Jokes and Trivia for December 2, 2013

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” ― J.K. Rowling

TODAY – DECEMBER 2nd – MONDAY

336th day of 2013 with 29 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Fritters Day

*International Day For The Abolition Of Slavery

*Bingo Month

*Write a Friend Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1863 Charles Edward Ringling, McGregor, Iowa, businessman (co-founded the Ringling Brothers Circus)
  • 1885 George Richards Minot, Boston, Massachusetts, physician (Nobel Prize / studied anemia)
  • 1905 S. Joseph Begun , German-American, inventor (built the first tape recorder for broadcasting which was later used in the 1936 Olympics)
  • 1906 Peter Carl Goldmark, German-Hungarian engineer (developed color TV and LP records)
  • 1910 Russell Lynes, Great Barrington, Massachusetts, photographer, art historian, and author (managing editor of Harper’s Magazine for 20 years)
  • 1914 Ray Walston, New Orleans, Louisiana, actor (My Favorite Martian, Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
  • 1921 Isabella Karle, Detroit, Michigan, chemist (development of “Symbolic Addition Procedure”, for structure determination from X-ray diffraction data on crystalline materials, National Medal of Science Bower Award)
  • 1925 Julie Harris, Grosse Pt, Michigan, actress (Bell Jar, East of Eden, The Belle of Amherst)
  • 1944 Cathy Lee Crosby, Los Angeles, California, actress (Coach, The Last Guy on Earth, That’s Incredible!)
  • 1946 David Macaulay, English-American author and illustrator (Pyramid, Castle, Great Moments of Architecture, The Way Things Work, Built to Last)
  • 1946 Gianni Versace, Italian fashion designer (founded Versace)
  • 1948 Elizabeth Berg, St. Paul, Minnesota, author (Open House, Home Safe, Tapestry of Fortunes)
  • 1948 T. Coraghessan Boyle, Peekskill, New York, author (World’s End, Drop City, San Miguel, Tooth and Claw, T.C. Boyle Stories)
  • 1954 Dan Butler, Huntington, Indiana, actor (Frasier )
  • 1954 Stone Phillips, Texas City, Texas, television journalist (Dateline NBC)
  • 1956 Steven Bauer, Havana, Cuba, actor (Scarface, From Mexico with Love, Enemies Among Us )
  • 1963 Ann Patchett, Los Angeles, California, author (Bel Canto, Run, The Patron Saint of Liars, The Magician’s Assistant)
  • 1968 Lucy Liu, Queens, New York, actress (Charlie’s Angels, Chicago, Kill Bill, Kung Fu Panda)
  • 1981 Britney Spears, McComb, Mississippi, singer and entertainer (…Baby One More Time, Oops!… I Did It Again, Me Against the Music, Toxic, Everytime)
  • 1983 Jana Kramer, Detroit, Michigan, actress (90210, Entourage, One Tree Hill)
  • 1983 Daniela Ruah, Boston, Massachusetts, actress (Kensi Blye in NCIS: Los Angeles)

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“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ― Gautama Buddha

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1697 St. Paul’s Cathedral is consecrated in London.
  • 1763  Touro Synagogue in Newport, Rhode Island, is dedicated. It is the first synagogue in what will become the United States.
  • 1775 John Paul Jones hoists the Grand Union Flag (precursor to the Stars and Stripes) on the The USS Alfred, the first vessel to fly it.
  • 1804 Napoleon Bonaparte crowns himself Emperor of the French, the first French Emperor in a thousand years, at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.
  • 1823 US President James Monroe delivers a speech establishing American neutrality in future European conflicts (Monroe Doctrine).
  • 1845 US President James K. Polk announces to Congress that the United States should aggressively expand into the West, known as Manifest Destiny.
  • 1867 At Tremont Temple in Boston, British author Charles Dickens gives his first public reading in the United States.
  • 1930 During the Great Depression US President Herbert Hoover goes before the Congress to askfor a US$150 million public works program to help generate jobs and stimulate the economy.
  • 1939 New York City’s La Guardia Airport opens.
  • 1942 As part of the Manhattan Project a team led by Enrico Fermi initiates the first self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction.
  • 1954 The Sino-American Mutual Defense Treaty between the United States and the Republic of China is signed in Washington, D.C..
  • 1970 The United States Environmental Protection Agency begins operations.
  • 1972 “December Giant” largest sinkhole in US collapses in Shelby, Alabama.
  • 1993 Space Shuttle STS-61, Space Shuttle Endeavour, is launched by NASA on a mission to repair the Hubble Space Telescope.
  • 2001 Enron files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

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Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Dewey said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”

“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”

“I tried,” Dewey sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”

“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”

Thanking the Priest, Dewey hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

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Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy’s checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, “I’ve done it! I made it balance!”

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. “Let’s see… mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?”

“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place!”

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ONE-LINERS:
~ All that glitters has a high refractive index.
~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I’m going to choke it.
~ Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~ Bad decisions make good stories.
~ Bald spot? No, that’s a solar panel for brain power.
~ Beware of the letter ‘G’! It is the end of everything!
~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?
~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
~ By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them.
~ At pilot’s training back in the Air Corps they taught us, “Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make.”

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While driving with my daughter and her husband, I noticed that the woman in the car ahead of us had a rather odd vanity plate.

“That’s weird,” I said, pointing to it. “Why would anyone want to boast about mold on their car?”

“Call me crazy,” said my son-in-law after deciphering the phrase, “but I believe that reads ‘FUN-GAL.'”

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pic of the day: Castillo De San Marcos National Monument

Castillo De San Marcos National Monument

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Cop to suspect: “You’ve got a rap sheet a mile long. You’ve been convicted of shoplifting, pick-pocketing, petty larceny and breaking and entering. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“No man should be ashamed of his convictions.”

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Have you ever wondered why baby diapers have brand names like “Luvs” and “Huggies”, while undergarments for old
people are called “Depends”?

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em and Hug’em.

When old people poop in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.

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An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work.

“What about your bus line?” the interviewer asked her.

“I don’t believe I mentioned it,” came the pleased reply, “but it’s a 36C.”

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You know you’re having a bad day when …

… your horn sticks on the freeway. And you’re driving behind 32 Hell’s Angels.

… the worst player on the golf course wants to play you. For money.

… you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

… you get to work and find a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.

… your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

… the evening news is showing emergency routes out of the city.

… your twin sister forgets your birthday.

… your 4-year-old tells you that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

… you realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

… you discover that your 12-year-old’s idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.

… you start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night and there aren’t any.

… it costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

… you wake up to the soothing sound of running water. And remember that you just bought a waterbed.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

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