Jokes and Trivia for March 1, 2013

Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities. – Aristotle

TODAY – MARCH 1st – FRIDAY

61st day of 2013 with 305 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* National Fruit Compote Day

* National Pig Day

National Self-Injury Awareness Day

*Peanut Butter Lovers’ Day

* St. David’s Day (patron saint of Wales, St. David, born in the 6th century at Henfynw, Cardigan)

* Employee Appreciation Day (first Friday in March)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 752 BC Romulus, founder of Rome
  • 1810 Frédéric Chopin, Poland, composer/pianist (Concerto in F Minor)
  • 1904 Glenn Miller, Clarinda Iowa, bandleader (jazz, Swing)
  • 1910 Archer John Porter Martin, English chemist (Nobel/ invention of partition chromatography with Richard Synge)
  • 1910 David Niven, Scotland, actor (Casino Royale, Eye of the Devil)
  • 1914 Ralph Waldo Ellison, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, writer (Invisible Man, Shadow & Cast)
  • 1914 Harry Caray, St. Louis Missouri, baseball sportscaster (7th inning singing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”)
  • 1924 Donald “Deke” Kent Slayton, Sparta Wisconsin, Major USAF/astronaut (Apollo 18)
  • 1927 Harry Belafonte, New York City, New York, musician / activist (King of Calypso / civil rights)
  • 1928 Seymour Papert, born Feb. 29th in Pretoria, South Africa, American MIT mathematician, computer scientist, and educator / a pioneer of artificial intelligence, invented Logo programming language
  • 1935 Robert Conrad, Chicago, Illinois, actor (The Wild Wild West, Baa Baa Black Sheep)
  • 1945 Dirk Benedict, Helena Montana, actor (The A-Team, Starbuck/original Battlestar Galactica)
  • 1946 Lana Wood, Santa Monica CA, actress (Diamonds are Forever, Captain America)
  • 1952 Nevada Barr, Yerington, Nevada, author (Anna Pigeon mysteries set in national parks of U.S.; Track of the Cat)
  • 1953 Ron Howard, Duncan Oklahoma, actor/director (Andy Griffith Show, Happy Days/ Willow, Apollo 13, Backdraft)
  • 1954 Catherine Bach,Warren Ohio, actress (Daisy Duke-Dukes of Hazzard, African Skies)
  • 1956 Timothy Daly, New York City, New York, actor (Joe-Wings, Private Practice, Sopranos, voice Superman animated)
  • 1967 George Eads, Fort Worth Texas, actor (Nick Stokes/ CSI)
  • 1978 Alicia Leigh Willis, Atlanta Georgia, actress (7th Heaven, Another World, General Hosptial, American Heiress, The L Word)
  • 1994 Justin Bieber, Canadian singer (My World, Under the Mistletoe, Believe)

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The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts; therefore guard accordingly. – Marcus Aurelius

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1803 Ohio becomes 17th state.
  • 1845 President Tyler signs a resolution annexing the Republic of Texas.
  • 1867 Most of Nebraska becomes 37th US state (expanded later).
  • 1872 Yellowstone becomes world’s 1st national park.
  • 1873 E. Remington and Sons in Ilion, New York begins production of the first practical typewriter.
  • 1936 The Hoover Dam is completed.
  • 1961 President John F. Kennedy establishes the Peace Corps.
  • 1962 K-Mart opens first store in Garden City, MI.
  • 1968 NBC’s unprecedented on-air announcement, Star Trek will return.
  • 1973 Robyn Smith becomes 1st female jockey to win a major race.
  • 1974 Watergate scandal: Seven are indicted for their role in the Watergate break-in and charged with conspiracy to obstruct justice.
  • 2002 Envisat environmental satellite successfully reaches an orbit 800 kilometers (500 miles) above the Earth on its 11th launch, carrying the heaviest payload to date at 8500 kilograms (9.5 tons).
  • 2003 Management of US Customs Service and the US Secret Service move to the US Department of Homeland Security
  • 2006 English-language Wikipedia reaches its one millionth article, Jordanhill railway station.
  • 2007 Tornadoes swarm across the southern US, killing at least 20; eight of the deaths are at a high school in Enterprise, Alabama.

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After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, Denis replied, ‘That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.’

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The idea is to match file extensions to job titles. For example: .tiff = Marriage counsellor

Here are others file extension that we have linked to occupations:

.api = Comedian
.asp = Snake-in-the-grass
.bin = Refuse collector
.doc = Fixer
.chk = Chess champion
.dic = Private eye
.exe = Hang man
.fav = Boot licker
.gem = Jeweller
.ico = Office pin-up
.inf = Filing Clerk
.ins = Insurance agent
.mad = Psychiatrist
.mam = Midwife
.mapi = Planning officer
.mov = Removal company
.mpg = Car salesman
.png = Table Tennis Champion
.ppt = Punch and Judy operator
.pub = Alcoholic
.qt = Strong silent type
.rat = Spy
.snd = Disk Jockey
.sys = Sister
.tiff = Marriage guidance counsellor
.wav = Cheerleader
.wiz = Magician
.wri = Secretary
.zap = Company hatchet man

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A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar’s wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, ‘I’d like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their $400 rent arrears.’

‘How frightful!’ exclaimed the vicar’s wife. ‘May I ask who you are?’

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, ‘I’m their landlord.’

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ONE-LINERS: Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work:

You’ve read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar. Every day.

You discover that if you stare at your cubicle wall long enough it starts to look like Elvis.

You’ve definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office frequently to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General Wite-Out has called for reinforcements.

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pic of the day: In Honor of National Pig Day

 picture of pot bellied pig

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for several days.

I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it. One day on the elevator a secretary whom I hadn’t seen for some time looked at my black eye and exclaimed, “My goodness, what happened to you?”

“The dog did it,” I wearily replied.

A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly, “A boxer no doubt.”

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Thanksgiving day was approaching and we had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. I showed the card to my small grandchildren, observing, “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their family.”

“Oh yeah?” my young grandson replied, “So why is the dad carrying a rifle?”

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A man goes to a pet store to buy a monkey. The first monkey he looks at seems normal, doing normal monkey things. The guy asks, “How much for this monkey?”

“Five thousand dollars.”

“$5000? Are you kidding?!?”

“You see, this is a programmer monkey. He knows a little bit of Visual Basic 6.”

The guy continues to look around, and notices another monkey who looks very studious and is doing some intricate swings from the bars. “How much for this one?”

“Ten thousand dollars.”

“You’re really kidding me this time, right?”

“No. You see, this monkey can do C#, Java, and C++. He’s really smart.

The guy decides that he needs to aim lower. He keeps looking around the store until he notices a very dull-looking monkey who is not doing anything, just sitting in a corner. The guy asks, “OK, how much for this one?”

“Fifty thousand dollars.”

“GIVE ME A BREAK! What is so great about this monkey that makes it worth so much more than the others?”

“Well … I don’t really know. He just sits around all day, doing nothing. He calls himself a manager.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: COMPOTE

~Compote is a dessert originating from 17th century France made of whole or pieces of fruit in sugar syrup.

~Whole fruits are immersed in water and with sugar and spices added to the dish,

~The compote is then served either warm or chilled arranged in a large fruit bowl or single-serve bowl for individual presentation.

~Other preparations consist of using dried fruits which have been soaked in water in which alcohol

~ Dried fruit compote is a common passover food.

~In France a compote can also be a fine puree of cooked fruit made usually with a base of apple

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QUIP OF THE DAY: All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it. – Samuel Butler

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Difficulties strengthen the mind, as well as labor does the body. – Seneca