Jokes and Trivia for January 22, 2013

There is no magic herb that can replace the need for actual physical activity. – Diane McLaren

TODAY – JANUARY 22nd – TUESDAY

22nd day of 2013 with 343 to  follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Blonde Brownie Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1561 Sir Francis Bacon, English philosopher (creator of empiricism, Baconian method: inductive methodologies for scientific research)
  • 1592 Pierre Gassendi, Champtercier, Provence, French philosopher, mathematician, and scientist (lunar crater Gassendi is named after him)
  • 1796 Karl Claus, Livonia,  Russian chemist (discoverer of ruthenium, also one of the first scientists to apply quantitative methods in botany)
  • 1831 Jack Slade, Carlyle, Illinois, frontier stagecoach & Pony Express superintendent, gunslinger (helped open the American West)
  • 1908 Lev Davidovich Landau, Soviet physicist (Nobel / made fundamental contributions to many areas of theoretical physics)
  • 1931 Sam Cooke, Clarksdale, Mississippi,  singer (The Soul Stirrers)
  • 1932 Piper Laurie, Detroit, Michigan,  actress (Twin Peaks )
  • 1934 Bill Bixby, San Francisco, California, actor (The Courtship of Eddie’s Father, The Magician, The Incredible Hulk)
  • 1934 Graham Kerr, British-born chef (The Galloping Gourmet)
  • 1936 Alan J. Heeger, Sioux City, Iowa, chemist ( Nobel / discovery and development of conductive polymers)
  • 1937 Joseph Wambaugh, East Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, author (The New Centurions, The Blue Knight, The Choirboys, The Glitter Dome)
  • 1939 Jeff Smith, Tacoma, Washington, chef (The Frugal Gourmet)
  • 1940 John Hurt, English actor (The Elephant Man, Scandal, Watership Down, Rob Roy, Alien, Harry Potter, Hellboy)
  • 1949  Steve Perry, Hanford, California,  singer and musician (Journey)
  • 1952 Teddy Gentry, Fort Payne, Alabama, musician (Alabama)
  • 1955 Thomas David Jones, Baltimore, Maryland, astronaut & Captain USAF (STS-59, STS-68, STS-80, STS-98)
  • 1956 Steve Riley, Revere, Massachusetts, drummer (L.A. Guns, W.A.S.P., and Steppenwolf)
  • 1956 John Wesley Shipp, Norfolk, Virginia,  actor (Dawson’s Creek )
  • 1959 Linda Blair, St. Louis, Missouri, actress (The Exorcist, Savage Streets, L.A. 7, Scariest Places on Earth)
  • 1965 Steven Adler, Cleveland, Ohio,  drummer (Guns N’ Roses)
  • 1965 Diane Lane, New York City, NY, actress (A Little Romance, The Perfect Storm, Under the Tuscan Sun, Nights in Rodanthe, Killshot, Secretariat)
  • 1980 Christopher Masterson, Long Island, New York,  actor (Malcolm in the Middle )
  • 1981 Ben Moody, Little Rock, Arkansas,  guitarist (Evanescence and We Are the Fallen)

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Tension is who you think you should be.  Relaxation is who you are.  – Chinese Proverb

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1824 British forces are defeated by the Ashantis in the Gold Coast.
  • 1879 Zulu warriors defeat British troops in the Battle of Isandlwana.
  • 1879 A mere 139 British soldiers successfully defend their garrison against an intense assault by four to five thousand Zulu warriors in the Battle of Rorke’s Drift.
  • 1927 First live radio commentary of a football match anywhere in the world, between Arsenal F.C. and Sheffield United at Highbury, is made by Teddy Wakelam.
  • 1947 The first commercial television station west of the Mississippi River, KTLA, begins operation in Hollywood, California.
  • 1957 Israel withdraws from the Sinai Peninsula.
  • 1957 George P. Metesky, the New York City “Mad Bomber”,  is arrested in Waterbury, Connecticut and charged with planting more than 30 bombs.
  • 1959 Water breaches the River Slope Mine near Pittston City, Pennsylvania in Port Griffith and 12 miners are killed in the Knox Mine Disaster.
  • 1962  Cuba’s membership is suspended by The Organization of American States.
  • 1968 The first Lunar module is carried into space by the Apollo 5.
  • 1970 The world’s first “jumbo jet”, The Boeing 747, entered commercial service for Pan American Airways with its maiden voyage from John F. Kennedy International Airport to London Heathrow Airport.
  • 1973 Abortion is legalized in all 50 states by the Supreme Court of the United States with its decision in Roe v. Wade.
  • 1984 The first consumer computer to popularize the computer mouse and the graphical user interface, The Apple Macintosh, is introduced during Super Bowl XVIII with its famous “1984” television commercial.
  • 1987 Pennsylvania politician R. Budd Dwyer shoots and kills himself during a televised press conference, leading to debates on boundaries in journalism.
  • 2002 Kmart becomes the largest retailer in United States history to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.

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A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.”

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”

About half the class rose and came forward.

“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher, “these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark.”

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”

“Yes,” the boy’s mother answered.

“And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked.

“Who cares?” the mother replied.

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ONE-LINERS: Head Scratchers…

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

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pic of the day: Kitten

kitten

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

“All hands report to the aft end of the ship,” the captain ordered sternly.
—–

“I need to go and convalesce,” said Tom hospitably.
—–

“The doctors have discharged me,” said Tom impatiently.
—–

“The prisoner is from country where individual activities are strictly controlled,” said Tom with consternation.
—–

“This tomb is crawling with blood sucking parasites,” announced Tom cryptically.

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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the heck is taking so long? Hit the darned ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance of hitting her from here.”

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My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: The Best of Brownies

~It was actually a mistake. The baker didn’t have baking powder and ended up with an unleavened fudgy treat.

~The first brownie recipe was found in a Sears, Roebuck & Co. Catalogue in the 1800’s. (Sears’ last general merchandise catalogue was published in 1993.)

~The world’s largest brownie was made in 2001. It weighed in at 3,000 lbs. and was made with 750 lbs. of chocolate chips, 500 lbs. of butter, 850 lbs of sugar, 500 lbs. of flour and 3,500 eggs!

~The brownie has its roots in America. Nevertheless, similar bar cookies and squares can be found internationally. Its like Baklava in the Middle East, nanaimo bars from Canada and tray bakes from the UK.

~Although cannabis is the most controversial brownie mix-in, walnut remains the most popular and legal.

~Naturally served as a dessert, brownies can be enjoyed for breakfast or a mid-afternoon snack!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets – Arthur Miller.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

A well-cultivated mind is, so to speak, made up of all the minds of preceding ages; it is only one single mind which has been educated during all this time. – Bernard de Bovier de Fontenelle