Jokes and Trivia for December 21, 2012

The core of mans’ spirit comes from new experiences. – Christopher McCandless

TODAY – DECEMBER 21st – FRIDAY

356th day of 2012 with 10 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Humbug Day

*National Flashlight Day

*Look on the Bright Side Day

*Forefathers’ Day (Plymouth, Massachusetts)

*National Hamburger Day (also on May 28th)

*National French Fried Shrimp Day

*Mumping Day / St. Thomas Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1805 Thomas Graham, Glasgow, Scotland, British chemist (pioneering work in dialysis and the diffusion of gases)
  • 1889 Sewall Wright, Melrose, Massachusetts,  biologist (evolutionary theory and also for his work on path analysis)
  • 1890 Hermann Joseph Muller, New York City, New York, geneticist (Nobel / physiological and genetic effects of radiation (X-ray mutagenesis))
  • 1892 Rebecca West, British book reviewer & author (Black Lamb and Grey Falcon, The Return of the Soldier, The Fountain Overflows)
  • 1935 Phil Donahue, Cleveland, Ohio, talk show host (creator and host of The Phil Donahue Show )
  • 1940 Ray Hildebrand, Joshua, Texas, singer (Paul & Paula)
  • 1942 Carla Thomas, Memphis, Tennessee,  singer (You’ve Got a Cushion To Fall On, Guide Me Well)
  • 1946 Carl Wilson, Hawthorne, California,  musician (The Beach Boys)
  • 1948 Samuel L Jackson, Washington D.C., actor (White Sand, Pulp Fiction, Jurassic Park, Patriot Games, Snakes on a Plane, Nick Fury in Iron Man, Afro Samurai)
  • 1957 Ray Romano, Queens, New York, actor (Ray Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond; Manny in the Ice Age movies)
  • 1959 Florence Griffith Joyner, American sprinter, Olympic gold medalist and 100 m & 200 m world record holder (d. 1998)
  • 1966 Karri Turner, Fort Worth, Texas,  actress (JAG )
  • 1966 Kiefer Sutherland, British-born Canadian actor (Jack Bauer on ’24′, A Few Good Men, Young Guns, The Wild)
  • 1971 Brett Scallions, Brownsville, Tennessee,  singer (Fuel, The X’s)
  • 1978 Mike Vitar, Los Angeles, California,  actor (The Sandlot, D2: The Mighty Ducks and D3: The Mighty Ducks )
  • 1984 Jackson Rathbone, Singapore,  actor (The Twilight Saga, The Last Airbender )

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A mathematical formula for happiness: Reality divided by Expectations. There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality or lower your expectations. ― Jodi Picoult

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1620 William Bradford and the Mayflower Pilgrims land on what is now known as Plymouth Rock in Plymouth, Massachusetts.
  • 1861 Medal of Honor: Public Resolution 82, containing a provision for a Navy Medal of Valor, is signed into law by President Abraham Lincoln.
  • 1872 HMS Challenger, commanded by Captain George Nares, sails from Portsmouth.
  • 1883 The first Permanent Force cavalry and infantry regiments of the Canadian Army are formed: The Royal Canadian Dragoons and The Royal Canadian Regiment.
  • 1913 Arthur Wynne’s “word-cross”, the first crossword puzzle, is published in the New York World.
  • 1937 Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the first full-length animated film, premieres at the Carthay Circle Theater.
  • 1941 World War II: A formal treaty of alliance between Thailand and Japan is signed in the presence of the Emerald Buddha in Wat Phra Kaew.
  • 1962 Rondane National Park is established as Norway’s first national park.
  • 1968 Apollo 8, the first manned mission to the moon, is launched from the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. The crew performs the first ever manned Trans Lunar Injection and become the first humans to leave Earth’s gravity.
  • 1969 The Gay Activists Alliance is formed in New York City.
  • 1992 A Dutch DC-10, flight Martinair MP 495, crashes at Faro Airport, killing 56 people.
  • 1994 Mexican volcano Popocatepetl, dormant for 47 years, erupts gases and ash.
  • 1995 The city of Bethlehem passes from Israeli to Palestinian control.
  • 1999 The Spanish Civil Guard intercepts a van loaded with 950 kg of explosives that ETA intended to use to blow up Torre Picasso in Madrid.

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Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, ‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

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Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ‘My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, ‘Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!’

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ONE-LINERS: End of the World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

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pic of the day: Quince Bush Blooms

 picture of quince blooms

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats. The police don’t have anything to go on.

~Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words

~Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation

~Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

~Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes? She fell on hard tines?

~Why won’t melons get married in Las Vegas?  They cantaloupe.

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“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” protested his nephew.

“I know,” replied the uncle. “That’s exactly what I mean.”

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 Top 10 Signs You’re Not Getting a Christmas Bonus:

10. Today’s newspaper headline is about your firm’s CFO absconding to Rio with his secretary and the company treasury.

9. Co-workers refer to you as “the ghost of unemployment future.”

8. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.

7. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips.

6. What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet”.

5. The Boss’s Christmas card says, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

4. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants.

3. When your boss came to your house for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies.

2. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw.

… and the Number One Sign You’re Not Getting a Christmas Bonus:

1. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word “terrible” appeared 78 times.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Hanukkah, it is about family!

~Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days and nights, starting on the 25th in the month of Kislev on the Hebrew calendar.  Hanukkah falls on a different day each year, anywhere from November to early January on the standard calendar

~Hanukkah was December 8 -16 in 2012.  Next year, it will start on November 27 and end on December 5, 2013.

~The history of Hannukah predates Christmas. More than twenty-one centuries ago, the Holy Land was ruled by the Seleucids (Syrian-Greeks), who sought to forcefully Hellenize the people of Israel. Against all odds, a small band of faithful Jews defeated one of the mightiest armies on earth, drove the Greeks from the land, reclaimed the Holy Temple in Jerusalem and rededicated it.  Hanukkah is a celebration of this victory. In history, Hanukkah has been a minor holiday, only gaining in popularity since the late 1800’s. In Hebrew, the word “Hanukkah” means “dedication.”

~As part of the celebration, children received gelt (Yiddish term for “money”) during each of the eight days in order for them to learn about charity.

~During Hanukkah, Jewish children enjoying playing with a toy called a dreidel, which is similar to a top.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance. – Anonymous

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

You can’t beat experience. – K. Hodgson