Jokes and Trivia for January 31, 2013

Nothing happens unless first we dream.Carl Sandburg

TODAY – JANUARY 31st – THURSDAY

31st day of 2013 with 334 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Brandy Alexander Day

*Backward Day

*Inspire Your Heart with Art Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1797 Franz Schubert, Austrian composer (Unfinished Symphony)
  • 1868 Theodore William Richards, Germantown, Pennsylvania, chemist (Nobel / Atomic weights, Thermochemistry, Electrochemistry)
  • 1872 Zane Grey, Zanesville, Ohio, American West novelist (Riders of the Purple Sage, Spirit of the Border)
  • 1881 Irving Langmuir, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,  chemist, Nobel for work on surface chemistry (gas-filled incandescent lamp, hydrogen welding technique)
  • 1902 Tallulah Bankhead, Huntsville, Alabama, actress, talk-show host (Made Me a Star, Lifeboat, A Royal Scandal)
  • 1915 Garry Moore, Baltimore, Maryland, comedian and host (The Garry Moore Show, I’ve Got a Secret, To Tell the Truth )
  • 1919 Jackie Robinson, Cairo, Georgia, baseball player, first black player in Major League Baseball (Brooklyn Dodgers)
  • 1921 Carol Channing, Seattle, Washington, actress (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Hello Dolly)
  • 1923 Norman Mailer, Long Branch, New Jersey, writer and journalist (The Naked & The Dead, The Deer Park, The Executioner’s Song)
  • 1929 Rudolf Mössbauer, German physicist, known for Mössbauer effect, Mössbauer spectroscopy
  • 1931 Ernie “Mr Cub” Banks, Dallas, Texas, Chicago Cubs, Hall-of-Famer (1st baseman / shortstop)
  • 1937 Suzanne Pleshette, New York City, New York, actress (The Birds, Emily-Bob Newhart Show, The Shaggy D.A., The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride)
  • 1941 Jessica Walter, Brooklyn, New York. actress (Just Shoot Me, Play Misty for Me, Arrested Development,  Amy Prentiss)
  • 1947 Nolan Ryan,  Refugio, Texas, pitcher (Mets, Angels, Astros) (7 no-hitters, 5,714 KS)
  • 1977 Kate Shindle, Toledo, Ohio, actress  (Legally Blonde )
  • 1977 Kerry Washington, The Bronx, New York, actress (Ray , The Last King of Scotland, Fantastic Four )
  • 1981 Justin Timberlake, Memphis, Tennessee, singer (“Cry Me a River”,  “My Love”, “What Goes Around…/…Comes Around”)

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Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1865 The United States Congress passes the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, abolishing slavery, submitting it to the states for ratification.
  • 1865 American Civil War: Confederate General Robert E. Lee becomes general-in-chief.
  • 1876 The United States orders all Native Americans to move into reservations.
  • 1930 3M begins marketing Scotch Tape.
  • 1945 US Army private Eddie Slovik is executed for desertion, the first such execution of an American soldier since the Civil War.
  • 1950 President Harry S. Truman announces a program to develop the hydrogen bomb.
  • 1957 Eight people on the ground in Pacoima, California are killed following the mid-air collision between a Douglas DC-7 airliner and a Northrop F-89 Scorpion fighter jet.
  • 1958 Explorer program: Explorer 1 – The first successful launch of an American satellite into orbit.
  • 1958 James Van Allen discovers the Van Allen radiation belt.
  • 1961 Mercury-Redstone 2 – Ham the Chimp travels into outer space as part of Project Mercury.
  • 1971 Apollo 14 Mission – Astronauts Alan Shepard, Stuart Roosa, and Edgar Mitchell, aboard a Saturn V, lift off for a mission to the Fra Mauro Highlands on the Moon.
  • 1995 President Bill Clinton authorizes a $20 billion loan to Mexico to stabilize its economy.
  • 2000 Alaska Airlines flight 261 MD-83, experiencing horizontal stabilizer problems, crashes in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Point Mugu, California, killing all 88 persons aboard.

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You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.   Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round – you’re drunk!

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A blonde is speaking to her friend. “I’m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.”

“Don’t you have a cell phone in your car?”

“That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.”

“Uh, How’s that working?”

“Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet.”

“And why do you think that is?”

“I figure it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.”

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ONE-LINERS: Profound Sayings By, For and About Women

– Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

– One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make me gain 5 pounds.

– The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

– The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

– The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

– I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

– Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

– Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now, I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

– A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She has fourteen kids, but she doesn’t really care.

– The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing … and then they marry him.

– I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?!? That’s my idea of a perfect day!

– I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

– If men run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

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pic of the day: Guinea Fowl

guinea-fowl

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The church custodian quit, and the pastor asked the organist if she would consider taking on the cleaning of the church sanctuary.

The organist accepted and noted, “Now I’ll have to mind my keys and pews.”

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“Your wife certainly brightens a room. Her mere presence is electrifying.”

“It ought to be. Everything she’s wearing is charged.”

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We were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 MPH crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, “What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?”

The tollbooth attendant didn’t miss a beat. She answered, “We take the rocks out of our pockets.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Facts about Brandy Alexander Recipe – Referring not to a person but a Brandy based drink

~The word ‘Brandy’ is a shortened version of Brandywine and derives from the Dutch word ‘brandewijn’ – ‘brant’ meaning distilled and ‘wijn’ meaning wine.

It is an alcoholic liquor which was originally distilled from wine or fermented fruit juice, such as apples.

~The calorie count in brandy is as follows: Calorie in  Brandy: 1oz Brandy = 64 Calories in 80 Proof.

~How to create the best special effects with the classic Brandy Alexander Drink Recipe?

  • Serve your classic Brandy Alexander speciality recipe in unusually shaped drinking glasses.
  • Add colorful decorations and drinking glasses – drink umbrellas, swizzle sticks, paper flowers, drink coasters, straws and even sparklers!
  • Add some straws – just cut them up for small drinking glasses and place on a drink coaster!
  • Add crushed ice – To make crushed ice just place your ice cubes in a plastic bag and crush the ice with a heavy object

~ After all the hints, surely you’ll enjoy BRANDY ALEXANDER 

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three – Laurence J. Peter.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined. – Henry David Thoreau