Jokes and Trivia for May 28, 2012

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. – Albert Schweitzer

TODAY – MAY 28th – MONDAY

149th day of 2011 with 217 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Memorial Day (U.S.)

*National Hamburger Day (date mostly publicized in radio and news media, bu there are other dates as well)

*Amnesty International Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1836 Alexander Mitscherlich, Oberstdorf, chemist (processing wood to create cellulose)
  • 1858 Carl Rickard Nyberg, Arboga, Sweden, inventor (known for Blowtorch, aeroplanes)
  • 1888 Jim Thorpe/Wa-Tho-Huk, Prague, Oklahoma, pentathlete, decathlete, fotball, baseball and basketball player (considered one of the most versatile athletes of modern sports)
  • 1908 Ian Fleming, English author and Naval intelligence officer (James Bond books & stories)
  • 1931 Carroll Baker, Johnstown, Pennsylvania, actress (Jackpot, Kindergarten Cop, Ironweed, How the West Was Won, The Big Country)
  • 1933 John Karlen, New York City, New York, actor (Dark Shadows )
  • 1941 Beth Howland, Boston, Massachusetts, actress  (Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore)
  • 1942 Stanley B. Prusiner, Des Moines, Iowas, neurologist & biochemist (Nobel / discovered prions)
  • 1944 Gladys Knight, Atlanta, Georgia, R&B and soul singer and actress (14th season of Dancing with the Stars)
  • 1944 Rudy Giuliani, Brooklyn, New York, 107th Mayor of New York City
  • 1947 Sondra Locke, Shelbyville, Tennessee, actress (The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Sudden Impact )
  • 1962 Brandon Cruz, Bakersfield, California, actor (The Courtship of Eddie’s Father)
  • 1962 James Michael Tyler, Winona, Mississippi, actor (Friends )
  • 1970 Glenn Quinn, Irish actor (Roseanne, Angel)
  • 1977 Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Cranston, Rhode Island, contestant on Survivor: The Australian Outback, talk show host (The View)
  • 1979 Jesse Bradford, Norwalk, Connecticut, actor (Presumed Innocent, Bring It On, Swimfan, Flags of Our Fathers)
  • 1985 Colbie Caillat, Newbury Park, California, singer-songwriter

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The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances. – Martha Washington

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 585 BC A solar eclipse occurs, as predicted by Greek philosopher and scientist Thales, while Alyattes is battling Cyaxares in the Battle of the Eclipse, leading to a truce. This is one of the cardinal dates from which other dates can be calculated.
  • 1588 The Spanish Armada, with 130 ships and 30,000 men, sets sail from Lisbon heading for the English Channel. (took until May 30 for all ships to leave port).
  • 1830 President Andrew Jackson signs the Indian Removal Act which relocates Native Americans.
  • 1892 In San Francisco, California, John Muir organizes the Sierra Club.
  • 1930 The Chrysler Building in New York City officially opens.
  • 1934 Near Callander, Ontario, the Dionne quintuplets are born to Oliva and Elzire Dionne; they will be the first quintuplets to survive infancy.
  • 1936 Alan Turing submits On Computable Numbers for publication.
  • 1937 The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, California, is officially opened by President Franklin D. Roosevelt in Washington, D.C., who pushes a button signaling the start of vehicle traffic over the span.
  • 1951 British radio comedy programme The Goon Show was broadcast on BBC for the first time.
  • 1952 The women of Greece are given the right to vote.
  • 1961 Peter Benenson’s article The Forgotten Prisoners is published in several internationally read newspapers. This will later be thought of as the founding of the human rights organization Amnesty International.
  • 1964 The Palestine Liberation Organization is formed.
  • 1975 Fifteen West African countries sign the Treaty of Lagos, creating the Economic Community of West African States.
  • 1996 U.S. President Bill Clinton’s former business partners in the Whitewater land deal, James McDougal and Susan McDougal, and the Governor of Arkansas Jim Guy Tucker, are convicted of fraud.
  • 1998 Nuclear testing: Pakistan responds to a series of nuclear tests by India with five of its own codenamed Chagai-I, prompting the United States, Japan, and other nations to impose economic sanctions. Pakistan celebrates Youm-e-Takbir annually.
  • 1999 In Milan, Italy, after 22 years of restoration work, Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece The Last Supper is put back on display.
  • 2002 The Mars Odyssey finds signs of large ice deposits on the planet Mars.
  • 2003 Peter Hollingworth becomes the first Governor-General of Australia to resign his office as a result of criticism of his conduct.
  • 2008 The first meeting of the Constituent Assembly of Nepal formally declares Nepal a republic, ending the 240-year reign of the Shah dynasty.
  • 2010 In West Bengal, India, a train derailment and subsequent collision kills 141 passengers.

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An elderly woman went to Chicago representing her small church delegation at a religious conference.

After checking into the hotel, she entered the elevator to go to her room. When she looked up, she noticed that there were two incredibly large black men in the elevator next to another mid-size black man. Being from a small town and having never been to the big city, the woman was terrified.

As the elevator door closed and the woman turned around one of the men said (in a strong authoritative voice), “Hit the floor!” The woman froze in horror, ready to drop to the ground.

The woman turned around to face her attackers. At this point the man said, “Which floor, lady!”

When the men realized what she had thought they were doing, they burst out laughing. As she exited the elevator at her correct floor she could still hear them laughing as the elevator ascended upwards.

The next day the woman was checking out of the hotel and asked to see her bill. The hotel clerk handed her the bill. On it was this note. “I have paid your bill with pleasure. You have given me one of the best laughs ever! Signed, Eddie Murphy.”

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ONE-LINERS: Real Signs and Advertisements

– Signs In a clothing store:
“Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

– In the window of an Oregon general store:
“Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?”

– In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”

– On a Tennessee highway:
“Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

– From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:
“If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.”

– On a Maine shop:
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

– On a delicatessen wall:
“Our best is none too good.”
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pic of the day:

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old garage men never die, they just retire.

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can�t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Additional Hamburger facts to chew in!

~Americans eat about 13 billion hamburgers a year. If you put all those burgers
in a straight line, they would circle the earth more than 32 times. WOOOOAAAHH!

~Americans currently spend about $134 billion dollars per year on fast food –
more than they spend on college education, computers, software or new cars. This Is the answer of FOOD vs SCHOOL.

~Meatpacking is one of the most dangerous jobs in the United States. In 2001, the
rate of serious injury was three times higher than that in a typical American
factory.

~A typical fast food hamburger can contain pieces of hundreds, if not thousands
of cattle.

~ Another story behind the hamburger? One of them is Seymour, Wisconsin, which claims that in 1885, one Charlie Nagreen was having trouble selling his meatballs at the Seymour Fair—it was hard for people to eat them as they walked around. So Nagreen flattened the ball of meat and placed the patty between two pieces of bread.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: An excuse is the truth stuffed with a lie.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction. – Rita Mae Brown