Jokes and Trivia for July 4, 2013

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” ― Thomas Paine

TODAY – JUlY 4th – THURSDAY

185th day of 2013 with 180 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Independence Day (U.S.)

*National Country Music Day

*Sidewalk Egg Frying Day

*National Barbecued Spareribs Day

*National Hot Dog Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1753 Jean-Pierre-Francois Blanchard, French balloonist who made the first aerial crossing of the English Channel
  • 1804 Nathaniel Hawthorne, Salem, Massachusetts, author (The House of the Seven Gables, Twice-Told Tales, Tanglewood Tales)
  • 1816 Hiram Walker, East Douglas, Massachsetts, grocer and distiller (Canadian Club whiskey)
  • 1819 E.R. (Edward Robinson) Squibb,Wilmington, Delaware, inventor and manufacturer (improving purity of medicines)
  • 1826 Stephen Foster, Lawrenceville, Pennsylvania, songwriter (Father of American Music – Oh! Susanna, Camptown Races, My Old Kentucky Home, Beautiful Dreamer)
  • 1847 James Bailey, Detroit, Michigan, circus ringmaster (Barnum & Bailey)
  • 1868 Henrietta Swan Leavitt, Lancaster, Massachusetts, astronomer (discovered period-luminosity relation of Cepheid variables which radically changed the theory of modern astronomy)
  • 1872 Calvin Coolidge, Plymouth, Vermont, 30 President of the United States (August 2, 1923 – March 4, 1929)
  • 1883 Rube Goldberg, San Francisco, California, cartoonist ( best known for a series of popular cartoons depicting complex gadgets that perform simple tasks in indirect, convoluted ways )
  • 1884 Louis B. Mayer, Dymer, Ukraine, American immigrant, film producer (founded Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM) & believed in wholesome entertainment)
  • 1906 Vincent Joseph Schaefer, American chemist and meteorologist who developed cloud seeding
  • 1910 Gloria Stuart, Santa Monica, California, actress (The Invisible Man, 100-year-old Rose of Titanic)
  • 1918 Ann Landers (Esther Pauline “Eppie” Lederer), Sioux City, Iowa, advice columnist
  • 1918 Dear Abby (Pauline Phillips), Sioux City, Iowa, advice columnist
  • 1921 Gerard Debreu, Calais,  economist (contributed on General equilibrium, utility theory, topological methods, integration of set-valued correspondences)
  • 1940 Karolyn Grimes, Hollywood, California, actress (It’s a Wonderful Life, The Bishop’s Wife)
  • 1950 Sir Philip Craven MBE, British sports official and former athlete (2nd President of the International Paralympic Committee)
  • 1962 Neil Morrissey, Stafford, Staffordshire, England, actor (Men Behaving Badly )
  • 1963 Matt Malley, Oakland, California, musician (Counting Crows )
  • 1971 Koko, San Franciso Zoo, California, gorilla who learned approximately 1,000 signs (American Sign Language) and 2,000 spoken words
  • 1978 Becki Newton, New Haven, Connecticut, actress (Ugly Betty )

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“I am an American; free born and free bred, where I acknowledge no man as my superior, except for his own worth, or as my inferior, except for his own demerit.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1776 American Revolution: The United States Declaration of Independence is adopted by the Second Continental Congress.
  • 1778 American Revolutionary War: American forces under George Clark capture Kaskaskia during the Illinois campaign.
  • 1802 At West Point, New York the United States Military Academy opens.
  • 1817 At Rome, New York, United States, construction on the Erie Canal begins.
  • 1826 Thomas Jefferson, third president of the United States, dies the same day as John Adams, second president of the United States, on the fiftieth anniversary of the adoption of the United States Declaration of Independence.
  • 1827 Slavery is abolished in New York State.
  • 1862 Lewis Carroll tells Alice Liddell a story that would grow into Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and its sequels.
  • 1865 Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland is published.
  • 1946 After 381 years of near-continuous colonial rule by various powers, the Philippines attains full independence from the United States.
  • 1959 With the admission of Alaska as the 49th U.S. state earlier in the year, the 49-star flag of the United States debuts in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1960 Due to the post-Independence Day admission of Hawaii as the 50th U.S. state on August 21, 1959, the 50-star flag of the United States debuts in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania almost ten and a half months later (see Flag Act).
  • 1961 Walt Disney is one of the two main speakers on the Independence Day in The Rebuild Hills at Skørping in Denmark.
  • 1997 NASA’s Pathfinder space probe lands on the surface of Mars.
  • 2004 The cornerstone of the Freedom Tower is laid on the site of the World Trade Center in New York City.
  • 2009 The Statue of Liberty’s crown reopens to the public after 8 years, due to security reasons following the World Trade Center attacks.

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We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer. As we approached the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. Could we pass as urban sophisticates?

The maitre d’ met us at the door, all smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to look over the cozy little bar and anticipate the charming basket of pastry that was our appetizer. Then the maitre d’ returned to our group, gingerly holding a fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my coat sleeve.

“Madam,” he said, “Your Bounce.”

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“It’s time to see how clearly you can think,” the teacher said to his class. “Now, listen carefully, and think about what I’m saying. I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?”

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, “The person is me.”

Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. “That’s a good one,” he said to himself. “I’ll have to try that on Mom and Dad.”

At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. “I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have,” he said. “But this person isn’t my brother and isn’t my sister. Who is it?”

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, “I give up. Who is it?”

“It’s my teacher!” Jeffrey said.

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ONE-LINERS: Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer’s transcripts of real court cases.

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: … any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A: Fowler
Q: What’s his first name?
A: I can’t remember.
Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.

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Letters Of Recommendations For Employees
For the chronically absent:
“A man like him is hard to find.” “It seemed his career was just taking off.”

For the office drunk:
“I feel his real talent is wasted here.” “We generally found him loaded with work to do.”

For an employee with no ambition:
“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
“He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself.”

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

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pic of the day: Happy Independence Day!

fireworks

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WARNING! PATRIOTIC PUN ZONE!

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

What’s red, white, blue, and gross?
Uncle Spam!

What’s red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!

“How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?
“The hot dogs were bad and the brats were wurst!”

What has four legs, a shiny nose, and fought for England?
Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer!

How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

“Why don’t you just put it in park?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Hot Dogs!

~The North American hot dog comes from a widespread common European sausage brought here by butchers of several nationalities. It’s not certain who first served it with a roll. One report says a German immigrant sold them, along with milk rolls and sauerkraut, from a push cart in New York City’s Bowery during the 1860’s. In 1871, Charles Feltman, a German butcher opened up the first Coney Island hot dog stand selling 3,684 dachshund sausages in a milk roll during his first year in business.

~In 1893, sausages became the standard fare at baseball parks. This tradition is believed to have been started by a St. Louis bar owner, Chris Von de Ahe, a German immigrant who also owned the St. Louis Browns major league baseball team.

~Kosher hot dogs do not contain pork and are made from beef or poultry that has been slaughtered according to Jewish law.

~Hot Dog Etiquette: Don’t put hot dog toppings between the hot dog and the bun. Always “dress the dog,” not the bun.  Condiments should be applied in the following order: wet condiments like mustard and chili are applied first, followed by chunky condiments like relish, onions and sauerkraut, followed by shredded cheese, followed by spices, like celery salt or pepper.

~The average weight, fully loaded, of a baseball park hot dog vendor’s bin is approximately 40 pounds. And vendors typically walk 4 to 5 miles per game, up and down steps. They work on tips and commission, so if they’re smart, they move quickly!

~Do you know which famous movie character uttered the phrase, “Nobody, I mean nobody, puts ketchup on a hot dog?”  It was Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry in “Sudden Impact.”

~The Hot Dog and Bob Series is a favorite of beginning readers that features a talking Hot Dog superhero sent down from the planet Dogzalot to protect the Earth from evil space-alien attacks and an ordinary boy named Bob.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Don’t be redundant by repeating yourself twice.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official, save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country. It is patriotic to support him insofar as he efficiently serves the country. It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country. In either event, it is unpatriotic not to tell the truth, whether about the president or anyone else.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

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