client Gaim/ Pidgin; Chairman of Digium)
  • 1980 Justin Smith, Orlando, Florida, actor (As the World Turns, Meet The Spartans, Army Wives)
  • 1980 Katee Sackhoff, Portland, Oregon, actress (“Starbuck” on new Battlestar Galactica, 24, Longmire, White Noise: The Light, Riddick, Oculus)
  • 1981 Taylor Kitsch, Canadian actor and model (Friday Night Lights, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, John Carter, Battleship, Savages)
  • 1992 Shelby Young, Florida, actress (The Social Network, Wild Child )
  • 2002 Skai Jackson, New York City, New York, actress (Jessie )

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It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis. – Margaret Bonnano

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1730 Shearith Israel, the first synagogue in New York City, is dedicated.
  • 1808 With the founding of the dioceses of New York, Philadelphia, Boston, and Bardstown (now Louisville) by Pope Pius VII, the Roman Catholic Diocese of Baltimore is promoted to an archdiocese.
  • 1820 The Venus de Milo is discovered on the Aegean island of Melos.
  • 1832 Around three-hundred United States 6th Infantry troops leave St. Louis, Missouri to fight the Sauk Native Americans during the Black Hawk War.
  • 1864 American Civil War: Battle of Mansfield – Union forces are thwarted by the Confederate army at Mansfield, Louisiana.
  • 1893 The first recorded college basketball game occurs at Geneva College in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania.
  • 1904 Longacre Square in Midtown Manhattan is renamed Times Square after The New York Times.
  • 1906 Auguste Deter, the first person to be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, dies.
  • 1908 Harvard University votes to establish the Harvard Business School.
  • 1911 Superconductivity is discovered by Dutch physicist Heike Kamerlingh Onnes.
  • 1916 In Corona, California, race car driver Bob Burman crashes, killing three, and badly injuring five, spectators.
  • 1935 When the Emergency Relief Appropriation Act of 1935 becomes law the WPA (Works Progress Administration) is formed.
  • 1943 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in an attempt to check inflation, freezes wages and prices, prohibits workers from changing jobs unless the war effort would be aided thereby, and bars rate increases by common carriers and public utilities.
  • 1952 To prevent a nationwide strike President Harry Truman calls for the seizure of all domestic steel mills.
  • 1959 Creation of COBOL, a new programming language, was discussed by a team of computer manufacturers, users, and university people.
  • 1959 The Organization of American States drafts an agreement to create the Inter-American Development Bank.
  • 1974 Hank Aaron hits his 715th career home run at Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium, surpassing Babe Ruth’s 39-year-old record.
  • 2005 Over four million people attend the funeral of Pope John Paul II.

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A man lay sprawled across three seats in the posh theater.  The usher whispered, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher went away and came back with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation and asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied, “The balcony.”

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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he described the abilities of the Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

As the tour rounded a bend they discovered an Aborigine lying in the middle of the road with one ear pressed to the white line and his left leg held high in the air. The guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

“Jacky,” said the tour guide,” what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”

The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It’s a red one. The left front tire is bald. The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and two dogs on the front seat.”

The tourists were astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. “Good grief man, how do you know all that?” asked one.

“I fell out of the blink’n thing about half an hour ago!”

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ONE-LINERS: How will the media report the end of the world?

USA Today: WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

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For Draw a Bird Day – How about a Tufted Titmouse?

tufted-titmouse

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Oxymorons

– Extinct Life
– Plastic glasses
– Terribly pleased
– Computer security
– Political science
– Tight slacks
– Definite maybe
– Pretty ugly
– Rap music
– Working vacation
– Religious tolerance
– Microsoft Works

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I said to my wife, “I feel old and fat, bald, useless and stupid.”

She said, “Don’t be silly. You’re not old.”

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Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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TODAY IN TRIVIA:  What you have to know about BIRDS

~There are 9,865 species of birds alive today, according to the IUCN.

~The earliest known bird, Archaeopteryx lithographica, lived about 150 million years ago during the Jurassic Period. The first Archaeopteryx skeleton, now known as the “London Specimen”, was discovered in 1861.

~Feathers are unique to birds.

~All birds reproduce by laying eggs.

~Birds do not have teeth.

~The largest of all birds is the ostrich. Adult ostriches weigh between 220 and 350 pounds and measure between 7 and 9 1/4 feet in height.

~The chicken is the most common species of bird found in the world.

~The Bee Hummingbird is the smallest living bird in the world, with a length of just 5 cm (2 in).

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W. C. Fields

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Marie Curie