Jokes and Trivia for March 4, 2013

Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare. – Japanese Proverb

TODAY – MARCH 4th – MONDAY

63rd days of 2013 with 302 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Holy Experiment Day

*Hug a GI Day

*National Pound Cake Day

*Music in Our Schools Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1678 Antonio Vivaldi, Italian composer & violin virtuoso (Baroque composer: The Four Seasons)
  • 1792 Samuel Slocum, Poughkeepsie, New York,  inventor (machine for the production of flat head pins, first stapler)
  • 1822 Jules Antoine Lissajous, Plombières-les-Bains,  French mathematician, invented the Lissajous apparatus (device that creates the figures that bear his name)
  • 1847 Carl Josef Bayer, Australia, chemist and inventor (Bayer process of extracting alumina from bauxite, essential to the economical production of aluminium)
  • 1864 David W. Taylor, Louisa county, Virginia, U.S. Navy architect and engineer (built first towing tank)
  • 1876 Theodore Hardeen, Hungarian magician & escape artist (Founder of the Magician’s Guild; Houdini’s brother)
  • 1877 Garrett Morgan, Paris, Kentucky,  inventor (including a type of protective respiratory hood (or gas mask), a traffic signal, and a hair-straightening preparation)
  • 1888 Knute Rockne, American football player and coach  (popularized the forward pass, regarded as one of the greast coaches in college football)
  • 1889 Pearl White, Green Ridge, Missouri, actress (Perils of Pauline; did most of own stunts)
  • 1891 Charles Arthur “Dazzy” Vance, Orient, Iowa, baseball player (Known for fastball; only pitcher to lead National League for 7 consecutive seasons in strikeouts)
  • 1891 Lois Wilson, New York, founder of Al-Anon (support group for friends and family of alcoholics)
  • 1901 Wilbur R. Franks, Weston, Ontario,  scientist, (invented the anti-gravity suit or G-suit) worked in cancer research
  • 1901 Charles Goren, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, bridge player and writer (world champion bridge player, bestselling author)
  • 1903 Malcolm Dole, Melrose, Massachusetts, chemist (Dole Effect: the atomic weight of oxygen in air is greater than that of oxygen in water)
  • 1923 Patrick Moore, English astronomer, author, and television presenter  (co-founder of Society for Popular Astronomy; presenter for BBC’s The Sky at Night)
  • 1937 William Deverell, Canadian lawyer and author (Needles, Trail of Passion, High Crimes, The Dance of Shiva, Mind Games, Snow Job)
  • 1938 Paula Prentiss, San Antonio, Texas,  actress (Where the Boys Are, Man’s Favorite Sport?, The Stepford Wives)
  • 1940 David Plante, Providence, Rhode Island, author (The Ghost of Henry James, Figures in Bright Air, The Native, American Ghosts, ABC)
  • 1941 John Aprea, Englewood, New Jersey, actor (The Godfather: Part II )
  • 1942 Gloria Gaither, Michigan, gospel singer songwriter (Bill Gaither Trio, Gaither Homecoming series)
  • 1944 Bobby Womack, Cleveland, Ohio, singer (The Valentinos)
  • 1945 Frank Novak, Chicago, Illinois,  actor (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, NYPD Blue)
  • 1953 Kay Lenz, Los Angeles, California,  actress (Breezy, White Line Fever, Rich Man Poor Man)
  • 1958 Patricia Heaton, Bay Village, Ohio,  actress (Everybody Loves Raymond)
  • 1961 Steven Weber, Briarwood, Queens, New York, actor (Wings )
  • 1965 Stacy Edwards, Glasgow, Montana,  actress (Ghost Whisperer )
  • 1967 Evan Dando, Boston, Massachusetts, musician (The Lemonheads)
  • 1983 Jessica Heap, Baton Rouge, Louisiana, actress (The Young and the Restless )

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Beauty is only skin deep.  i think what’s really important is finding a balance of mind, body and spirit.  Someone said to me not too long ago, “Until you’re twenty, you have the face you are born with, and after that you have the face you deserve.”, and I really loved that – the idea that you wear who you are on your face. – Jennifer Lopez

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1628 The Massachusetts Bay Colony is granted a Royal charter.
  • 1681 Charles II grants a land charter to William Penn for the area that will later become Pennsylvania.
  • 1776  American Revolutionary War: The Continental Army fortifies Dorchester Heights with cannon, leading the British troops to abandon the Siege of Boston.
  • 1789 In New York City, the first Congress of the United States meets, putting the United States Constitution into effect.
  • 1791 A Constitutional Act is introduced by the British House of Commons in London which envisages the separation of Canada into Lower Canada (Quebec) and Upper Canada (Ontario).
  • 1791 Vermont is admitted to the U.S. as the fourteenth state.
  • 1794 The 11th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is passed by the U.S. Congress. (The Judicial power of the United States shall not be construed to extend to any suit in law or equity, commenced or prosecuted against one of the United States by Citizens of another State, or by Citizens or Subjects of any Foreign State.)
  • 1797 In the first ever peaceful transfer of power between elected leaders in modern times, John Adams is sworn in as President of the United States, succeeding George Washington.
  • 1837 The city of Chicago is incorporated.
  • 1848 Carlo Alberto di Savoia signs the Statuto Albertino that will later represent the first constitution of the Regno d’Italia
  • 1861 The first national flag of the Confederate States of America (the “Stars and Bars”) is adopted.
  • 1908 The Collinwood School Fire, Collinwood near Cleveland, Ohio, kills 174 people.
  • 1909 U.S. President William Taft used what became known as a Saxbe fix, a mechanism to avoid the restriction of the U.S. Constitution’s Ineligibility Clause, to appoint Philander C. Knox as U.S. Secretary of State.
  • 1974 People magazine is published for the first time.
  • 1985 Blood test for AIDS approved by FDA, thereafter used for screening all blood donations in the United States.
  • 1998 Gay rights: Oncale v. Sundowner Offshore Services: The Supreme Court of the United States rules that federal laws banning on-the-job sexual harassment also apply when both parties are the same sex.
  • 2001 4 March 2001 BBC bombing: a massive car bomb explodes in front of the BBC Television Centre in London, seriously injuring 1 person. The attack was attributed to the Real IRA.
  • 2001 Hintze Ribeiro disaster: A bridge collapses in northern Portugal, killing up to 70 people.

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“Just relax,” the hospital staff kept telling the young father- to-be, but it was to no avail. His wife was in labor and he was a nervous wreck.

After what seemed like a week, a nurse came out with the happy news, “It’s a girl!” she announced.

“A girl! Thank God!” said the new dad. “She’ll never have to go through what I just went through!”

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“How old were you on your last birthday?”

“Seven.”

“How old will you be on your next birthday?”

“Nine.”

“That’s impossible.”

“No, it isn’t. I’m eight today.”

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ONE-LINERS:

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight ‘safety lecture’ a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples of funny airline cabin crew announcements:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’

2. On a Continental Flight with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’

3. On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

4. ‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

5. ‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella. WHOA!’

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: ‘Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

9. ‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.’

10. ‘Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.’

11. ‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

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pic of the day: Reminder of Summer

flowers

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: Where do you find information about eggs?
A: In the hencyclopedia

Q: Did you hear the one about the egg?
A: It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: The rooster egged her on.

Q: What do you call an egg on safari?
A: An eggsplorer.

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I got a job playing the piano in a downtown bar. One night an elephant walked in, walked over to the my piano and started to cry.

“There, there,” I comforted him. “Do you recognize the song?”

“No, no,” said the elephant, “I recognize the keys.”

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On the first day Margo packed all her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.  On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.  On the third day, Margo sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each an every room and deposited few half-eaten anchovies dipped in caviar down the curtain rods.

When Margo’s husband Ralph returned with his new girlfriend Tracey, all was bliss for the first few days.  Then slowly, the house began to smell.  They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting…..Nothing worked.  People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.  The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, Ralph and Tracey could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then Margo called Ralph, and asked how things were going and he told her the saga of the rotting house.  She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, Ralph agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.  She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later Ralph and Tracey stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home – including the curtain rods!

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How to reduce stress? Hugging is the answer.

~Hugging and holding hands with a significant other can relax you and make you feel better.

~What a lot of people don’t know is that it can actually physically protect the health of your heart and your ability to combat stress.

~People who usually  hug and hold hands had much lower blood pressure, about half as high a jump in systolic reading. They also had a lower increase of heart rate. Hugging helps reduce stress!

~Hugs increase the feelings of safety, security, trust, strength, healing, self worth, belonging, happiness, and appreciation.

~Children who lack hugs or similar beneficial touching have been found to start walking later, start talking later, and start reading later

~Just a brief hug or 10 minutes of handholding with a romantic partner greatly reduces the harmful physical effects of stress

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QUIP OF THE DAY: No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. – Abraham Lincoln

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Surely there is something in the unruffled calm of nature that overawes our little anxieties and doubts; the sight of the deep-blue sky and the clustering stars above seems to impart a quiet to the mind. – Jonathan Edwards