Jokes and Trivia for May 18, 2012

The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching. – Dennis Green

TODAY – MAY 18th – FRIDAY

139th day of 2012 with 227 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*International Museum Day

* World Goodwill Day

* Visit Your Relatives Day

* No Dirty Dishes Day

* National Cheese Souffle Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  •  1048 Omar Khayyam, Persian mathematician, poet and philosopher (Rubaiyat)
  •  1850 Oliver Heaviside, physicist predicted existence of ionosphere
  •  1868 Nikolai Aleksandrovich Romanov, Nicholas II, Last Emperor of Russia
  •  1872 Bertrand Russell, England, mathematician/philosopher (Nobel 1950)
  •  1897 Frank Capra, Italy, movie director (It’s a Wonderful Life, Arsenic & Old Lace)
  •  1912 Perry [Pierino] Como, Canonsburg, Pennsylvania, singer/TV host (Perry Como Show)
  • 1920 Pope John Paul II, Poland, pope from October 1978 to April 2005
  •  1924 Priscilla Pointer, New York City, New York, actress (Rebecca-Dallas, Call to Glory)
  • 1928 Pernell Roberts, Waycross, Georgia, actor (Adam Cartwright-Bonanza, Trapper John MD)
  • 1930 Fred[erick Thomas] Saberhagen, Chicago, Illinois, sci-fi author (Berserker series, Book of Swords)
  • 1946 Reggie Jackson, Wyncote, Pennsylvania, “Mr October” baseball right fielder (Yankees, A’s)
  • 1952 Diane E[lizabeth] Duane, New York City, New York, sci-fi author (Door into Fire, So You Want to Be a Wizard series, Rihannsu Star Trek novels)
  • 1952 George Strait, Poteet, Texas, country singer (All My Ex’s Live in Texas, Beyond the Blue Neon)
  • 1970 Tina Fey, Upper Darby Township, Pennsylvania, actress/ author (SNL, 3D Rock, Ponyo, The Invention of Lying, Date Night, Megamind)
  • 1980 Matt Long, Winchester, Kentucky, actor (Ghost Rider, Sydney White, Jack and Bobbie, The Deep End)
  • 1992 Spencer Breslin, NYC,actor (The Santa Clause, Princess Diaries, The Shaggy Dog, The Cat in the Hat)

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A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.A friend is one who walks in when others walk out. – Walter Winchell

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1642 Montreal Canada founded.
  • 1631 John Winthrop takes the oath of office in Dorchester and becomes the first Governor of Massachusetts.
  • 1652 Rhode Island passes the first law in North America making slavery illegal.
  • 1897 Dracula, a novel by Irish author Bram Stoker is published.
  • 1917 US passes Selective Service act giving the President the power of conscription (drafting).
  • 1932 Congress approves “Lindbergh Act”, makes kidnapping a capital offense.
  • 1933 Tennessee Valley Act (TVA) Act signed by FDR, to build dams as part of the New Deal.
  • 1953 Jackie Cochran becomes the first woman to break the sound barrier (she flew in a F-86 Sabrejet at an average speed of 652.337 miles per hour (1049.835 km/h) at Rogers Dry Lake, California).
  • 1969 Apollo 10 (Stafford/Cernan/Young) launched toward lunar orbit.
  • 1980 Mount St Helens erupts in Washington State, killing 57 people and causing $3 billion in damage.
  • 1992 Archivist of the US officially announces the Twenty-seventh Amendment to the United States Constitution (prohibits any law that increases or decreases the salary of members of the Congress from taking effect, until the start of the next set of terms of office for Representatives).

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ONE-LINERS:

~I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn’t rise.

~I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

~I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

~If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

~The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.”

And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

“OK,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints,”I’m your man.”

“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!”

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard,weeping,and there was no ark.

“Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is My ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.”

“Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them,
so no owls.”

“Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.”

“Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.”

“Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!”

“Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire.”

“The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?” he asked hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord, “the government already is doing a fine job.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Let’s talk about CHEESE and SOUFFLE

~The first recipe for soufflé appeared in Vincent La Chapelle’s Le Cuisinier Moderne (1742).

~The word soufflé first appeared in English in Louis Ude’s The French Cook, 1813, and by 1845 was so commonly accepted that in Eliza Acton’s Modern Cookery (1845) a recipe for soufflé was included as just another recipe.

~Did you know that in the Mediterranean area cheese was more popular than milk and butter? In Egypt, the remains of cheese was even found in tomb buried along with the mummies.

~Cheese had a very bad reputation in the early 17th century. It was believed that consumption of this curd could actually make a person stupid.

~What do you call for people who are rich enough to buy a whole wheel? They were called before as “Big Wheel” and “Big Cheese”.

~Cheddar cheese gets its name form Cheddar Gorge in Somerset.

~A study by the British Cheese board in 2005 claimed that cheese promoted peaceful sleep

~having cheese immediately after meals or between meals helps to reduce tooth decay

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. – E. Joseph Cossman

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over. – David Nichols