Jokes and Trivia for December 27, 2012

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. – Kahlil Gibran

TODAY – DECEMBER 27th – THURSDAY

362nd day of 2012 with 4 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Fruit Cake Day

*Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day

*St. Stephen’s Day (Eastern Orthodox)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1571 Johannes Kepler, German astronomer / inventor (eponymous laws of planetary motion, Keplerian telescope)
  • 1654 Jacob Bernoulli, Swiss mathematician (separable differential equations; The Art of Conjecture – Bernoulli numbers)
  • 1773 George Cayley, Scarborough, Yorkshire, England, scientist, inventor, and politician (one of the most important people in the history of aeronautics)
  • 1822 Louis Pasteur, French scientist (one of the most important founders of medical microbiology; created rabies & anthrax vaccines; invented pasteurization)
  • 1896 Louis Bromfield, Lucas, Ohio, writer (pioneering innovative scientific farming concepts)
  • 1939 John Amos, Newark, New Jersey, actor (The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Good Times, Roots, The West Wing )
  • 1950 Terry Bozzio, San Francisco, California, drummer (Missing Persons)
  • 1952 Karla Bonoff, Santa Monica, California, singer and songwriter
  • 1952 Tovah Feldshuh, New York City, New York, actress
  • 1957 Jerry Gaskill, Bridgeton, NJ, American musician (King’s X)
  • 1957 Greg Mortensen, St. Cloud, Minnesota, author (Stones into Schools: Promoting Peace with Books, Not Bombs, in Afghanistan and Pakistan )
  • 1958 Barbara Crampton, Levittown, New York, actress (The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, “Scream Queen”: Re-Animator, Castle Freak, Cold Harvest, You’re Next, The Lords of Salem)
  • 1972Thomas Wilson Brown, Lusk, Wyoming, actor (Beverly Hills, 90210)
  • 1975 Heather O’Rourke, San Diego, California, actress (Poltergeist, Happy Days, Massarati and the Brain)
  • 1976 Aaron Stanford, Westford, Massachusetts, actor (X-Men: The Last Stand, The Hills Have Eyes )
  • 1988 Hayley Williams, Meridian, Mississippi, singer (Paramore)
  • 1991 Chloe Bridges, Louisiana, actress (Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam, Legally Blondes, Forget Me Not )

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That which is striking and beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful. – Ninon de L’Enclos

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1814 Destruction of schooner Carolina, the last of Commodore Daniel Patterson’s make-shift fleet that fought a series of delaying actions that contributed to Andrew Jackson’s victory at the Battle of New Orleans.
  • 1831 Charles Darwin embarks on his journey aboard the HMS Beagle, during which he will begin to formulate the theory of evolution.
  • 1836 The worst ever avalanche in England occurs at Lewes, Sussex, killing 8 people.
  • 1845 Ether anesthetic is used for childbirth for the first time by Dr. Crawford Williamson Long in Jefferson, Georgia.
  • 1927 The first true American musical, Show Boat, opens at the Ziegfeld Theatre on Broadway.
  • 1932 Radio City Music Hall opened in New York City.
  • 1966 The largest known cave shaft in the world, the Cave of Swallows, is discovered in Aquismón, San Luis Potosí, Mexico.
  • 1968 Apollo 8 splashes down in the Pacific Ocean, ending the first orbital manned mission to the Moon.
  • 1978 Spain becomes a democracy after 40 years of dictatorship.
  • 2004 Radiation from an explosion on the magnetar SGR 1806-20 reaches Earth. It is the brightest extrasolar event known to have been witnessed on the planet.
  • 2007 Former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto is assassinated in a shooting incident.
  • 2008 Israel launches 3-week operation on Gaza – Operation Cast Lead

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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”

The third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

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ONE-LINERS: 15 Surprise Features on the iPhone (G)

15 iBank app tracks how many organs you’ll need to sell to pay off the cost of it.

14 Keeps popping up messages give you the address of someone named Sara Conner.

13 Reassurance Generator application continually reminds you that you are indeed smarter *and* cooler than a Windows user.

12 Continuous GPS monitoring of Paris Hilton.

11 When the new iPhone model comes out in four months, you can put the present one under the short leg of a table to make it perfectly level.

10 Renders certain other hand-held devices inoperable with “Blackberry Jam” feature.

9 Flipped upside down, it doubles as a Fleshlight.

8 Plus: Beatles ringtones put money in Paul McCartney’s pocket.
    Minus: Beatles ringtones put money in Yoko Ono’s pocket.

7 Tghe toiuchsxcreenb keytpadf isd reaslklyt accuyraterf abnd eadsy toi usre.

6 Comes pre-loaded with naked pictures of Peter Jackson, Kevin Smith and the cast of “Star Trek: The Next Generation.”

5 iEyeMe feature provides a separate hand-held mirror so you can admire yourself using your iPhone, you groovy geek, you!

4 Everyone invited to come to Steve Jobs’ compound for free Kool-Aid. Or else.

3 For some reason, calls made with the new iVideoPhone feature always show a close-up of the calling party’s inner ear.

2 Comes with a trophy stand so it’ll look great next to your CB radio, quadrophonic 8-track and laser disc player next year.

#1 Surprise Feature of the iPhone…

1 Automatically dials 911 whenever those mean PC bullies kick your dweeby rear.

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pic of the day: Llama eating greenery in winter landscape…

picture of llama

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven…)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,”Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Ax and Two 38’s!”

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Michael and Peter went on a fishing trip. They hired all the equipment: the reels, the rods, bait, wading boots, rowing boat, the car and even a log cabin in the woods. No expense was spared for their  yearly expedition.

On the  first day they went fishing they didn’t catch a thing. The same thing happened on the second day, and on the third day. It continued like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Michael caught a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. Peter turns to his friend, Michael, and says, “Do you realise that this one pathetic fish we have caught cost us £900?”

Michael replies with a jaundiced smile, ” Crikey, it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

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A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, ‘PULL OVER! ‘

‘NO, ‘the young lady yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF! ‘

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Fruitcakes

~Claxton, Georgia, is known as the Fruitcake Capital of the World.

~“A geological homemade cake.” Charles Dickens, ‘Martin Chuzzlewit’

~ 38% said they gave fruit cake away, 28% actually ate it, 13% used it as a doorstop, 9% scattered it for the birds, 4% threw it out

~This type of cake has an extraordinarily long shelf life due to the alcohol preservatives it contains.

~Fruitcakes are like fine wine. They get better with age.

~Fruitcake can save your life.One of the reasons fruitcakes were treasured throughout our history was because they were an efficient way to preserve food for long journeys and bitter winters.

~Do you believe Fruitcake can tell your fortune? But only if you are female, single, and sleep with a piece of it under your pillow after you go to a wedding.  If you are and you do, you will dream about your future husband.

~Fruitcake is more than just fruity. In order to be a proper fruitcake, it must contain nuts and the standard red and green candied fruits and it must be soaked in some kind of alcohol like rum or brandy.

~Fruitcake is the gift that keeps on giving.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The only things we keep permanently are those we give away.  – Waite Phillips

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.” – Ray Kroc