Jokes and Trivia for April 19, 2013

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem. – Theodore Rubin

TODAY – APRIL 19th – FRIDAY

109th day of 2013 with 256 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* Garlic Day

* National Amaretto Day

* Primrose Day (British holiday; the anniversary of the death of British statesman and prime minister Benjamin Disraeli, 1st Earl of Beaconsfield, on 19 April 1881. The primrose was his favorite flower and Queen Victoria would often send him bunches of them from Windsor and Osborne House. She sent a wreath of primroses to his funeral. On this day Beaconsfield’s statue in Parliament Square, London is decorated with primroses, as is his grave in Hughenden, Buckinghamshire.)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1877 Ole Evinrude, Vardal (now Gjøvik), in Oppland, Norway, Norwegian-American inventor, known for the invention of the first outboard motor with practical commercial application
  • 1903 Eliot Ness, Chicago, Illinois, Prohibition Agent for Department of Treasury, leader of the legendary team of law enforcement agents nicknamed  The Untouchables
  • 1912 Glenn Seaborg, Ishpeming, Michigan, chemist, Nobel for “discoveries in the chemistry of the transuranium elements
  • 1922 Erich Hartmann, German WWII fighter pilot, highest scoring fighter ace in the history of aerial warfare (352 victories)
  • 1930 Dick Sargent, Carmel, California, actor (Darrin on Bewitched)
  • 1933 Jayne Mansfield, Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania, actress (Guide for the Married Man, Girl Can’t Help It, Too Hot to Handle)
  • 1941 Bobby Russell, Nashville, Tennessee,  songwriter (Saturday Morning Confusion)
  • 1947 Mark Volman, Los Angeles California,  musician (The Turtles, The Mothers Of Invention)
  • 1951 Barry Brown, San Jose, California, actor and writer (Peter Bogdanovich’s Daisy Miller)
  • 1962 Al Unser Jr., Albuquerque, New Mexico, Indy-car racer, two-time Indianapolis 500 winner (over 10 wins)
  • 1968 Ashley Judd, Granada Hills, California, actress (Ruby in Paradise, Kiss the Girls, Double Jeopardy, Where the Heart Is ,High Crimes )
  • 1978 James Franco, Palo Alto, California, actor (SpiderMan trilogy, Pineapple Express , Milk, Tristan & Isolde, Flyboys, Date Night, Your Highness, Eat Pray Love )
  • 1979 Kate Hudson, Los Angeles, California, actress (Almost Famous, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days , Raising Helen , The Skeleton Key , You, Me and Dupree , Fool’s Gold, Bride Wars )
  • 1987 Courtland Mead, Mission Viejo, California, actor (Young and the Restless)
  • 1987 Maria Yuryevna Sharapova, Russia, tennis player (22 career titles), named highest paid female athlete in 2008 and 2010

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Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. – Benjamin Spock

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1775 American Revolution begins – Lexington Common, shot “heard round the world”.
  • 1782 John Adams secures the Dutch Republic’s recognition of the United States as an independent government. The house which he had purchased in The Hague, Netherlands becomes the first American embassy.
  • 1810 Venezuela achieves home rule: Vicente Emparan, Governor of the Captaincy General is removed by the people of Caracas and a Junta is installed.
  • 1892 Charles Duryea claims to have driven the first automobile in the United States, in Springfield, Massachusetts.
  • 1919 Leslie Irvin of the United States makes the first successful voluntary free-fall parachute jump using a new kind of self-contained parachute.
  • 1955 The German automaker Volkswagen, after six years of selling cars in the United States, founds Volkswagen of America in Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey to standardize its dealer and service network.
  • 1956 US actress Grace Kelly marries Monaco’s Prince Rainier III (civil ceremony).
  • 1971 Launch of Salyut 1, the first space station.
  • 1971 Charles Manson is sentenced to death for the Sharon Tate murders.
  • 1982 Sally Ride announced as first woman astronaut.
  • 1993 The 51-day siege of the Branch Davidian building outside Waco, Texas, USA, ends when a fire breaks out. Eighty-one people die.
  • 1995 Truck bomb outside Alfred P Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, kills 168 & injures 500.
  • 1997 The Red River Flood overwhelms the city of Grand Forks, North Dakota. Fire breaks out and spreads in downtown Grand Forks, but high water levels hamper efforts to reach the fire, leading to the destruction of 11 buildings.

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Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?

Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?

Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it’s not Sydney.

Contestant: Sydney.

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Anne Robinson: In traffic, what “J” is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius? Contestant: Bombay.

Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant: Crocodiles. Robinson: Wh…? Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen? Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and…? Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

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ONE-LINERS: PRAYERS FROM CHILDREN

Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce

Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

God, I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love Alison

Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene

Dear God, is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita

Dear God,
I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy

Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

Dear God, my grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don’t, who does?
Nathan

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~# When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.

~# Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

~# Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

~# Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~# Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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If we could shrink the earth’s population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this:

There would be:

* 57 Asians
* 21 Europeans
* 14 from the Western Hemisphere,
* 8 Africans,

* 52 would be female
* 48 would be male

* 70 would be non-white
* 30 would be white

* 70 would be non-Christian
* 30 would be Christian

* 95 would be heterosexual
* 5 would be homosexual

* 6 people would own 59% of the world’s wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States

* 80 would live in substandard housing

* 70 would be unable to read

* 50 would suffer from malnutrition

* 1 would be near death
* 1 would be near birth

* 1 would have a college education

* 1 would own a computer

* 0 would play oboe

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement for a National PRAYER and FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: GARLIC

~The psychological term for fear of garlic is alliumphobia.

~The origin of National Garlic Day is unknown and it is not recorded in congressional or presidential proclamations.

~Garlic is said to fight off evil spirits and keep vampires away.

~Tip for those who don’t like the smell of it. (I guess everybody don’t like it.)The smell of garlic can be removed by running your hands under cold water while rubbing a stainless steel object.

~The majority of garlic (90%) grown in the United States comes from California.

~Finally, to tie garlic into Wedding week here on the Sugar Network: at ancient Greek and Roman marriages the brides carried bouquets of garlic and other herbs instead of flowers.

~Garlic is pictured on ancient Egyptian tombs from 3,000 B.C. and is mentioned in the Old Testament, by Herodotus, Aristophanes, Virgil and Dioscorides. It is said to have grown in the left footprints of Satan when he left the Garden of Eden.

~There is an all-garlic restaurant in Stockholm where they offer a garlic cheesecake. What do you think is the taste of it? hmmmm

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. – Lao-Tsu

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

If you are willing to do more than you are paid to do, eventually you will be paid to do more than you do. – unknown via Tina MiModels