Jokes and Trivia for February 14, 2013

To reach a port, we must sail—Sail, not tie at anchor—Sail, not drift. – Franklin Roosevelt

TODAY – FEBRUARY 14th – THURSDAY

45th day of 2013 with 320 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Valentine’s Day

*Ferris Wheel Day

*National Organ Donor Day

*Read to Your Child Day

*National Cream-Filled Chocolates Day

*Statehood Day in Arizona and Oregon

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1468 Johann Werner, Nuremberg, Germany, mathematician, primary work was in astronomy, mathematics, and geography, although he was also considered a skilled instrument maker
  • 1793 Sir Goldsworthy Gurney, English inventor who built technically successful steam carriages a half century before the advent of the gasoline-powered automobile
  • 1819 Christopher Sholes, Mooresburg, Pennsylvania, inventor, invented the first practical typewriter and the QWERTY keyboard still in use today
  • 1838 Margaret E. Knight, York, Maine,  inventor, has been called “the most famous 19th-century woman inventor” (invented machine to make brown paper shopping bags, numbering machine, window frame and sash)
  • 1859 George Washington Gale Ferris, Jr., Galesburg, Illinois,  engineer and inventor (most famous for creating the original Ferris Wheel for the 1893 Chicago World’s Columbian Exposition)
  • 1869 Charles Wilson, Midlothian, Scotlandm,  physicist, invented  the cloud chamber
  • 1877 Greenleaf Whittier Pickard, Portland, Maine, electrical engineer whose invention of the crystal detector was one of the first devices widely used for receiving radio broadcasts (a key component, until superseded by the triode vacuum tube, and later the transistor)
  • 1894 Jack Benny, [Benjamin Kubelski], Waukegan, Illnois, actor and comedian
  • 1913 Woody Hayes, Clifton, Ohio, college football coach (3 national titles; 13 Big Ten championships in 28 years at The Ohio State University)
  • 1934 Florence Henderson, Dale, Indiana, actress/singer (Carol-Brady Bunch); on 11th season of Dancing with The Stars
  • 1942 Andrew Robinson, New York City, New York, actor (Elim Garak – ST: DS9; Scorpio – Dirty Harry)
  • 1948 Teller, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, magician (Penn and Teller)
  • 1955 James Eckhouse, Chicago, Illinois,  actor (Beverly Hills, 90210 )
  • 1970 Simon Pegg, Brockworth, Gloucestershire, UK,  comedian and actor (Shaun of the Dead, Hot FuzzMission Impossible III, ‘Scotty’ in 2009 Star Trek film )
  • 1986 Tiffany Thornton, College Station, Texas, actress (Sonny with a Chance )
  • 1987 Joseph Pichler, Bremerton, Washington, actor (Children on Their Birthdays)
  • 1994 Paul Butcher, Los Angeles, California, actor (Zoey 101)

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The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen. – Frank Loyd Wright

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1803 Chief Justice John Marshall declares that any act of U.S. Congress that conflicts with the Constitution is void.
  • 1803 Apple parer patented by Moses Coats, Downington, Pennsylvania.
  • 1804 Karadjordje leads the First Serbian Uprising against the Ottoman Empire.
  • 1835 The original Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is formed in Kirtland, Ohio.
  • 1849 In New York City, James Knox Polk becomes the first serving President of the United States to have his photograph taken.
  • 1855 Texas is linked by telegraph to the rest of the United States, with the completion of a connection between New Orleans and Marshall, Texas.
  • 1859 Oregon is admitted as the 33rd U.S. state.
  • 1876 Alexander Graham Bell applies for a patent for the telephone, as does Elisha Gray.
  • 1899 Voting machines are approved by the U.S. Congress for use in federal elections.
  • 1903 The United States Department of Commerce and Labor is established (later split into Department of Commerce and Department of Labor).
  • 1912 Arizona is admitted as the 48th U.S. state.
  • 1912 In Groton, Connecticut, the first diesel-powered submarine is commissioned.
  • 1920 The League of Women Voters is founded in Chicago, Illinois.
  • 1924 The International Business Machines Corporation (IBM) is founded by Thomas Watson.
  • 1929 Saint Valentine’s Day massacre: Seven people, six of them gangster rivals of Al Capone’s gang, are murdered in Chicago, Illinois.
  • 1945 President Franklin D. Roosevelt meets with King Ibn Saud of Saudi Arabia aboard the USS Quincy, officially starting the U.S.-Saudi diplomatic relationship.
  • 1961 Element 103, Lawrencium, is first synthesized at the University of California.
  • 1962 First lady Jacqueline Kennedy conducts White House tour on TV.
  • 1983 United American Bank of Knoxville, Tennessee collapses. Its president, Jake Butcher is later convicted of fraud.
  • 2005 Seven people are killed and 151 wounded in a series of bombings by suspected Al-Qaeda-linked militants that hit the Philippines’ Makati financial district in Metro Manila, Davao City, and General Santos City.
  • 2008 Northern Illinois University shooting: a gunman opened fire in a lecture hall of the DeKalb County, Illinois university resulting in 6 fatalities (including gunman) and 18 injuries.

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Ole and Lena lived by a big lake in Nordern Minnesota. It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over. Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his beer, she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

… and THEY say Minnesotans aren’t romantic!!

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The pastor told his congregation that the church needed money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates had been passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he shared his joy with the congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the altar. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and … him!”

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ONE-LINERS: MORE SIGNS FOUND IN THE KITCHEN

1. Apology…Although you’ll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even worse.

2. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

3. If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.

4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

5. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

6. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

7. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

8. Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.

9. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.  …and the best one of them all…

10. My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

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pic of the day:

Happy Valentines Day!

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

VALENTINE’S GROANERS
Q.  What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A.  Stick with me and we’ll go places!
Q.  What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A.  Hog and kisses!
Q.  Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A.  Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
Q.  What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A.  “I’m sweet on you!”
Q.  What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A.  “I find you very attractive.”
Q.  What did one pickle say to the other?
A.  “You mean a great dill to me.”
Q.  What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A.  “I love you a ton!”
Q.  What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A.  “You’re fun to hang around with.”
Q.  Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A.  He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Q.  What did the pencil say to the paper?
A.  “I dot my i’s on you!”
Q.  What did one light bulb say to the other?
A.  “I love you a whole watt!”
Q.  What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A.  Ughs and kisses!

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One day David went to an auction. While he was there, he bid for a parrot. David really wanted this bird, so he got caught up and thoroughly involved in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he had bid much more than he had intended, David won the bid; the parrot was his at last.

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry.” said the auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

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Little Joann made tea for her mother. As Mom was sipping her tea she asked idly, “Was it hard to find the tea strainer in the kitchen?”

“I couldn’t find it, Ma.”

“What did you do? The tea is very nicely strained.”

“I used the fly swatter.”

Her mother nearly fainted, so Joann hastily added, “Don’t get upset! I used the old one!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: You were not a kid when you did not ride a FERRIS WHEEL

~The original Ferris wheel was first displayed at the 1893 World’s Fair in Chicago.

~ You want to know who the inventor was? Its inventor was George Washington Gale Ferris Jr., a Pittsburgh-based bridge-builder.

~ One revolution took 10 minutes.

~On November 22, 1893, three years after his invention debuted, Ferris Jr. died of tuberculosis

~How high was the first Ferris Wheel? The first Ferris Wheel was 264 feet high. The Ferris Wheel on our Midway is a Wisdom mount – Eli Hy 5 Model. It stands 46’ high.

How many riders could go on it at once? The original Ferris wheel could carry 60 passengers in each of the 36 cars, for a total capacity of 2160 passengers per rotation.

~How much did it cost to ride it? You could ride the first Ferris Wheel for only 50 cents.

~The largest wheel today The Star of Nanchang, stands 541 Feet high, twice the height of the original Ferris Wheel.

~How much did it cost to build the first Ferris Wheel? $380,000 in 1893. By today’s value that would be the equivalent of $8,223,266.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Good people are good because they’ve come to wisdom through failure. – William Saroyan

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one. – Elbert Hubbard