Jokes and Trivia for May 29, 2012

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace. – Dalai Lama

TODAY – MARCH 29th – TUESDAY

150th day of 2012 with 216 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Learn About Composting Day

*National Coq Au Vin Day

*International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers

*Statehood Day (Rhode Island and Wisconsin)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1736 Patrick Henry, Hanover County, Virginia, patriot, 1st & 6th Governor of Virginia (Give me liberty, or give me death!)
  • 1874 G. K. Chesterton, English novelist (Orthodoxy, The Everlasting Man, Father Brown stories)
  • 1893 Max Brand, Seattle, Washington, author and war correspondent (Destry Rides Again, Dr. Kildare; one of the most prolific authors of all time)
  • 1903 Bob Hope, British-born comedian and actor (did 199 known USO shows for U.S. armed forces; The Paleface, Road to Bali, The Iron Petticoat, Beau James)
  • 1906 T.H. White, British author (The Once and Future King)
  • 1917 John F. Kennedy, Brookline, Massachusetts, 35th President of the United States (assassinated 11-22-1963)
  • 1939 Al Unser, Sr., Albuquerque, New Mexico, race car driver (won Indianapolis 500 4 times)
  • 1942 Kevin Conway, New York City, New York, actor  (Slaughterhouse-Five, Streets of Laredo, The Quick and the Dead, Mercury Rising )
  • 1947 Anthony Geary, Coalville, Utah, actor  (General Hospital)
  • 1949 Andrew Clements, Camden, New Jersey, author (Frindle, Pets to the Rescue series, Jake Drake series)
  • 1949 Robert Axelrod, New York, New York, actor  (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Digimon)
  • 1953 Danny Elfman, Los Angeles, California, musician (Oingo Boingo)
  • 1957 Ted Levine, Bellaire, Ohio, actor (Silence of the Lambs, Monk, The Manchurian Candidate, The Hills Have Eyes)
  • 1958 Annette Bening, Topeka, Kansas, actress (The Grifters, The American President, American Beauty, The Kids are all Right, Being Julia)
  • 1975 Melanie Brown, Harehills, Leeds, West Yorkshire, , English musician and actress (Spice Girls)
  • 1975 Daniel Tosh, Boppard, Rhineland-Palatinate, West Germany, comedian (Tosh.0)
  • 1977 Danny Gerard, Mount Vernon, New York, actor (Brooklyn Bridge, Blue Skies)
  • 1987 Alessandra Torresani, Palo Alto, California, actress  (Caprica)
  • 1989 Brandon Mychal Smith, Los Angeles, California, actor and musician  (Phil of the Future)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

You can never get enough of what you don’t need to make you happy. – Eric Hoffer

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1660 English Restoration: Charles II is restored to the throne of Great Britain.
  • 1677 Treaty of Middle Plantation establishes peace between the Virginia colonists and the local Natives.
  • 1790 Rhode Island becomes the last of the original United States’ colonies to ratify the Constitution and is admitted as the 13th U.S. state.
  • 1798 United Irishmen Rebellion: Between 300 and 500 United Irishmen are massacred by the British Army in County Kildare, Ireland.
  • 1848 Wisconsin is admitted as the 30th U.S. state.
  • 1852 Jenny Lind left New York after her wildly successful two-year American tour.
  • 1886 Chemist John Pemberton places his first advertisement for Coca-Cola, the ad appearing in the Atlanta Journal.
  • 1918 Armenia defeats the Ottoman Army in the Battle of Sardarapat.
  • 1919 Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity is tested (later confirmed) by Arthur Eddington and Andrew Crommelin.
  • 1942 Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra record Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas”, the best-selling Christmas single in history.
  • 1953 Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay become the first people to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
  • 1964 The Arab League meets in East Jerusalem to discuss the Palestinian question, leading to the formation of the Palestinian Liberation Organization.
  • 1969 General strike in Córdoba, Argentina, leading to the Cordobazo civil unrest.
  • 1985 Amputee Steve Fonyo completes cross-Canada marathon at Victoria, British Columbia, after 14 months.
  • 1999 Olusegun Obasanjo takes office as President of Nigeria, the first elected and civilian head of state in Nigeria after 16 years of military rule.
  • 1999 Space Shuttle Discovery completes the first docking with the International Space Station.
  • 2001 U.S. Supreme Court rules that disabled golfer Casey Martin can use a cart to ride in tournaments.
  • 2004 The World War II Memorial is dedicated in Washington, D.C.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. 
She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” 
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: “I think I’d throw up.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: Top 9 Signs You Smoke Too Much

9. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a “cigarette break.”

8. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

7. Your title for the Surgeon General: “Captain Bringdown.”

6. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

5. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.

4. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying. “Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts…”.

3. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as “pink-lunged sissy boys.”

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn’t realize you were in a “nonsmoking” iron lung.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Baby Birds

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

In one of his autobiographical works, English author Augustus John Cuthbert Hare described the experience of a certain lady who awoke in the middle of the night with the sense that someone else was in her room. The sound of footsteps going to and fro across the room and the impression of hands moving over the bed terrified the poor lady so much that she fainted. Only when morning came was it discovered that the butler had walked in his sleep and set a table for fourteen places upon her bed.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

GRAMMAR RULES

1.   Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2.  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3.  And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

4.  It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5.  Avoid cliches like the plague. They’re old hat.

6.  Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7.  Be more or less specific.

8.  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9.  Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10.  No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.

11.  Contractions aren’t helpful and shouldn’t be used.

12.  Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13.  Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

14.  One should never generalize.

15.  Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16.  Don’t use no double negatives.

17.  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18.  One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19.  Analogies in writing are like water on the back of a duck.

20.  The passive voice is to be ignored.

21.  Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22.  Never use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.

23.  Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24.  Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25.  Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth-shattering ideas.

26.  Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

28.  If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29.  Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30.  Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31.  Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32.  Who needs rhetorical questions?

33.  Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34.  Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

35.  The spell chequer is knot always write.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA
: Today is Composting day!

~There are A LOT of things you can compost — and not just fruit and veggie scraps.  Tea bags, newspaper, lint could be composted too!

~You can buy a compost bin or if you’re handy, you can make one.   Just check out the instructions on different types of compost bins.

~Composting is incredibly low maintenance.  One thing you should do is check the moisture (it should be about as moist as a damp sponge) and add some water if it seems too dry.  If it seems too moist, add some dead leaves.

~ And Yes! You can compost in the winter!  (Even if you live somewhere with harsh winters!)

~If you live in an apartment building or lack the space for a compost bin in your yard, never fear, you can still compost! Worm composting, or vermicomposting, can be done inside.

~Composting can suppress plant diseases.  It will also usually eliminate the need for chemical fertilizers

~Composting can clean contaminated soil.  “Composting absorbs odors and treats both volatile and semi volatile organic compounds

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

QUIP OF THE DAY: Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. – Confucius

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.”

~Einstein~