Jokes and Trivia for November 5, 2012

Make no small plans for they have no power to stir the soul. – Niccolo Machiavelli

TODAY – NOVEMBER 5th – MONDAY

310th of 2012 with 56 to  follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Gunpowder Day

*Guy Fawkes Day

*Child Safety and Protection Month

*National Peanut Butter Lovers Month

*National Model Railroad Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1854 Paul Sabatier, Carcassonne, France,  chemist (Nobel / Heterogeneous catalysis)
  • 1857 Ida Tarbell, Erie County, Pennsylvania, author & investigative journalist (The History of the Standard Oil Company)
  • 1863 James Packard, Warren, Ohio, engineer & inventor (Founded Packard Automobile Co.)
  • 1893 Raymond Loewy, French-born inventor & design engineer (“Father of Streamlining”, industrial design)
  • 1911 Roy Rogers, Cincinnati, Ohio, singer & cowboy actor (Roy Rogers Show)
  • 1913 John McGiver, NYC, New York, actor (Breakfast at Tiffany’s, The Manchurian Candidate, Midnight Cowboy)
  • 1913 Vivien Leigh, British actress (A Streetcar Named Desire, Gone with the Wind)
  • 1922 Cecil Underwood, Josephs Mills, West Virginia, Republican politician (25th & 32nd Governor of WV)
  • 1936 Michael Dertouzos, Athens, Greece,  computer scientist (co-founded Computek, Inc.)
  • 1941 Art Garfunkel, NYC, New York, singer / actor (Simon & Garfunkel / Catch-22, Carnal Knowledge, Bad Timing)
  • 1949 Armin Shimerman, Lakewood, New Jersey, actor (Quark in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine; Buffy the Vampire Slayer, BioShock, Atlas Shrugged)
  • 1961 Alan G. Poindexter, Pasadena, California, naval officer & NASA astronaut (STS-122, STS-131)
  • 1963 Tatum O’Neal, Los Angeles, California, actress (Nickelodeon, Little Darlings )
  • 1968 Sam Rockwell, Daly City, California,  film actor (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Choke and Moon)
  • 1971 Corin Nemec, Little Rock, Arkansas,  actor (The Stand )
  • 1987 Kevin Jonas, Teaneck, New Jersey,  guitarist (Jonas Brothers)

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Every second you spend thinking about someone else’s dreams you take time away from your own. – Yogi Ramen

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1605 The arrest of Guy Fawkes, found during a search of the Palace of Westminster, foils Robert Catesby’s plot to destroy the House of Lords and all within it.
  • 1831 Nat Turner, American slave leader, is tried, convicted, and sentenced to death in Virginia.
  • 1838 The Federal Republic of Central America begins to disintegrate when Nicaragua separates from the Federation.
  • 1852 American Society of Civil Engineers and Architects founded.
  • 1872 In defiance of the law, suffragist Susan B. Anthony votes for the first time, and is later fined $100.
  • 1895 The first U.S. patent for an automobile is granted to George B. Selden.
  • 1911 After declaring war on the Ottoman Empire on September 29, 1911, Italy annexes Tripoli and Cyrenaica.
  • 1916 The Everett Massacre takes place in Everett, Washington as political differences lead to a shoot-out between the Industrial Workers of the World organizers and local police.
  • 1925 The first “super-spy” of the 20th century, Secret agent Sidney Reilly, is executed by secret police of the Soviet Union (the OGPU).
  • 1937 Adolf Hitler holds a secret meeting and states his plans for acquiring “living space” for the German people.
  • 1943 Bombing of the Vatican.
  • 1945  Colombia joins the United Nations.
  • 1963 Archaeologists found Viking ruins in Newfoundland which predated Columbus by 500 years.
  • 1983 Byford Dolphin diving bell accident kills five and leaves one severely injured.
  • 1986 USS Rentz, USS Reeves and USS Oldendorf visit Qingdao (Tsing Tao) China – the first US Naval visit to China since 1949.
  • 1987 Govan Mbeki is released from custody after serving 24 years of a life sentence for terrorism and treason.
  • 1990 Rabbi Meir Kahane, founder of the far-right Kach movement, is shot dead after a speech at a New York City hotel.
  • 2009 US Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan kills 13 and wounds 29 at Fort Hood, Texas in the deadliest mass shooting at a US military installation.

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I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out roles, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One 5-year-old couldn’t decide, so I said, “Luke, you can be a Villager.”

He said “OK” and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them, “Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!”

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A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Do you have any grapes?”

The bartender says, “No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes.”

“Oh,” says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender, “Do you have any grapes?”

“Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but WE DON’T HAVE GRAPES!” says the bartender.

“Oh,” says the duck and leaves. But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks, “Do you have any grapes?”

“Look, beak lips,” screams the bartender. “WE HAVE NO GRAPES!, we will never have NO grapes! and if you ask me again, I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!”

“Oh,” says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender is furious. He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, “WHAT???!!”

“Uh…uh…do …you …have…any….NAILS?” “Nails? Nails? No, we don’t have nails,” answers the bartender.

“Mmmm,” says the duck. “So, do you have any grapes?”

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ONE-LINERS: Camping Tips

– Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

– A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

– The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

– When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

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pic of the day: Potbellied Pig Eating Acorns

picture of potbellied pig

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.

“Decipher is spelled with a ‘ph’, not an ‘f’,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with word processing program.”

A minute later his reply: “Must be dephective.”

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The wife was driving when their car was pulled over by the Highway Patrol. “Ma’am did you kno you were speeding?”

She was quite deaf, so she turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

“HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.”

“May I see your license?”

“What did he say?”

“HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.”

After reviewing the license the patrolman said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.”

“What did he say?”

“HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.”

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A group of seniors are discussing their aches and pains.

“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee.”

“I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even SEE my coffee.”

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck.”

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy.”

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old.”

“Yes, but thank God we can all still drive!!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Gunpowder

~History of Gunpowder Day : The Gunpowder Conspirators were a group of Catholics who sought to take action against the king. They plotted to blow up the British Houses of Parliament. They planned to do so, when the king and his supporters were in the buildings. Their plot was uncovered on November 5, 1605. Thirty six barrels of gunpowder were found in the basement of Parliament. Guy Fawkes, the leader of the conspiracy, was arrested and tortured until he confessed.

~People in England celebrate Gunpowder Day with fireworks and bonfires.

~Gunpowder was invented by Chinese alchemists in the 9th century. Originally, it was made by mixing elemental sulfur, charcoal, and saltpeter.

~People who made gunpowder would sometimes add water, wine, or another liquid to reduce this hazard, since a single spark could result in a smoky fire.

~Chinese taoist alchemists were the major force behind the early invention of gunpowder.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: God does not play dice with the universe. – Albert Einstein

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

It is your attitude, not your aptitude, that determines your altitude. – Zig Ziglar