Jokes and Trivia for February 21, 2013

Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at last upon yourself. – Theodore T. Hunger

TODAY – FEBRUARY 21st – THURSDAY

52nd day of 2013 with 313 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Card Reading Day

*National Sticky Bun Day

*International Mother Language Day

*American Heart Month

*National Grapefruit Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1821 Charles Scribner, New York City, New York, publisher (founder Charles Scribner’s Sons)
  • 1893 Andrés Segovia, Linares, Spain, classical guitarist
  • 1895 Carl Peter Henrik Dam, Copenhagen, Danish biochemist, Nobel for joint work with Edward Doisy in discovering vitamin K and its role in human physiology
  • 1927 Erma Bombeck, Dayton, Ohio, humorist (The Grass is Always Greener...)
  • 1934 Rue McClanahan, Healdton, Oklahoma, actress (Maude, Golden Girls)
  • 1937 Gary Lockwood, Van Nuys, California,  actor (2001: A Space Odyssey)
  • 1946 Tyne Daly, Madison, Wisconsin, actress (Judging Amy, Cagney & Lacey, Angel Unchained)
  • 1951 Vince Welnick, Phoenix, Arizona,  musician (The Grateful Dead)
  • 1955 Kelsey Grammer, Saint Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands,  actor (Cheers, Frasier, X-Men: Then Last Stand )
  • 1958 Mary Chapin Carpenter, Princeton, New Jersey, singer (first album: Hometown Girl)
  • 1958 Jack Coleman, Easton, Pennsylvania, actor (Dynasty,  Heroes )
  • 1958 Jake Steinfeld, Brooklyn, New York, exercise expert/voice actor (Body by Jake/Ratatouille)
  • 1961 Christopher Atkins, Rye, New York,   actor (The Blue Lagoon, Dallas, Dark Realm, Quigley, True Legends of the West)
  • 1961 Martha Hackett, Boston, Massachusetts, actress  (Seska on Star Trek: Voyager)
  • 1963 William Baldwin, Massapequa, NY, actor (Backdraft, Flatliners. Fair Game, Virus, Parenthood, The Craigslist Killer)
  • 1964 Mark Edward Kelly, Orange, New Jersey, astronaut – space shuttle pilot (STS-108, STS-121, STS-124)
  • 1964 Scott Joseph Kelly, Orange, New Jersey, astronaut – space shuttle pilot, Commander of ISS (International Space Station), also STS-103, STS-118, Expedition 25/26 (Soyuz TMA-01M)
  • 1979 Jennifer Love Hewitt, Waco, Texas, actress (Kids Incorporated, Party of Five, I Know What You Did Last Summer, The Audrey Hepburn Story)
  • 1989 Corbin Bleu, Brooklyn, New York City, New York, actor and singer (High School Musical )
  • 1989 Kristin Herrera, Los Angeles, California, actress ( Zoey 101)
  • 1989 Scout Taylor-Compton, Long Beach, California, actress (The Runaways, Love Ranch )

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Every ceiling, when reached, becomes a floor, upon which one walks as a matter of course and prescriptive right. – Aldous Huxley

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1804 The first self-propelling steam locomotive makes its outing at the Pen-y-Darren Ironworks in Wales.
  • 1842 John Greenough is granted the first U.S. patent for the sewing machine.
  • 1874 The Oakland Daily Tribune publishes its first newspaper.
  • 1878 The first telephone book is issued in New Haven, Connecticut.
  • 1885 The newly completed Washington Monument is dedicated.
  • 1925 The New Yorker publishes its first issue.
  • 1937 Initial flight of the first successful flying car, Waldo Waterman’s Arrowbile.
  • 1947 In New York City, Edwin Land demonstrates the first “instant camera”, the Polaroid Land Camera, to a meeting of the Optical Society of America.
  • 1948 NASCAR is incorporated.
  • 1953 Francis Crick and James D. Watson discover the structure of the DNA molecule.
  • 1958 The Peace symbol is designed and completed by Gerald Holtom, commissioned by Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament, in protest against the Atomic Weapons Research Establishment.
  • 1972 The Soviet unmanned spaceship Luna 20 lands on the Moon.
  • 1975 Watergate scandal: Former United States Attorney General John N. Mitchell and former White House aides H. R. Haldeman and John Ehrlichman are sentenced to prison.
  • 1995 Steve Fossett lands in Leader, Saskatchewan, Canada becoming the first person to make a solo flight across the Pacific Ocean in a balloon.

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In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.  Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop.

Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear poop is larger and has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

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There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!”

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ONE-LINERS: Humor Just for Women

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says…”

What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they’re all pigs.

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

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pic of the day: Three Guinea Birds

image of 3 guineas

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.

Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are “limbs,” therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.

Hence the expression, “Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”

“Yes,” the boy’s mother answered.

“And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked.

“Who cares?” the mother replied.

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A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.”

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn’t even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, “Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?”

The man answers, “Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Let’s have a HEART  to HEART talk

~Every year, your heart beats approximately 35 million times.

~Clench your fists and put them side by side — size of your heart. A child’s heart is approximately the size of one clenched fist on an adult hand.

~Women’s hearts beat faster than male hearts.

~To avoid heart disease, get moving. Aerobic activity, like running, swimming and biking, are the best choices for cutting your risk of heart disease.

~Morning is peak time for heart attacks. The majority of heart attacks happen during the hours of 8 and 9 in the morning. Most heart attacks happen on Mondays.

~Laughing can be a great workout for your heart.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Don’t be afraid to take one large step because you can’t cross a chasm in two small leaps. – Anonymous

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself” – Harvey Fierstein