Jokes and Trivia for December 3, 2013

“The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.” ― Isaac Asimov

TODAY -DECEMBER 3rd – TUESDAY

337th day of 2013 with 28 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Roof over Your Head Day

*International Day of Persons with Disabilities

*International Basque Language Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1842 Ellen Swallow Richards, Dunstable, Massachusetts, scientist, first American woman to earn a degree in chemistry (pioneering the field of home economics)
  • 1842 Charles Alfred Pillsbury, Warner, New Hampshire, industrialist (founder of Pillsbury Company)
  • 1857 Joseph Conrad, Polish-born British writer (An Outcast of the Islands, Heart of Darkness, Lord Jim, Typhoon)
  • 1900 Richard Kuhn, Austrian-German biochemist (Nobel / work on carotenoids and vitamins)
  • 1927 Andy Williams, Wall Lake, Iowa, singer (Moon River)
  • 1934 Nicolas Coster, London, United Kingdom, actor (Young Doctor Malone, Another World, One Life to Live, As the World Turns)
  • 1937 Bobby Allison, Miami, Florida, NASCAR race car driver (one of 50 greatest drivers)
  • 1937 Morgan Llywelyn, American-born Irish author (Druids, The Elementals, Pirate Queen, The vikings in Ireland, Brendan)
  • 1949 Heather Menzies, Canadiean-American actress (My Three Sons, The Sound of Music, Hawaii, Logan’s Run, Piranha, Endangered Species)
  • 1951 Rick Mears, Wichita, Kansas, race car driver (won Indianapolis 500 four times)
  • 1960 Daryl Hannah, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Splash, Blade Runner, Steel Magnolias, Kill Bill)
  • 1960 Julianne Moore, Fort Bragg, North Carolina, actress (The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Hannibal, Far From Heaven)
  • 1965 Katarina Witt, German figure skater (2 Olympic gold medals, 4-time World Champion, 6 consecutive European Championships)
  • 1965 Steve Harris, Chicago, Illinois, actor (The Practice)
  • 1968 Brendan Fraser, Canadian-American actor (3 Mummy films, Encino Man, George of the Jungle, Journey to the Center of the Earth)
  • 1980 Anna Chlumsky, Chicago, Illinois, actress (My Girl, Veep )
  • 1994 Jake T. Austin, New York City, New York, actor (Wizards of Waverly Place; Go, Diego, Go!; Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn )

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“We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” ― Marilyn Monroe

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1898 The Duquesne Country and Athletic Club defeated, a collection of early football players, from several teams based in southwestern Pennsylvania, in what is considered to be the very first all-star game for professional American football.
  • 1901 US President Theodore Roosevelt delivers a 20,000-word speech to the House of Representatives asking the Congress to curb the power of trusts “within reasonable limits”.
  • 1904 The Jovian moon Himalia is discovered by Charles Dillon Perrine at California’s Lick Observatory.
  • 1910 Modern neon lighting is first demonstrated by Georges Claude at the Paris Motor Show.
  • 1927 Putting Pants on Philip, the first Laurel and Hardy film, is released.
  • 1944 Greek Civil War: Fighting breaks out in Athens between the ELAS and government forces supported by the British Army.
  • 1973 Pioneer program: Pioneer 10 sends back the first close-up images of Jupiter.
  • 1976 An assassination attempt is made on Bob Marley. He is shot twice, but plays a concert two days later.
  • 1979 In Cincinnati, Ohio, 11 fans are suffocated in a crush for seats on the concourse outside Riverfront Coliseum before a Who concert.
  • 1982 A soil sample is taken from Times Beach, Missouri that will be found to contain 300 times the safe level of dioxin.
  • 1997 In Ottawa, Canada, representatives from 121 countries sign The Ottawa treaty prohibiting manufacture and deployment of anti-personnel landmines. The United States, People’s Republic of China, and Russia do not sign the treaty, however.
  • 1999 NASA loses radio contact with the Mars Polar Lander moments before the spacecraft enters the Martian atmosphere.
  • 1999 Six firefighters are killed in the Worcester Cold Storage Warehouse fire in Worcester, Massachusetts.
  • 2005 XCOR Aerospace makes first manned rocket aircraft delivery of US Mail in Mojave, California.
  • 2007 Winter storms cause the Chehalis River to flood many cities in Lewis County, Washington, also closing a 20-mile portion of Interstate 5 for several days. At least eight deaths and billions of dollars in damages are blamed on the floods.
  • 2009 A suicide bombing in Mogadishu, Somalia, claims the lives of 25 people, including three ministers of the Transitional Federal Government.

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After my three-year old put his shoes on by himself, I noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot.

I said, “Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.”

He looked up at me with dismay, and a raised brow. “Don’t kid me, Mom. These are the only feet I got!”

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“Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company.”

“Would you spell that, please?”

“Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you.”

“Just a minute, sir. I’ll connect you with my supervisor.”

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ONE-LINERS:
~ To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
~ We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
~ What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it? Next week!
~ What doesn’t kill you will still definitely bum you out.
~ Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:”, I always put “A doctor.”
~ Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
~ Why is it called “after dark” when it’s really after light?
~ Wisdom is knowing reality and adjusting yourself to it.
~ Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
~ To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Bizarre Labels:

1) Peanuts: “May contain nuts.”

2) Puma shoe box: “Average Contents: 2 International Yacht Varnish – Not suitable for marine use.”

3) Birthday Card for a 2 year old: “Not suitable for children under 3.”

4) Superman outfit: “Does not enable wearer to fly.”

5) Child’s Scooter: “This product moves when used.”

6) Meat Product: “Oven ready half-wild rabbit.”

7) Mozzarella salad bagel: “Keep refrigerated … avoid the fridge.”

8) Sleeping Pills: “Warning, may cause drowsiness.”

9) Shop Window Advert: “Cleaner Lady Wanted.”

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pic of the day: Cannons at Castillo De San Marcos National Monument

picture of cannons on fort

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”

“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

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English Words with Quirky Logic

~ There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger.

~ Have you noticed that there is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

~ English muffins weren’t invented in England.

~ French fries do not originate in France.

~ A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And there are no hogs in Hogmanay.

~ And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

~ Quicksand only works slowly.

~ If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?

~ If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

~ If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

~ You cannot buy boots in Boots nor virgins in Virgin. You cannot buy threshers in Threshers and the Superdrug chain is a big disappointment.

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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

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Pick-up Lines Gone Wrong

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
Woman: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to your place and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “What sign were you born under?”
Woman: “No Parking.”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’ – Claude Pepper

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ― Gilda Radner

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