Jokes and Trivia for May 31, 2013

Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. – Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

TODAY – MAY 31st – FRIDAY

151st day of 2013 with 214 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Macaroon Day

*Save Your Hearing Day

*World No Tobacco Day

*Speak In Complete Sentences Day

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1162 Genghis Khan, Khagan of the Mongol Empire
  • 1819 Walt Whitman, West Hills, New York, poet (Leaves of Grass)
  • 1894 Fred Allen, Cambridge, Massachusetts, comedian (master ad libber, topically pointed radio show)
  • 1898 Norman Vincent Peale, Bowersville, Ohio, minister and author (Power of Positive Thinking)
  • 1908 Don Ameche, Kenosha, Wisconsin, actor (Cocoon, Trading Places)
  • 1911 Maurice Allais, Paris, France, economist, Nobel Prize laureate for his pioneering contributions to the theory of markets and efficient utilization of resources.”
  • 1930 Clint Eastwood, San Francisco, California, actor (Rawhide, Dirty Harry, Unforgiven, The Outlaw Josey Wales); director (Million Dollar Baby, Gran Tornio)/mayor (Carmel-by-the-Sea, California, 1986-1988)
  • 1931 John Robert Schrieffer, Oak Park, Illinois, physicist (Nobel / BCS theory , the first successful microscopic theory of superconductivity)
  • 1932 Jay Miner, Prescott, Arizona, microchip designer (multimedia chips and as the “father of the Amiga”)
  • 1934 Jim Hutton, Binghamton, New York, actor (Ellery Queen); father of Timothy Hutton (James Bond)
  • 1941 Johnny Paycheck, Greenfield, Ohio, singer (Take This Job & Shove It)
  • 1943 Joe Namath,, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, former NFL quarterback; played college football for University of Alabama under coach “Bear” Bryant; AFL (New York Jets); NFL (Los Angeles Rams) the $400,000 man (1969 Superbowl)
  • 1943 Sharon Gless, Los Angeles, California, actress (Chris Cagney / Cagney & Lacey; Maggie / Switch; Madeline Westen / Burn Notice)
  • 1949 Tom Berenger, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Sniper, The Big Chill, Platoon)
  • 1961 Lea Thompson, Rochester, Minnesota, actress (Caroline in the City, Space Camp, Marty McFly’s mother in the Back to the Future trilogy)
  • 1965 Brooke Shields, New York City, actress and supermodel (Pretty Baby, The Blue Lagoon, Suddenly Susan, That ’70s Show, Lipstick Jungle )
  • 1966 Nick Scotti, Ozone Park, Queens, New York, actor and singer (Sex and The City and Tracey Takes On )
  • 1968 John Connoly, Irish author (PI Charlie Parker series – Every Dead Thing, The Reapers, The Burning Soul)
  • 1976 Colin Farrell, Irish actor (In Bruges, Tigerland, Minority Report, The Recruit)
  • 1977 Eric Olsen, Eugene, Oregon, actor (Detective Marty Deeks on NCIS: Los Angeles)
  • 1982 Jonathan Tucker, Boston, Massachusetts, actor (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hostage, In the Valley of Elah and The Ruins, and The Black Donnellys )
  • 1983 David Hernandez, Phoenix, Arizona,  singer (12th place finalist of FOX’s 7th season of American Idol)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1678 Lady Godiva rides naked through Coventry in a protest of taxes.
  • 1790 The United States enacts its first copyright statute, the Copyright Act of 1790.
  • 1862 American Civil War Peninsula Campaign: Battle of Seven Pines or (Battle of Fair Oaks) – Confederate forces under Joseph E. Johnston & G. W. Smith engage Union forces under George B. McClellan outside Richmond, Virginia.
  • 1864 American Civil War Overland Campaign: Battle of Cold Harbor – The Army of Northern Virginia under Robert E. Lee engages the Army of the Potomac under Ulysses S. Grant & George G. Meade.
  •  1870 Professor Edward J. de Smedt patented sheet asphalt pavement.
  • 1884 Dr John Harvey Kellogg patents “flaked cereal”.
  • 1889 Johnstown Flood: Over 2,200 people die after a dam break sends a 60-foot (18-meter) wall of water over the town of Johnstown, Pennsylvania.
  • 1911 The ocean liner R.M.S. Titanic is launched.
  • 1921 Tulsa Race Riot: A civil unrest in Tulsa, Oklahoma, United States, the official death toll is 39, but recent investigations suggest the actual toll may be much higher.
  • 1927 The last Ford Model T rolls off the assembly line after a production run of 15,007,003 vehicles.
  • 1929 The first talking cartoon of Mickey Mouse, “The Karnival Kid”, is released.
  • 1973 The United States Senate votes to cut off funding for the bombing of Khmer Rouge targets within Cambodia, hastening the end of the Cambodian Civil War.
  • 1977 The Trans-Alaska Pipeline System completed.
  • 1981 Burning of Jaffna library, Sri Lanka, It is one of the violent examples of ethnic biblioclasm of the twentieth century.
  • 1985 United States-Canadian tornado outbreak: Forty-one tornadoes hit Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, and Ontario, leaving 76 dead.
  • 1990 Seinfeld starring Jerry Seinfeld, debuts on NBC as Seinfeld Chronicles.
  • 1991 Bicesse Accords in Angola lay out a transition to multi-party democracy under the supervision of the United Nations’ UNAVEM II mission.
  • 2005 Vanity Fair reveals that Mark Felt was Deep Throat.
  • 2010 In the international waters, Shayetet 13 soldiers attacked with firearms to flotilla that wanted to break the blockade on Gaza Strip. During the armed aggression on the MV Mavi Marmara ship, a violent attack had started. 9 activists killed by soldiers on board, and lots of activist injured.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.

A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.

“Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool…” and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated:

“There are MEN in this place!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Avenue and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento’s major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes. “I live between Sunrise and Sunset,” I told her.

“Oh, honey,” she knowingly replied, “we all do.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test.

“How does this glass of water look to you?”

Person 1: It is half empty.

Student writes ‘pessimist’ in his report.

Person 2 enters the room. “How does this glass of water look to you?”

Person 2: It is half full.

Student writes ‘optimist’ in his report.

Person 3 enters the room. “How does this glass of water look to you?”

Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.

The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.

“Oh them!”, the professor says, “I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: Analogies and Metaphors
These came from the annual “Dark and Stormy Night” competition. Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Ajuga blooms & Bumblebee

Ajuga flowers & Bumblebee

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

There’s a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.

You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The fur began to fly when my fellow airplane passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flights out of Aspen.

When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got. Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, “Those of you continuing on to L.A. please wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WE VISITED  our son during his boot-camp training at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas. While we were there, he took us for a grand tour of the base. At each intersection, he would stop and look both ways before crossing the street. Impressed, I said, “The Air Force has accomplished in a few short weeks what I couldn’t do in 18 years.” “Mom,” he replied, “they don’t use the same language you did!” – Contributed to “Humor In Uniform” by Betty Hastings

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing “wedding.” The wedding vows went like this:

“You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: Hearing Things. . .

~ The owl wins the prize for the best sense of hearing.  The owl’s face shape with a ridge of feathers that splits the face into two dish shapes help carry sound to ear openings.

~ Owl ears are at slightly different levels on each side of the head. The right ear points slightly upward, and the left slightly downward.  When in flight, this helps the owl know if the sound is above or below them.

~ Hearing by Echolocation: This biological sonar system works for bats and dolphins. They emit ultrasonic chirps or clicks, and interpret the echo made by sound waves bouncing off objects.

~Bats use this sonar to locate insects flying as far as 15-20 feet away.  Bats prevent damage to their own ears by closing them with each wing stroke.

~A pigeon uses sounds reflecting off hillsides as a beacon. They use sounds in nature to build an acoustic landscape we can’t hear, and use it for navigation.

~ Cats not only hear better than humans, but also hear better than dogs. They have 30 different muscles that rotate their ears 180 degrees so their ears can face any sound. 

(bocn.org & animals-hearing)
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: Even a mosquito doesn’t get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind. – Samuel Johnson

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *