Jokes and Trivia for January 18, 2013

The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score. – Bill Copeland

TODAY – JANUARY 18th- FRIDAY

18th day of 2013 with 347 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Thesaurus Day

*Winnie the Pooh Day (The Birthday of Winnie’s author A.A. Milne)

*Peking Duck Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1779 Peter Roget, British lexicographer of thesaurus fame/inventor (slide rule, pocket chessboard)
  • 1782 Daniel Webster, Salisbury, New Hampshire, orator/politician/lawyer
  • 1813 Joseph Farwell Glidden, Charlestown, New Hampshire, farmer/inventor (patented commercially usable barbed wire)
  • 1854 Thomas Watson, Salem, Massachusetts, American telephone pioneer (assisted Alexander Graham Bell)
  • 1880 Paul Ehrenfest, Vienna, Austria,  physicist , made major contributions to the field of statistical mechanics and its relations with quantum mechanics, including the theory of phase transition and the Ehrenfest theorem
  • 1882 Alan Alexander Milne, English author (Winnie-the-Pooh)
  • 1888 Thomas Sopwith, British aviation pioneer (Sopwith Camel)
  • 1904 Cary Grant, Bristol, England, actor (Arsenic & Old Lace, North by Northwest, She Done Him Wrong, North by Northwest, To Catch a Thief)
  • 1922 Bob Bell, Flint, Michigan, Bozo the Clown
  • 1933 Ray Dolby, Portland, Oregan,  inventor (Dolby noise reduction system)
  • 1941 David Ruffin, Whynot, Mississippi,  singer (The Temptations)
  • 1952 R. Stevie Moore, Nashville, Tennessee, singer, songwriter, and home recording pioneer (Me Too  )
  • 1955 Kevin Costner, Lynwood, California,actor (Field of Dreams, Robin Hood in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, the Mariner in Waterworld, A Perfect World , The Untouchables)
  • 1961 Jeff Yagher, Lawrence, Kansas, actor (V: The Series , 21 Jump Street)
  • 1962 Alison Arngrim, New York City, New York,  actress (Little House on the Prairie )
  • 1969 Jesse L. Martin, Rocky Mount, Virginia,actor and singer (Law & Order )
  • 1971 Jonathan Davis, Bakersfield, California, singer (KoЯn)
  • 1980 Jason Segel, Los Angeles, California, actor (Freaks and Geeks , Undeclared, ,Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Knocked Up, I Love You, Man, Gulliver’s Travels )
  • 1982 Joanna Newsom, Nevada City, California, harpist/singer-songwriter
  • 1993 Morgan York, Burbank, California,  actress (Hannah Montana , The Pacifier )

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To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. – Elbert Hubbard

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1778 James Cook is the first known European to discover the Hawaiian Islands, which he names the “Sandwich Islands”.
  • 1861 American Civil War: Georgia joins South Carolina, Florida, Mississippi, and Alabama in seceding from the United States.
  • 1866 Wesley College, Melbourne is established.
  • 1896 The X-ray machine is exhibited for the first time.
  • 1903 President Theodore Roosevelt sends a radio message to King Edward VII: the first transatlantic radio transmission originating in the United States.
  • 1911 Eugene B. Ely lands on the deck of the USS Pennsylvania stationed in San Francisco harbor, the first time an aircraft landed on a ship.
  • 1919 World War I: The Paris Peace Conference opens in Versailles, France.
  • 1919 Bentley Motors Limited is founded by Walter Owen Bentley.
  • 1944 The Metropolitan Opera House in New York City hosts a jazz concert for the first time. The performers are Louis Armstrong, Benny Goodman, Lionel Hampton, Artie Shaw, Roy Eldridge and Jack Teagarden.
  • 1969 United Airlines Flight 266 crashes into Santa Monica Bay killing all 32 passengers and six crew members.
  • 1974 A Disengagement of Forces agreement is signed between the Israeli and Egyptian governments, ending conflict on the Egyptian front of the Yom Kippur War.
  • 1977 Scientists identify a previously unknown bacterium as the cause of the mysterious Legionnaires’ disease.
  • 1989 Otis Redding, Dion, Rolling Stones, Temptations & Stevie Wonder inducted into Rock & Roll Hall of Fame at 4th annual ceremony.
  • 1990 Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is arrested for drug possession in an FBI sting.
  • 1993 Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is officially observed for the first time in all 50 states.
  • 2000 The Tagish Lake meteorite impacts the Earth (150 tons – landed in Canada).
  • 2007 The strongest storm in the United Kingdom in 17 years kills 14 people, Germany sees the worst storm since 1999 with 13 deaths. Hurricane Kyrill, causes at least 44 deaths across 20 countries in Western Europe.

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For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine; got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”

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The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”

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ONE-LINERS: THINGS TO WONDER ABOUT…

You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.

There’s just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

I read the newspaper every day just to see if there’s anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?

Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn’t the city fill in a few potholes?

Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they’re holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

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pic of the day:

duck picture

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

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My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

“I have to ask you to move your car,” my husband told him.

“Oh, sure. Is it in someone’s way?”

“No,” he replied, “it’s parked at the wrong address.”

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The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: DUCK

~There are 3,473 people in the U.S. listed on whitepages.com with the last name ‘Duck’. Are you one of them?

~All of the Peking (Pekin) ducks in the U.S. are descended from 9 ducks imported to Long Island, New York in 1873. (also called Long Island duckling)

~There are about 24 million ducks raised each year in the U.S., and Maple Leaf Farms in California, Wisconsin and Indiana produce almost 2/3rds of them.

~ Three major duckling breeds available in the United States: White Pekin, Muscovy, and Moulard.

~National consumption increased by 21.3 percent between 1995 and 2000—a percentage increase that outpaces chicken and turkey

~Most people think about turkey for Thanksgiving, but in Stuttgart, Arkansas, the World Championship Duck Calling Contest takes place Thanksgiving week.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W. C. Fields

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down. Charles F. Kettering