Jokes and Trivia for July 1, 2013

“I am a Canadian, free to speak without fear, free to worship in my own way, free to stand for what I think right, free to oppose what I believe wrong, or free to choose those who shall govern my country. This heritage of freedom I pledge to uphold for myself and all mankind.” ― John G. Diefenbaker

TODAY – JULY 1st – MONDAY

182nd day of 2013 with 183 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Canada Day 
.
.
*Creative Ice Cream Flavor Days

*National Gingersnap Day

*International Joke Day

*Postal Worker Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1869 William Strunk Jr., Cincinnati, Ohio, grammarian (Elements of Style)
  • 1903 Amy Johnson, British female aviator who first achieved fame as a result of her attempt (1930) to set a record for solo flight from London to Darwin, Australia, although she missed that record by three days
  •  1912 David Brower, Berkeley, California, environmentalist/president (Sierra Club, Friends of Earth)
  •  1934 Jamie Farr, Toledo, Ohio, actor (Klinger-M*A*S*H, AfterMASH)
  •  1939 Karen Black, Park Ridge, Illinois, actress (Easy Rider, Family Plot, Five Easy Pieces, Firecracker)
  • 1941 Alfred G. Gilman, New Haven, Connecticut, pharmacologist (Nobel / research in G proteins molecules)
  •  1942 Genevieve Bujold, Montreal, Quebec, Canadian actress (King of Hearts, Choose Me, Coma)
  •  1952 Dan Aykroyd, Ottawa, Ontario, Canadiean comedian/actor (SNL, Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, Dragnet)
  •  1961 Diana, Princess of Wales (d. 1997)
  •  1961 Carl Lewis, Birmingham, Alabama, Olympic track & field star (Gold-1984, 1988)
  •  1962 Dominic Keating, Leicester, UK, actor (Malcolm Reed in Star Trek Enterprise)
  •  1966 Patrick McEnroe, Manhasset NY, tennis star
  •  1967 Pamela Anderson, Canadian model / actress (Baywatch, Home Improvement)
  •  1977 Liv Tyler, NYC, actress (Lord of the Rings, Incredible Hulk)
  • 1982 Hilarie Burton, Sterling, Virginia, actress (One Tree Hill, Solstice, White Collar, Grey’s Anatomy)
  • 1988 Evan Ellingson, La Verne, California, actor (Titus, Complete Savages, 24, CSI:Miami, My Sister’s Keeper)

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“We don’t inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.” ― David Brower

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1867 Canadian Confederation formed (New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Ontario & Quebec).
  • 1873 Prince Edward Island becomes 7th Canadian province.
  • 1874 The Philadelphia Zoo, the first zoological gardens in the U.S. opened to the public in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1886 First Linotype machine to be put into commercial use in the U.S. was installed at the Tribune newspaper of New York
  • 1898 Teddy Roosevelt & his Rough Riders charge up San Juan Hill.
  • 1899 Gideon Society established to place bibles in hotels.
  • 1901 U.S. National Bureau of Standards became effective.
  • 1910 First completely automatic bread baking plant in the U.S. was opened by the Ward Baking Company of Chicago, Illinois.
  • 1934 First X-ray photograph of the whole body using ordinary clinical conditions such as would exist at an average hospital was taken in a one-second exposure at Rochester, N.Y.
  • 1963 US postal service institutes the (Zone Improvement Plan) zip code.
  • 1966 Medicare goes into effect.
  • 1979 Sony introduces the Walkman.
  • 1997 China regains sovereignty of Hong Kong, ending 156 years of British colonial rule.

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I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?” Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to take a walk.”

Picture this… all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

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1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”

2nd Person: “A little. What’s wrong?”

1st Person: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”

2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?”

1st Person: “It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”

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ONE-LINERS: You might be Canadian if. . .

~ Your municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
~ You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don’t miss Hockey Night.
~ You think Great Big Sea isn’t Atlantic-centric enough.
~ You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
~ You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
~ You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards.
~ You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
~ You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.
~ You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair.
~ You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
~ You cried when you heard that “Mr Dress Up” died recently.
~ You brag to Americans: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians.
~ You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced “Zed”
~ You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
~ You perk up when you hear the theme song from “Hockey Night in Canada.”
~ You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
~ You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.
~ You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
~ The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer.
~ You can play road hockey on skates.

Q: What are the 2 seasons in Canada?
A: WINTER AND JULY!

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When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son’s bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.

He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

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pic of the day: Windmill at Steinbach’s Mennonite Village

picture of windmill

in Manitoba, Canada

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

•Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can’t croak.
•The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
•On the surface of things whales are always blowing it.
•The marine biology seminars weren’t for entertainment, but were created for educational porpoises.

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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?”, the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

The retiree replied, “Oh great! NOW you tell me!”

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Rules for When You Find Yourself in a Horror Movie
– Don’t assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.

– When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

– Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

– Don’t go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!

– If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.

– When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.

– Don’t have sex. Especially if you’ve noticed a few of your friends are missing!

– As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.

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The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”

“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Oh, Canada!

~“O Canada,” originally named “Chant national,” was written by Adolphe-Basile Routhier (French lyrics) and Calixa Lavallée (music) and first performed in Quebec City in 1880. The song was approved by the Parliament of Canada in 1967 as the unofficial national anthem and adopted officially on July 1, 1980.

~The Canadian motto, A Mari Usque ad Mare, means “From sea to sea.”

~Canada became a country on July 1, 1867, when the British North America Act was passed by the British Parliament.

~The border between Canada and the United States is officially known as the International Boundary. At 5,525 miles, including 1,538 miles between Canada and Alaska, it is the world’s longest border between two nations.

~Although Nova Scotia was granted the British Empire’s first flag by King Charles I in 1625, Canada did not have a national flag until February 15, 1965, when its maple leaf flag was adopted by its parliament. Before that, the red ensign, a British maritime flag, was in general use.

~Its population density is 8.6 people per square mile, making Canada the ninth-most sparsely populated nation in the world.

~At 3,855,103 square miles, Canada is the second largest country in the world, behind Russia.

~Alert, in Nunavut territory, is the northernmost permanent settlement in the world.

~Ice hockey is Canada’s most prevalent sport. The modern game of ice hockey was developed in Canada, based on games that have been played since the tenth century. The rules were first published in the Montreal Gazette in 1877.

~Canada contains 9% of the world’s renewable water supply.

~A black bear cub from Canada named Winnipeg (or “Winnie,” for short) was one of the most popular attractions at the London Zoo after it was donated to the zoo in 1915. Winnie became a favorite of Christopher Robin Milne and inspired the stories written by his father, A.A. Milne, about Winnie-the-Pooh.

    (from Random History)

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

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