Jokes and Trivia for March 8, 2013

While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us. – Benjamin Franklin

TODAY – MARCH 8th – FRIDAY

67th day of 2013 with 298 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* International Women’s Day

* Be Nasty Day

* National Women’s History Month

* National Peanut Cluster Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1804 Alvan Clark, Ashfield, Massachusetts, telescope maker and astronomer (US Naval Observatory, Yerkes Observatory)
  • 1839 James Mason Crafts, Boston, Massachusetts, chemist (Friedel-Crafts-synthesis)
  • 1841 Oliver Wendell Holmes, Boston, Massachusetts, 59th Supreme Court justice (1902-32)
  • 1859 Kenneth Grahame, British author (The Wind in the Willows, The Reluctant Dragon)
  • 1865 Frederick William Goudy, Bloomington, Illinois, printer/type designer
  • 1879 Otto Hahn, German physicist/chemist (Nobel 44, radiothorium/actinium, co-discoverer-nuclear fission)
  • 1886 Edward Calvin Kendall, So. Norwalk, Connecticut, chemist, (Nobel/worked at Mayo Clinic on structure & biological effects of adrenal cortex hormones/ discovery of the hormone Cortisone)
  • 1902 Jennings Randolph, Salem, West Virginia, politician, US Senator from West Virginia
  • 1902 Tom Blake, Wisconsin, surfer / inventor (hollow-core surfboard)
  • 1918 Alan Hale [MacKahan] Jr, Los Angeles, California, actor (Skipper Jonas Grumby-Gilligan’s Island)
  • 1943 Lynn Redgrave, England, actress (Georgie Girl) Weight-Watcher
  • 1945 Micky Dolenz, Los Angeles, California, actor/ musician (The Monkees)
  • 1946 Randy Meisner, Scotts Bluff, Nebraska, musician/ songwriter (The Eagles/ Poco)
  • 1959 Aidan Quinn, Rockford, Illinois, actor (Legends of the Fall, Michael Collins, Reckless, Nine Lives, Dark Matter)
  • 1976 Freddie Prinze Jr., Los Angeles, California, actor (I Know What You Did Last Summer, She’s All That, Scooby-Doo)
  • 1976 Hines Ward, Seoul, South Korea, American football player (Pittsburgh Steelers)
  • 1977 James Van Der Beek, Cheshire, Connecticut, actor (Dawson’s Creek, Eye of the Beast, Stolen, The Storm, Salem Falls)

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Beauty is how you feel inside and it reflects in you eyes.  It is not something physical. – Sophia Loren

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1618 Johannes Kepler discovers the third law of planetary motion.
  • 1702 England’s Queen Anne ascends throne upon death of King William III.
  • 1817 The New York Stock Exchange is founded.
  • 1838 US mint in New Orleans begins operation (producing dimes).
  • 1894 New York passes 1st state dog license law .
  • 1911 International Women’s Day started in Copenhagen, Denmark, by Clara Zetkin, leader of the Women’s Office or the Social Democratic Party in Germany.
  • 1917 The United States Senate votes to limit filibusters by adopting the cloture rule.
  • 1920 The Arab Kingdom of Syria, the first modern Arab state to come into existence, is established.
  • 1924 Castle Gate mine disaster kills 172 coal miners near Castle Gate, Utah.
  • 1936 Daytona Beach Road Course holds their first oval stock car race.
  • 1968 6 year old Tommy Moore scored hole-in-one in golf (Hagerstown MD).
  • 1978 First radio episode of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, is transmitted on BBC Radio 4.
  • 1979 Phillips demonstrates the Compact Disc publicly for the first time.
  • 1999 Supreme Court of the US upholds the murder convictions of Timothy McVeigh for the Oklahoma City bombing.

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“I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m overweight. I have diabetes because it runs in my family.”

“More likely, your family has diabetes because no one runs in your family.”

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She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “Hey, old woman, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance … never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old hag, you’re gonna dance now!” With that he started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector — not wanting to get a toe blown off — started hopping around as everybody laughed.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. Instantly the crowd stopped laughing.

When the young gunslinger heard the sounds he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s butt?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No ma’am … but … I’ve always wanted to.”

There are a few lessons for us all here:

1 – Never be arrogant.
2 – Don’t use up all your ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always, ALWAYS make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don’t you?

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ONE-LINERS: You know you love dogs when …

… you have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

… you have baby gates permanently installed throughout the house, but no babies.

… the trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you’re at work.

… you can’t see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

… poop has become a source of conversation for you and your spouse.

… Even though you have no kids you refer to yourselves as “Mommy” and “Daddy”.

… your dog sleeps with you.

… you have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.

… your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).

… you like people who like your dog. You despise people who don’t.

… you carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

… you talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.

… you sign and send greeting cards from your dog.

… you put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

… you’d rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.

… you go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it’s one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.

… when you open your purse, out pops the collection of baggies you use for pick-ups.

… you get an extra-long hose on your shower- massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.

… you don’t think it’s the least bit strange to stand in the back yard yelling, “Fido, pee!” over and over again, while Fido tends to play and forget what she’s out there for. But what your neighbors think of your behavior is another story.

… you and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for a generic over-the-counter remedy from the drug store.

… your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

… your dog is mentioned on your bumper, license plate frame or the license plate itself. Or all three.

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pic of the day: Question Mark Butterfly

 butterfly

PHOTOGRAPHER: B. Boggs

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

“Doctor, Doctor! You’ve gotta help me! I have a sore throat, I ache all over and I have a fever.”

“Sounds like a virus.”

“Everyone in the office has it.”

“Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection.”

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I called 911 last weekend and reported, “There’s a woman over here doing yard work in one of those thong bikinis.”

“Sir,” said the exasperated dispatcher, “911 is an emergency number. What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a thong bikini?”

“Nothing,” I replied, “But if she keeps it up I will be having a heart attack within the next ten minutes, so I wanted to alert you to send an ambulance for me.”

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A few quips…
~ It’s so cold this morning…I opened my Outlook and had frost on my Windows. 
~ I said I have a can-do attitude…I never said I had a will-do attitude.
~ Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders.
     Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.
~  “Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president. And anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.” – Johnny Carson
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About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying in, on their way to or from a school trip. Once we were in the air the crew had to plead with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until the captain came up with a solution that actually worked.

He announced over the PA, “Children, this is the captain speaking. Don’t make me stop this airplane and come back there!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What you should know about BUTTERFLIES

~Some people say that when the black bands on the Woolybear caterpillar are wide, a cold winter is coming.

~The top butterfly flight speed is 12 miles per hour. Some moths can fly 25 miles per hour!

~Butterflies cannot fly if their body temperature is less than 86 degrees.

~The Brimstone butterfly (Gonepterix rhamni) has the longest lifetime of the adult butterflies: 9-10 months.

~People eat insects – called “Entomophagy”(people eating bugs) – it has been practiced for centuries throughout Africa, Australia, Asia, the Middle East, and North, Central and South America. Why? Because many bugs are both protein-rich and good sources of vitamins, minerals and fats.

~Butterflies and insects have their skeletons on the outside of their bodies, called the exoskeleton.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. – Bob Wells

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Don’t waste your life in doubts and fears: spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour’s duties will be the best preparation for the hours or ages that follow it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson