Jokes and Trivia for May 14, 2012

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes. – Oscar Wilde

TODAY – MAY 14th – MONDAY

135th day of 2012 with 231 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Buttermilk Biscuit Day

*Dance Like a Chicken Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1701 William Emerson, Hurworth, mathematician (The Principles of Mechanics)
  • 1899 Pierre Victor Auger, Paris, physicist, worked in the fields of atomic physics, nuclear physics, and cosmic ray physics
  • 1928 Will “Dub” Jones, Shreveport, Louisiana, singer (The Coasters)
  • 1928 Frederik H. Kreuger, Amsterdam, scientist and inventor (author of technical literature, nonfiction books, thrillers and a decisive biography of the master forger Han van Meegeren)
  • 1936 Bobby Darin, The Bronx, New York, singer (Splish Splash, Dream Lover, Mack the Knife, Beyond the Sea)
  • 1944 George Lucas, Modesto, California, film director (Star Wars, Indiana Jones)
  • 1952 Donald R. McMonagle, Flint, Michigan, astronaut (over 605 hours in space – missions STS-39, STS-54, STS-66; former Manager, Launch Integration at Kennedy Space Center; chair of Mission Management team)
  • 1961 Tim Roth, English actor (Pulp Fiction, Planet of the Apes, The Incredible Hulk, Rob Roy, Lie to Me)
  • 1962 Danny Huston, Rome, Italy, American actor (Way, Robin Hood, The Constant Gardener, Wrath of the Titans )
  • 1964 James M. Kelly, Burlington, Iowa, Air Force pilot, astronaut (STS-102, STS-114)
  • 1969 Cate Blanchett, Australian actress (Elizabeth, Galadriel in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Aviator, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)
  • 1969 Danny Wood, Boston, Massachusetts, singer (New Kids on the Block)
  • 1983 Amber Tamblyn, Santa Monica, California, actress (Joan of Arcadia, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, The Grudge 2, House)
  • 1984 Mark Zuckerberg, White Plains, New York, internet entrepreneur & computer programmer (co-founder of Facebook)
  • 1993 Miranda Cosgrove, Los Angeles, California, actress and singer (Guinness World Records as the Highest Paid Child Actress for iCarly )

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If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything. –  Win Borden

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1607 Jamestown, Virginia is settled as an English colony.
  • 1608 The Protestant Union is founded in Auhausen.
  • 1787 In Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, delegates convene a Constitutional Convention to write a new Constitution for the United States; George Washington presides.
  • 1796 Edward Jenner administers the first smallpox vaccination.
  • 1804 The Lewis and Clark Expedition departs from Camp Dubois and begins its historic journey by traveling up the Missouri River.
  • 1870 The first game of rugby in New Zealand is played in Nelson between Nelson College and the Nelson Rugby Football Club.
  • 1913 New York Governor William Sulzer approves the charter for the Rockefeller Foundation, which begins operations with a $100 million donation from John D. Rockefeller.
  • 1925 Virginia Woolf’s novel Mrs Dalloway is published.
  • 1929 Wilfred Rhodes takes his 4000th first-class wicket during a performance of 9 for 39 at Leyton; he is the only player in history to have reached that plateau.
  • 1948 Israel is declared to be an independent state and a provisional government is established. Immediately after the declaration, Israel is attacked by the neighboring Arab states, triggering the 1948 Arab-Israeli War.
  • 1973 Skylab, the United States’ first space station, is launched.
  • 1988 Carrollton bus collision: a drunk driver traveling the wrong way on Interstate 71 near Carrollton, Kentucky, United States hits a converted school bus carrying a church youth group. The crash and ensuing fire kill 27. 

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There was a blonde driving a car, and all was going fine until the car started speeding up it hit a lot of bumps and she was thrown off , but her foot was caught in a wire her head was bouncing dangerously close to the ground. Just when she was about to give up hope, a Walmart employee came out and unplugged the car.

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ONE-LINERS: Think about it

1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

3. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

5.. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

7. Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

9. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

15. Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

16. Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

17. Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?

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pic of the day: Guinea Fowl Flight

 pic of guinea in fligh

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Husband to blonde wife: “What’s this on your paycheck?”

“Neosporin.”

“Why?”

“I got a cut in pay.”

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I took my blonde girlfriend to dinner in a fancy restaurant. When our drinks were served, I raised my glass and said, “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead.”

“What’s that mean?” asked my girlfriend.

“That is an authentic Irish toast.”

“Oh. Well.” Picking up her glass she said, “Here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”

“Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?”

“That’s French toast.”

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Dumb Move Man

~ Two Michigan robbers charged into a Detroit music store, waving their guns. “Nobody moves!” one of the robbers ordered. The second robber then moved – and the first shot him in the head.

~ A Turkish farmer was taken to the hospital with severe stomach pains. The doctor then discovered that he had ingested pesticide. The Doctor however noticed that it was in too small an amount to be suicidal. So he asked the Farmer why he did so. The farmer had a good reason. He had accidentally swallowed a fly. “I wanted to kill it before it reproduced in me.”

~ A man was out hunting in Arizona when he accidentally shot himself in the leg. Keeping his head about him, he realized that the best way to get help to alert other hunters in the area – so he fired his gun again to attract attention. Unfortunately, he shot himself in the other leg.

~ A man in the Amazon forest was fishing in the river. His lure snagged on a branch. As he yanked his lure, it came loose and hit a hive of bees. He ran and ran and tried to escape the bees. But the bees still followed him. So he jumped into the river. Where he was promptly eaten by piranhas.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Buttermilk trivia

~Originally, buttermilk was the lowfat liquid remaining after churning cream into butter.

~It is used as a drink, in baking and confectionery.

~Buttermilk flakes or liquid butter may be added to give cold milk the appearance of churned buttermilk.

~buttermilk may be called cultured buttermilk, cultured lowfat buttermilk or cultured skim (nonfat) buttermilk.

~Today, buttermilk is low-fat white milk that has had lactic acid added to it, which thickens the milk and gives it a velvety texture and a tangy flavor.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Anger gets us into trouble. Pride keeps us there.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Happiness never decreases by being shared.” – Buddha