Jokes and Trivia for January 16, 2013

The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision. Helen Keller

TODAY – JANUARY 16th – WEDNESDAY

16th day of 2013 with 349 to  follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday, celebrated on the third Monday

*National Nothing Day

*National Fig Newton Day

*International Hot & Spicy Food Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1821 John C. Breckinridge, Lexington, Kentucky, lawyer and politician; 14th Vice President of the U.S. (youngest vice president in U.S. history, inaugurated at age 36) and Confederate general.
  • 1853 André Michelin, French industrialist (founded the Michelin Tyre Company)
  • 1875 Leonor Michaelis, Berlin, Germany, enzyme kinetic theorist (worked with Maud Menten on enzyme kinetics and Michaelis-Menten kinetics in 1913)
  • 1878 Harry Carey, The Bronx, New York, silent film actor (Western films as Cheyenne Harry)
  • 1886 John Hamilton, Shippensburg, Pennsylvania, actor (Perry White on 1950s t.v. program: Adventures of Superman)
  • 1901 Frank Zamboni, Eureka, Utah, inventor, most famous invention is the modern ice resurfacer
  • 1908 Ethel Merman, Queens, New York, actress and singer (I Got Rhythm, Anything Goes, There’s No Business Like Show Business)
  • 1910 Dizzy Dean, Lucas, Arkansas, baseball player (National League pitcher: won 30 games in one season, sports commentator)
  • 1917 Carl Karcher, Upper Sandusky, Ohio, founded the Carl’s Jr. hamburger chain
  • 1918 Stirling Silliphant, Detroit, Michigan, writer (screenplay for In the Heat of the Night)
  • 1923 Anthony Hecht, New York City, New York, poet (one of the inventors of double dactyl, a form of light verse)
  • 1928 William Kennedy, Albany, New York, author (The Ink Truck, Legs, Billy Phelan’s Greatest Game )
  • 1931 Robert L. Park, Kansas City, Missouri physicist (critical commentaries on alternative medicine and pseudoscience, as well as his criticism of how legitimate science is distorted or ignored by the media, some scientists, and public policy advocates as expressed in his book Voodoo Science)
  • 1932 Dian Fossey, San Francisco, California, zoologist (studied gorilla groups for 18 years in Rwanda)
  • 1934 Marilyn Horne, Bradford, Pennsylvania, opera singer (mezzo-soprano: Wozzeck, Love, Look Away in Flower Drum Song)
  • 1935 A.J. Foyt, Houston, Texas, race car driver and team owner
  • 1944 Jim Stafford, Eloise, Florida, singer and songwriter, prominent in the 1970s (Spiders & Snakes)
  • 1946 Ronnie Milsap, Robbinsville, North Carolina, singer and songwriter (country music, 6 Grammy awards and 40 #1 country hits)
  • 1947 Laura Schlessinger, Brooklyn, New York, radio talk show host (conservative, The Dr. Laura Program)
  • 1950 Robert Schimmel, The Bronx, New York, Comedian, best known for his comedy albums and his appearances on HBO and The Howard Stern Show
  • 1952 L. Blaine Hammond, Savannah, Georgia, NASA astronaut (pilot of Discovery for STS-39, STS-64)
  • 1955 Jerry M. Linenger, East Detroit, Michigan,NASA astronaut / medical doctor (STS-64, STS-81, Mir, STS-84)
  • 1962 Tracey Moore, Calgary, Alberta, Canada, voice actress (Princess Toadstool in The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario World)
  • 1962 Denis O’Hare, Kansas City, Missouri, Irish-American actor (Sweet Charity, True Blood, Charlie Wilson’s War, American Horror Story)
  • 1968 David Chokachi, Plymouth, Massachussetts, actor (Baywatch, Witchblade, Beyond the Break)
  • 1972 Richard T. Jones, Kobe, Japan, American actor (What’s Love Got To Do With It, Event Horizon, Judging Amy, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles)
  • 1979 Aaliyah, Brooklyn, New York City, R&B singer/actress
  • 1989 Yvonne Zima, Phillipsburg, New Jersey, actress (Daisy Carter on The Young and the Restless)

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Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was. Richard L. Evans

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 27 BC  Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus is granted the title Augustus by the Roman Senate, marking the beginning of the Roman Empire.
  • 1581 The English Parliament outlaws Roman Catholicism.
  • 1605 The first edition of El ingenioso hidalgo Don Quijote de la Mancha (Book One of Don Quixote) by Miguel de Cervantes is published in Madrid, Spain.
  • 1786 The Commonwealth of Virginia enacted the Statute for Religious Freedom authored by Thomas Jefferson.
  • 1883 The Pendleton Civil Service Reform Act, establishing the United States Civil Service, is passed.
  • 1900 The United States Senate accepts the Anglo-German treaty of 1899 in which the United Kingdom renounces its claims to the Samoan islands.
  • 1909 Ernest Shackleton’s expedition finds the magnetic South Pole.
  • 1919 Temperance movement: The United States ratifies the Eighteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution, authorizing Prohibition in the United States one year after ratification.
  • 1920 The League of Nations holds its first council meeting in Paris, France.
  • 1945 Adolf Hitler moves into his underground bunker, the so-called Führerbunker.
  • 1956 President Gamal Abdal Nasser of Egypt vows to reconquer Palestine.
  • 1968 The Youth International Party is founded.
  • 1969 Czech student Jan Palach commits suicide by self-immolation in Prague, in protest against the Soviets’ crushing of the Prague Spring the year before.
  • 1969 Soviet spacecraft Soyuz 4 and Soyuz 5 perform the first-ever docking of manned spacecraft in orbit, the first-ever transfer of crew from one space vehicle to another, and the only time such a transfer was accomplished with a space walk.
  • 1970 Buckminster Fuller receives the Gold Medal award from the American Institute of Architects.
  • 1986 First meeting of the Internet Engineering Task Force.
  • 2001 US President Bill Clinton awards former President Theodore Roosevelt a posthumous Medal of Honor for his service in the Spanish-American War.

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A hospital posted a notice in the nurses’ mess saying:

“Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.”

Underneath, a nurse had written:

“The last five are pretty risky, too.”

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This technician’s company uses satellite communications to send and receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers. Each day, by 2 p.m., the tugboats send data on the day’s activities to the company’s traffic department.

At least that’s how it’s supposed to work.

“I got a call from our traffic department saying they only got data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?” technician says.

He calls the satellite company, but the technician there says there’s no problem on his end.

Meanwhile, the traffic department calls again — they’re still not getting messages from the missing boats.

“So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came through,” says our tech. “The problem apparently cleared itself up.”

But he isn’t quite satisfied. “I called the satellite company back to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred.”

Satellite company’s technician doesn’t know what happened and doesn’t have any way of finding out. “In order to track the messages, we would need an identification number from the message,” he tells our tech.

We could find out those numbers eventually, he figures.

“Also, the identification numbers are recycled every half hour,” tech continues.

“So I need to get you the identification number within that time?” he asks.

“Right”, says the satellite tech.

“So to summarize,” says our tech glumly, “we need to give you the identification numbers of the messages we haven’t received, within half an hour of not receiving them?”

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ONE-LINERS: THINGS TO WONDER ABOUT…

Isn’t it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can’t think.

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pic of the day: Icy Fields

picture of icy weeds in fields

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

“What did you do that for?” Asked a passing giraffe.

“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.”

“Wow, what a memory” commented the giraffe.

“Yes,” said the elephant, “turtle recall”.

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My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

“I have to ask you to move your car,” my husband told him.

“Oh, sure. Is it in someone’s way?”

“No,” he replied, “it’s parked at the wrong address.”

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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

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Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug. “I’m so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he’s been promising to do!”

His grandmother was curious. “What trick is that, sweetie?”

The little guy grinned at her. “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: FIG NEWTON

~Charles M. Roser won fame for creating the Fig Newton recipe before selling it to the Kennedy Biscuit Works (later called Nabisco).

~ He was a cookie maker born in Ohio.

~ What is A Fig Newton? It is a soft cookie filled with fig jam.

~A machine invented in 1891 made the mass production of Fig Newtons possible.

~Who invented the machine? James Henry Mitchell invented a machine which worked like a funnel within a funnel; the inside funnel supplied jam, while the outside funnel pumped out the dough, this produced an endless length of filled cookie, that was then cut into smaller pieces

~Originally, the Fig Newton was just called the Newton.

~There was a humor that the cookies were named after that great physicist, Sir Isaac Newton.

~The cookies were named after the Massachusetts town of Newton, which was close to Kennedy Biscuits. Kennedy Biscuits had a tradition of naming cookies and crackers after the surrounding towns near Boston.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh – George Bernard Shaw

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” – Dale Carnegie