Jokes and Trivia for November 23, 2012

If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don’t be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning ‘Good morning’ at total strangers. – Maya Angelou.

TODAY -NOVEMBER 23rd – FRIDAY

328th day of 2012 with 38 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Eat a Cranberry Day

*National Espresso Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1820 Isaac Todhunter, Rye, Sussex, England,  mathematician (books on mathematics and its history (Natural Philosophy for Beginners, Elementary Treatise on Laplace’s, Lame’s and Bessel’s Functions ))
  • 1837 Johannes Diderik van der Waals, Leiden, Netherlands, physicist (Equation of state, intermolecular forces)
  • 1859  Billy The Kid, American frontier outlaw (Lincoln County War)
  • 1887 Boris Karloff, [William H Pratt], Dulwich, England, actor (Frankenstein)
  • 1887 Henry Moseley, Weymouth, Dorset, United Kingdom, physicist (Atomic Number, Moseley’s Law)
  • 1914 Wilson Tucker, Deer Creek, Illinois, author (mystery, action adventure, and science fiction / The Year of the Quiet Sun)
  • 1945 Steve Landesberg, New York City, New York,  actor (Barney Miller )
  • 1951 David Rappaport, London, England, actor (Wizard, Time Bandits)
  • 1973 Trick Daddy, Miami, Florida,  rapper (Finally Famous: Born a Thug, Still a Thug )
  • 1984 Lucas Grabeel, Springfield, Missouri,  actor and singer (High School Musical 1, 2,3 )
  • 1992 Miley Cyrus, Nashville, Tennessee,  actress and singer (movies: Hannah Montana, The Last Song; songs: Party in the U.S.A, Can’t Be Tamed)

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I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. – Confucius

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1644 John Milton publishes Areopagitica, a pamphlet decrying censorship.
  • 1835 First U.S. patent for a horseshoe manufacturing machine was issued to Henry Burden of Troy, New York.
  • 1876 Corrupt Tammany Hall leader William Marcy Tweed (better known as Boss Tweed) is delivered to authorities in New York City after being captured in Spain.
  • 1897 Pencil sharpener patented by J L Love.
  • 1936 First issue of Life, picture magazine created by Henry R. Luce.
  • 1938 First U.S. patent for a lens to provide zoom effects for television cameras issued to F.G. Back.
  • 1959 General Charles de Gaulle, President of France, declares in a speech in Strasbourg his vision for a “Europe, “from the Atlantic to the Urals.”
  • 1963 ”Doctor Who,” the long-running British sci-fi series, debuted in England with first episode titled “An Uneartly Child” (starring William Hartnell as the first Dr. Who).
  • 1979 In Dublin, Ireland, Provisional Irish Republican Army member Thomas McMahon is sentenced to life in prison for the assassination of Lord Mountbatten.
  • 1980 A series of earthquakes in southern Italy kills approximately 4,800 people.
  • 1981 Iran-Contra Affair: Ronald Reagan signs the top secret National Security Decision Directive 17 (NSDD-17), giving the Central Intelligence Agency the authority to recruit and support Contra rebels in Nicaragua.
  • 1990 The first all woman expedition to the south pole (3 Americans, 1 Japanese and 12 Russians), sets off from Antarctica on the 1st leg of a 70 day, 1287 kilometre ski trek.
  • 2005 Ellen Johnson Sirleaf is elected president of Liberia and becomes the first woman to lead an African country.
  • 2007 MS Explorer, a cruise liner carrying 154 people, sinks in the Antarctic Ocean south of Argentina after hitting an iceberg near the South Shetland Islands. There were no fatalities.
  • 2009 The Maguindanao massacre occurs in Ampatuan, Maguindanao, Mindanao, Philippines.

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A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

“They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

“They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

“At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

“My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

“My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”

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ONE-LINERS: Collected Comments of College Students

– He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.

– Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!

– His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.

– Textbook is confusing … someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.

– This class was a religious experience for me … I had to take it all on faith.

– The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.

– Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.

– Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing – it’s a great stress reliever.

– Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose – spraying in all directions – no way to stop it.

– I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin that I used while doing the problem sets.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I went to a steakhouse for dinner the other night, but something was out of the ordinary. In the middle of the floor was an open area where the tables and chairs had been removed, and there were two hooks attached to the ceiling. Hanging from one hook was a large T-bone, and on the other hook was a twelve-ounce sirloin.

I asked the waitress what this was about.

“We’re having a contest tonight. You stand under the hooks, jump straight up and try to grab the meat. If you make it, you get your dinner for free. If you don’t, you have to pay double. Whaddaya say, you wanna give it a try?”

I pondered this a moment before I replied, “No way! steaks are too high.”

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A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly – it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. “Excuse me,” the traveler said. “I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?”

The farmer smiled. “Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He’s the finest pig a man could ever hope to have – and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That’s a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year.

“There’s another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out.

“There is no question about it – that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily.”

“Why,” the traveler said, “this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?”

The farmer laughed and said, “Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him all at one time!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: ESPRESSO

~ Luigi Bezzera created the very first espresso machine in the early 1900s – the only way he found out to decrease his workers coffee break time.

~Developed in Milan, Italy, the first espresso machine was built by Bezzera, the owner of a manufacturing business who decided that making a quicker pot of coffee was the perfect way to increase his employees’ productivity.

~Espresso makers as known today were introduced in 1947 when Gaggia offered the Gaggia Crème Caffe machine for commercial use.

~It was the first machine to force pressurized water through a bed of coffee that produced consistent results, and was easy to use and reasonably priced for café owners.

~ Espresso is not any certain bean or type of roast; an espresso can be made from the same coffee beans that go into a regular drip machine.

~Companies in the United States such as Starbucks use darker roast beans in espresso drinks, but a medium roast is commonly used in northern Italy.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor – Jennifer Jones.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

My definition of happiness is having something to do what you love to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to. Mary Kay Ash