Jokes and Trivia for December 12, 2012

Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others. ― Martin Luther King Jr.

TODAY – DECEMBER 12th – WEDNESDAY

347th day of 2012 with 19 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Ding-a-Ling Day

*Poinsettia Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1863 Edvard Munch, Norwegian painter (The Scream)
  • 1866 Alfred Werner, Mulhouse, Alsace, Swiss chemist (configuration of transition metal complexes)
  • 1893 Edward G. Robinson, Romanian-American actor (Little Caesar, Key Largo, Double Indemnity, The Ten Commandments)
  • 1915 Frank Sinatra, Hoboken, New Jersey, singer and actor
  • 1923 Bob Barker, Darrington, Washington, television game show host (Truth or Consequences, The Price is Right)
  • 1927 Robert Noyce, Burlington, Iowa, inventor (integrated circuit or microchip which fueled the personal computer revolution and gave Silicon Valley its name)
  • 1940 Dionne Warwick, East Orange, New Jersey, singer (40 biggest hit makers of the entire rock era (1955–1999) )
  • 1943 Dickey Betts, West Palm Beach, Florida, musician (The Allman Brothers Band)
  • 1947 Wings Hauser, Hollywood, California, actor (Rubber, Stone Angel )
  • 1952 Cathy Rigby, Los Alamitos, California, gymnast (first American woman to win medal at World Gymnastics Championships) and actress
  • 1953 Bruce Kulick, Brooklyn, New York, guitarist (Kiss, Grand Funk Railroad)
  • 1958 Sheree J. Wilson, Rochester, Minnesota, actress (Walker, Texas Ranger )
  • 1967 Deke Sharon, San Francisco, musician, the father of contemporary a cappella
  • 1970 Jennifer Connelly, Round Top, New York,  actress (The Day the Earth Stood Still , He’s Just Not That Into You )
  • 1970 Regina Hall, Washington, D.C., actress (Scary Movie )
  • 1977 Bridget Hall, Springdale, Arkansas, supermodel, she was listed in Forbes as one of the “best ten” moneymaking supermodel

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Find a job you love to do and you’ll never have to work a day in your life. – Harvey MacKay

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1781  Second Battle of Ushant – A Royal Navy squadron, commanded by Rear Admiral Richard Kempenfelt in HMS Victory, defeats a French fleet during the American Revolutionary War.
  • 1787 Pennsylvania becomes the second state to ratify the United States Constitution five days after Delaware became the first.
  • 1915 President of the Republic of China, Yuan Shikai announces his intention to reinstate the monarchy and proclaim himself Emperor of China.
  • 1917 In Nebraska, Father Edward J. Flanagan founds Boys Town as a farm village for wayward boys.
  • 1941 Adolf Hitler announces plans for extermination of the Jews at a meeting in the Reich Chancellery.
  • 1942 World War II: German troops begin Operation Winter Storm, an attempt to relieve encircled Axis forces during the Battle of Stalingrad.
  • 1942 A fire in a hostel in St. John’s, Newfoundland kills 100 people.
  • 1946 A fire at a New York City ice plant spreads to a nearby tenement killing 37 people.
  • 1950 Paula Ackerman, the first woman appointed to perform rabbinical functions in the United States, leads the congregation in her first services.
  • 1956 Beginning of the Irish Republican Army’s “Border Campaign”.
  • 1985 Arrow Air Flight 1285 crashes after takeoff in Gander, Newfoundland killing 256, including 236 members of the United States Army’s 101st Airborne Division.
  • 1988 The Clapham Junction rail crash kills thirty-five and injures hundreds after two collisions of three commuter trains – one of the worst train crashes in the United Kingdom.
  • 1991 Russian Federation gains independence from the USSR.
  • 2000 The United States Supreme Court releases its decision in Bush v. Gore
  • 2005 Gebran Tueni, Lebanese journalist and politician, is assassinated.

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One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, “Why are you late?”

The student replied, “I was trying not to get another ticket.”

The officer let him in.

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A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.

The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.

She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, “What do you suggest I wash it down with?”

“Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River.”

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ONE-LINERS: What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He’s a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner’s Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yakking).

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pic of the day: Wild Tom Turkey

picture of wild turkey tom

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Omelet
Omelet who?
Omelet smarter than I look.

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On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.”

A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

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A father was helping one of his little twins say his evening prayers.  He would say a line, then the child would repeat it.

“Bless us to be good so we can return unto Thee.” says the Father.

“Bless us to be good so we can turn on the TV.” says the child.

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“Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”

“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?”

“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Ding-A-Ling Day

~They sponsor the annual Ding-A-Ling Day to promote their agenda of ‘less wiles, more smiles; less tears, more cheers; less push, more shove.’

~Today is National Ding-a-Ling Day, a very special day to “Ring your Bell”.

~On this day, be ready to brace yourself for bizarre and crazy behavior, from all of the people you encounter today. Even conservative type of  people have been known to go a little crazy on this day.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: He’s so small, he’s a waste of skin – Fred Allen.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Success, in life, is most easily measured by the number of days you are truly happy. – Eric Edmeades