Jokes and Trivia for July 3, 2013

“Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.” ― Dave Barry

TODAY – JULY 3rd – WEDNESDAY

184th day of 2013 with 181 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Chocolate Wafer Day

*Eat Beans Day

*Compliment Your Mirror Day

*Disobedience Day

*Stay out of the Sun Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1935 Harrison ‘Jack’ Schmitt, Santa Rita, New Mexico, geologist / retired NASA astronaut / senator (last of astronauts to set foot on the moon – Apollo 17)
  • 1945 Michael Cole, Madison, Wisconsin, actor (The Mod Squad )
  • 1947 Betty Buckley, Big Spring, Texas, actress (Eight is Enough, Carrie, Oz)
  • 1947 Dave Barry, Armonk, New York, author / humor column
  • 1949 Johnnie Wilder, Jr., Dayton, Ohio, singer (Heatwave)
  • 1954 Franny Billingsley, American children’s book author (Well Wished, The Folk Keeper, Big Bad Bunny, Chime)
  • 1956 Montel Williams, Baltimore, Maryland,  talk show host (The Montel Williams Show )
  • 1962 Tom Cruise, Syracuse, New York,  actor (Born on the Fourth of July, Jerry Maguire, Magnolia, Top Gun, Mission: Impossible)
  • 1962 Thomas Gibson, Charleston, South Carolina,  actor (Chicago Hope, Dharma & Greg,  Aaron Hotchner on Criminal Minds)
  • 1970 Audra McDonald, Berlin, Germany,  actress and singer (Ragtime, A Raisin in the Sun)
  • 1970 Shawnee Smith, Orangeburg, South Carolina,  actress (Becker)
  • 1973  Patrick Wilson, Norfolk, Virginia,  actor  (Angels in America )
  • 1976 Andrea Barber, Los Angeles, California,  actress (Full House)

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“You should not confuse your career with your life.” ― Dave Barry

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1775 George Washington takes command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Massachusetts during the American Revolutionary War.
  • 1778 American Revolutionary War: British forces kill 360 people in the Wyoming Valley massacre.
  • 1819 The Bank of Savings in New York City, the first savings bank in the United States, opens.
  • 1839 The first state normal school in the United States, the forerunner to today’s Framingham State College, opens in Lexington, Massachusetts with 3 students.
  • 1844 The last pair of Great Auks is killed.
  • 1852 Congress establishes the United States’ 2nd mint in San Francisco, California.
  • 1884 First stock average published by Dow Jones and Company.
  • 1886 The New York Tribune becomes the first newspaper to use a linotype machine, eliminating typesetting by hand.
  • 1890 Idaho is admitted as the 43rd U.S. state.
  • 1938 World speed record for a steam railway locomotive is set in England, by the Mallard, which reaches a speed of 126 miles per hour (203 km/h).
  • 1938 Eternal Light Peace Memorial dedicated by President Franklin D. Roosevelt as he lights the eternal flame at Gettysburg Battlefield.
  • 1979 U.S. President Jimmy Carter signs the first directive for secret aid to the opponents of the pro-Soviet regime in Kabul.
  • 1988 United States Navy warship USS Vincennes shoots down Iran Air Flight 655 over the Persian Gulf, killing all 290 people aboard.
  • 1988 The Fatih Sultan Mehmet Bridge in Istanbul, Turkey is completed, providing the second connection between the continents of Europe and Asia over the Bosporus.
  • 1994 The deadliest day in Texas traffic history, according to the Texas Department of Public Safety. Forty-six people are killed in crashes.
  • 1996 Stone of Scone (also known as Stone of Destiny) is returned to Scotland.
  • 2001 A Vladivostok Avia Tupolev Tu-154 jetliner crashes on approach to landing at Irkutsk, Russia killing 145 people.
  • 2005 Same-sex marriage in Spain becomes legal.

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In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!”

The wife responded calmly, “Allow me to explain…the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

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A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the toy department. Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour.

“Come on, Son,” the mother pleaded. “I have to get home to get father’s dinner.”

The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success.

Eventually, in desperation they called the store’s psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy’s ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother’s side.

“How did you do it?” the mother asked incredibly. “What did you say to him?”

The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, “All I said was, `If you don’t jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I’ll knock the stuffing out of you!'”

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ONE-LINERS: Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

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The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied.

“You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

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pic of the day: Tiger Lily Blooms

picture of tiger lilies

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them.

The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him — and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers.

Yep! That’s what he gets for snorting quack.

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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St.Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, “1,228.”

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

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Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She’d bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, “Why have bumpers if you’re not going to use them once in a while?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Harrison ‘Jack’ Schmitt!

~Schmitt graduated from Western High School, Silver City, New Mexico; received a bachelor of science degree in science from the California Institute of Technology in 1957; studied at the University of Oslo in Norway during 1957-1958; received doctorate in geology from Harvard University in 1964.

~On his first journey into space, Dr. Schmitt occupied the lunar module pilot seat for Apollo 17 — the last scheduled manned Apollo mission to the United States –which commenced at 11:33 p.m. (CST), December 6, 1972, and concluded on December 19, 1972.

~Dr. Schmitt logged 301 hours and 51 minutes in space — of which 22 hours and 4 minutes were spent in extravehicular activity on the lunar surface.

~He was the twelfth and last man to walk on the Moon, as Apollo 17 crewmate Eugene Cernan exited the Apollo Lunar Module first. However, as Schmitt re-entered the module first, Cernan became the last astronaut to walk on and depart the moon. Schmitt is also the only geologist as well as the only person to have walked on the Moon who was never a member of the United States Armed Forces, although he is not the first civilian, since Neil Armstrong left military service prior to his landing in 1969.

~Schmitt claims to have taken the photograph of the Earth known as The Blue Marble, one of the most widely distributed photographic images in existence. (NASA officially credits the image to the entire Apollo 17 crew.)

~Dr. Schmitt was appointed NASA Assistant Administrator for Energy Programs in May 1974.

~In August of 1975, Dr. Schmitt resigned his post with NASA to run for the United States Senate in his home state of New Mexico. He was elected on November 2, 1976.

~Schmitt wrote a book entitled “Return to the Moon: Exploration, Enterprise, and Energy in the Human Settlement of Space” in 2006.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.” ― Dave Barry

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.” ― Dave Barry

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