Jokes and Trivia for January 3, 2013

Keep your feet on the ground and your thoughts at lofty heights. – Peace Pilgrim

TODAY – JANUARY 3rd – THURSDAY

3rd day of 2013 with 363 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Festival of Sleep Day

* Fruitcake Toss Day

* Humiliation Day (NOT a day to humiliate someone, but to recognize that it is a bad thing to do!)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 0106 -BC- Marcus Tullius Cicero, Rome, Italy, statesman/author/philosopher (Academica)
  • 1733 Sir Richard Arkwright, Preston, Lancashire, England, industrialist and inventor (invented the spinning frame)
  • 1793 Lucretia Coffin Mott, Nantucket, Maine, teacher, Quaker minister, abolitionist, women’s rights activist
  • 1879 Grace Anna Goodhue Coolidge, Burlington, Vermont, First lady (1923-29), teacher for the deaf (voted 1 of America’s twelve greatest living women in 1931)
  • 1880 Francis Browne, Irish photographer (most well known photos of the RMS Titanic, passengers & crew before it sank in 1912)
  • 1892 J. R. R. Tolkien, British (born in S. Africa), author (The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion)
  • 1909 Victor Borge, Copenhagen, Denmark, pianist/comedian
  • 1930 Robert Loggia, Staten Island, New York, actor (Officer & a Gentleman, T.H.E. Cat, Mancuso FBI)
  • 1945 Stephen Stills, Dallas, Texas, musician (Buffalo Springfield and Crosby, Stills & Nash (and Young))
  • 1950 Victoria Principal, Fukuoka, Japan, American actress (Dallas )
  • 1956 Mel Gibson, Peekskill, New York, American-Australian actor and director
  • 1962 Francesca Lia Block, Los Angeles, California, author of many young adult books (Weetzie Bat series)
  • 1965 Steven A. LaChance, St. Louis, Missouri, author (The Uninvited: The True Story of the Union Screaming House )
  • 1972 Nichole Nordeman, Dallas, Texas, singer (“Beautiful For Me” / “Veggie Tale’s Sweetpea Beauty )
  • 1975 Jason Marsden, Providence, Rhode Island, actor (Locker 13, Batman: The Brave and the Bold )
  • 1975 Danica McKellar, La Jolla, California, actress (The Wonder Years)
  • 1977 Michelle Stephenson, Abingdon, Oxfordshire, England, singer (Spice Girls)
  • 1989 Alex D. Linz, Santa Barbara, California, actor (Home Alone 3 and Max Keeble’s Big Move )

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Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. – Mark Twain

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1431 Joan of Arc is handed over to the Bishop Pierre Cauchon.
  • 1496 Leonardo da Vinci unsuccessfully tests a flying machine.
  • 1521 Pope Leo X excommunicates Martin Luther in the papal bull Decet Romanum Pontificem.
  • 1749 Benning Wentworth issues the first of the New Hampshire Grants, leading to the establishment of Vermont.
  • 1777 American general George Washington defeats British general Charles Cornwallis at the Battle of Princeton.
  • 1871 Henry W. Bradley patents oleomargarine, “a compound for culinary use”.
  • 1888 First wax drinking straw patented, by Marvin C Stone in Washington DC, along with spiral winding tube-making process.
  • 1921 Turkey makes peace with Armenia.
  • 1924 British Egyptologist Howard Carter finds sarcophagus of Tutankhamen in the Valley of the Kings, near Luxor, Egypt.
  • 1933 Minnie D. Craig becomes the first female elected as Speaker of the North Dakota House of Representatives, the first female to hold a Speaker position anywhere in the United States.
  • 1938 The March of Dimes is established by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
  • 1947 Proceedings of the U.S. Congress are televised for the first time.
  • 1953 Frances Bolton and her son, Oliver from Ohio, become the first mother and son to serve simultaneously in the U.S. Congress.
  • 1959 Alaska is admitted as the 49th U.S. State.
  • 1977 Apple Computer incorporated.
  • 1987 Aretha Franklin becomes the first woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
  • 1993 In Moscow, George H. W. Bush and Boris Yeltsin sign the second Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START).

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A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. “Ma’am, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road?”

The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and suddenly saw there was a tree right in front of me! I swerved to the left and wouldn’t you know it, there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was still another one, again right in front of me!”

Not smelling any telltale signs on her breath, the officer put another aspect of his training to work. He reached past her blonde head to her rear-view mirror and pulled off the item hanging from it. “Ma’am,” he says patiently, “that was your air freshener.”

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NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?  Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world’s largest ball of twine.
~ Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home–eat out more.
~ Don’t have eight children at once.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.
~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
~ Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Don’t believe politicians.
~ Break at least one traffic law.
~ Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
~ Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about faults.
~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

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ONE-LINERS: Places I’d Rather Not Live

– Paradox, New York

– Crapo, Maryland

– Boogertown, North Carolina

– Spasticville, Kansas

– Hellhole, Idaho

– Purgatory, Maine

– Girdletree, Maryland

– Rabbithash, Kentucky

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pic of the day:

picture of white dog 

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: Who was the most foul-mouthed movie character of all time?
A: R2D2 – they beeped out every word he said.

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Pessimist: Someone who feels badly when he feels good
for fear he’ll feel worse when he feels better

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** Top Ten Totally Wrong Predictions **

1) What looks like a permanently high plateau. – Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, USA, October 16, 1929.

2) King George 111 said in 1773, that the American colonies had little stomach for revolution. UK

3) Louis Pasteur�s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. – Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, France 1872. 

4) Airplanes are interesting toys, but they have no military value. – Marshal Ferdinand Foch, France, in 1911. [He may have been wrong in this case but at the Treaty of Versailles, 1919, which ended the 1st World War, he said accurately, �This is not a peace, it is only an armistice for the next 20 years.� The 2nd World War broke out in 1939.

5) It will be years – not in my time – before a woman will become Prime Minister.- Margaret Thatcher, 1974 [Prime Minister, UK, 1979-1990]

6) It doesn’t matter what he does, he will never amount to anything.- Albert Einstein�s teacher to his father, 1895.

7) Theoretically, television may be feasible, but I consider it an impossibility; a development which we should waste little time dreaming about. – Lee de Forest, 1926, inventor of the cathode ray tube.

8) In 1939, The New York Times said the problem of TV was that people had to glue their eyes to a screen, and that the average American wouldn�t have time for it.

9) I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won�t last out the year. – Editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

10) We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. – Decca Recording Company. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

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“Oh, doctor,” he said, “my wife thinks she’s a chicken.”
The doctor gasped, “That’s terrible. How long has she been like that?
The husband replied, “Three years.”
The doctor was horrified, “Three years! Why didn’t you bring her to me sooner?”
The husband said sheepishly, “Because we needed the eggs.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What you did not know about FRUITCAKES

~The history of fruit cake can be traced, by most accounts, to the ancient Romans.

~In the early 18th century it is known as plum cake.

~From 1837 to the turn of the century, fruit cake was very popular in England and always had a place on the high tea table.

~In the United States, fruit cakes are popular items to send soldiers, and in 2006, Americans mailed 2,952 pounds of fruit cake to soldiers stationed in Iraq, according to the Christian Science Monitor.

~Every year in January, the Colorado town of Manitou Springs hosts the Great Fruitcake Toss.

~Snacked on by Crusaders. Even Crusaders knew that fruitcakes could withstand a long journey.

~ Another fun fact is that fruitcakes were the wedding cake of choice in England. Single female wedding guests would take a piece home and place it under their pillow in hopes of dreaming of the man they would marry.

~Fruitcake: They Get Better with Age

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles – Mignon McLaughlin.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

No dreamer is ever too small; no dream is ever too big. – Anonymous