Jokes and Trivia for June 10, 2013

“A man too busy to take care of his health is like a mechanic too busy to take care of his tools.”  – Spanish Proverb

TODAY – JUNE 10th – MONDAY

161st day of 2013 with 204 follow. 

Holidays for Today:

* National Black Cow Day

* National Iced Tea Day

* Mourn for Your Money Day (commemorates the signing of the withholding tax bill into law on June 10th, 1943)

* Herbs & Spice Day

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  •  1706 John Dollond, English optician, discovered of achromatic doublets (owner of 1st patent for achromatic lens)
  •  1710 James Short, Scottish mathematician/ optician/ astronomer (parabolic & elliptic mirrors for reflecting telescopes)
  • 1735 John Morgan, immigrant from Wales, pioneer of U.S. medical education (founder of United State’s first medical school, the University of Philadelphia), surgeon general of Continental armies during War of Independence
  •  1892 Hattie McDaniel, Wichita KS, actress (1st black to win Oscar /Gone With The Wind)
  •  1911 Ralph Kirkpatrick, Leominster Mass., harpsichordist and musicologist (chronological catalog of Domenico Scarlatti’s keyboard sonatas)
  •  1915 Saul Bellow, Canadian-born American novelist (Nobel/ Humboldt’s Gift)
  •  1921 Philip Mountbatten, Greece, Duke of Edinburgh/Prince, consort of Queen Elizabeth II
  •  1922 Judy Garland [Frances Gumm], Grand Rapids MN, actress/singer (Wizard of Oz, A Star is Born)
  •  1928 Maurice Sendak, NYC, author/illustrator (Where The Wild Things Are).
  •  1929 James McDivitt, Chicago IL, astronaut (Gemini 4, Apollo 9)
  •  1963 Jeanne Tripplehorn, Tulsa OK, actress (Basic Instinct, Waterworld, The Firm)
  •  1964 Kate Flannery, Philadelphia PA, actress (Meredith Palmer/The Office)
  •  1978 Shane West, Baton Rouge LA, actor (Once And Again, A Walk to Remember, ER)
  • 1982 Tara Lipinski, Philadelphia Pa, figure skater (1997 World Champ

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. – Thomas Jefferson

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1898 Spanish-American War: US Marines land on the island of Cuba.
  • 1902 Patent for window envelope granted to H.F. Callahan.
  • 1905 1st forest fire lookout tower placed in operation, Greenville, Maine.
  • 1935 Dr Robert Smith & William Wilson of Akron form Alcoholics Anonymous.
  • 1943 Ball point pen patented by Laslo Biro, who invented the pen with quick-drying ink.
  • 1952 Mylar, an extraordinarily strong polyester film, registered as a DuPont tradmark. This film used for magnetic audio and video tape, food wrap, balloons, instrument manufacturers of high-quality drumheads and more.
  • 1967 Israel, Syria, Jordan, Iraq & Egypt end “6-Day War” with UN help.
  • 1977 Apple Computer ships its first Apple II personal computer.
  • 1985 Coca Cola announces they’d bring back their 99-year-old formula.
  • 2003 Spirit Rover is launched, beginning NASA’s Mars Exploration Rover mission.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.

A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

“Hold Johnny [our six-week-old son] while I get my sandwich,” she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.

With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, “Now you know why they call that mustard ‘Poupon.'”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Statistician’s Answering Machine . . .
Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I’m probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn’t end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I’m still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I’ll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: Thing to Think About

– “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

– If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?

– Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

– Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

– If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

– If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”

– Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

– If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

– Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.

– If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

 ~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Rose

pink rose

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine. 
~ Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
~ When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.
~ The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.  
~ Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
~ I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. 
~ The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
~ What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
~ Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.
~ My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed.

“Renounce Satan!” yelled Father Sullivan.

“No,” said the dying man.

“I say, renounce the devil and his works!”

“No,” the man repeats.

“And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?” asks Father Sullivan.

“Because,” said the dying man, “I want to wait until I see where I’m heading before I start annoying anybody.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years — chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.

Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR — “head-to-floor distance reduction.” After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.

The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: “And in conclusion . . .”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The Right Person for the Right Job . . . Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

– If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering.
– If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance.
– If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting.
– If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them.
– If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche.
– If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the help desk.
– If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing.
– If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well.
– If they are sleeping, they are management material.
– If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team.
– If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security.
– If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: Black Cow Day!

~A Black Cow is another name for a Root Beer Float, a drink made with root beer and vanilla ice cream.

~In some parts of the country, black cows are called “brown cows” when chocolate ice cream is added. Purple cows substitute grape soda pop for the root beer.

~In Mexico, El Salvador, Guatemala, Costa Rica and Colombia it’s called Vaca Negra (Black Cow).

~The alleged origin of the name “black cow” dates to August 1893 in Cripple Creek, Colorado. Frank J. Wisner, owner of the Cripple Creek Cow Mountain Gold Mining Company, had been producing a line of soda waters for the citizens of the then-booming Cripple Creek gold mining district. He had been trying to create a special drink for the children of Cripple Creek and came up with an idea while staring out at his properties on Cow Mountain on a moonlit night. 

The full moon’s glow on the snow capped Cow Mountain reminded him of a dollop of vanilla ice cream floating on top of his blackened Cow Mountain. As he told the story later, he was inspired by this view to hurry back to his bar and add a big scoop of vanilla ice cream to the one soda water he produced that the children of Cripple Creek seemed to like best — Myers Avenue Red root beer — and served it the very next day. The drink was an instant hit. Originally named “Black Cow Mountain”, the local children shortened this to “black cow”.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: Life is like a Lamborghini – It goes too fast, and it costs too much.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Enjoy present pleasures in such a way as not to injure future ones. – Seneca

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *