Humor for August 10, 2017

The worst prison would be a closed heart. – Pope John Paul II

TODAY – AUGUST 10th – THURSDAY

222nd day of 2017 with 143 days to follow. Moon waning with 93% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Lazy Day
~ National S’mores Day
~ International Biodiesel Day
~ Romance Awareness Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1814 Henri Nestle, German confectioner (Founder of Nestle, main creator of condensed milk)
  • 1856 William Willett, English inventor of Daylight Saving Time
  • 1874 Herbert Clark Hoover, West Branch, Iowa, (R) 31st President (1929-1933)
  • 1889 Charles Darrow, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Inventor (Monopoly game)
  • 1909 Leo Fender, Fullerton, California, luthier (Fender Musical Instruments)
  • 1923 Rhonda Fleming, Hollywood, California, actress (Queen of Technicolor / Spellbound, Out of the Past, Adventure Island, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Inferno)
  • 1928 Eddie Fisher, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, singer (pop music)
  • 1928 Jimmy Dean, Plainview, Texas, actor/singer (Jimmy Dean Show/ Jimmy Dean Sausage)
  • 1939 Kate O’Mara, English actress (Dynasty, Howards’ Way, the Rani in Dr. Who)
  • 1960 Antonio Banderas, Spanish actor (Puss in Boots in Shrek, The Legend of Zorro)
  • 1976 Richard Boggs, Philippi, West Virginia, Software Engineer at Revolution Retail Systems LLC, geek, & all-around great guy

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Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. – Eleanor Roosevelt
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1821 Missouri admitted as 24th US state.
  • 1846 Smithsonian Institution is chartered by the U.S. Congress after $500,000 was given by scientist James Smithson.
  • 1893 Rudolf Diesel’s prime model runs on its own power for the first time. Because of this, August 10 is the International Biodiesel Day.
  • 1932 A 5.1kg (11.2-pound) chondrite-type meteorite breaks into at least seven pieces and lands near the town of Archie in Cass County, Missouri.
  • 1948 Candid Camera makes its television debut after being on radio for a year as Candid Microphone.
  • 1990 The Magellan space probe reaches Venus.
  • 1995 Oklahoma City bombing: Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols are indicted for the bombing. Michael Fortier pleads guilty in a plea-bargain agreement for his testimony.
  • 2003 Yuri Malenchenko becomes the first person to marry in space.

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The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don’t get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”

One hunter groaned, “Well, it worked. They’re all safe.”

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The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully: “Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men.”

“What is it?” the officer got interested.

“Two hundred soldiers.”

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ONE-LINERS: ** Rules of Life **

~ Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

~ Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.

~I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

~ My reality check bounced.

~ On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

~ I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

~ Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

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A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

“Hoot mon,” he said, “in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20.”

“That might be true,” said the travel agent, “but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked.”

“Well, at $100 an hour for a boat,” said the Scotsman, “it’s no wonder He walked.”

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pic of the day: Happy Birthday Hagrid! 😉


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

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A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots.” Bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks “He can drink?”

“Oh, sure. He can drink.”

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

“That’s amazing” says the bartender. “What else can he do, can he walk?”

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Jake. Go get that.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?”

The man says “Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor’s powers!”

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A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

“Say, friend”, called out one of the men, “how far is it to the next town?”

“Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon,” called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

“How far to the next town?” the men asked him eagerly.

“Oh, a good two miles.”

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. “Hey, how far’s the next town?”

“Not far,” was the encouraging answer, “only about two miles.”

“Well,” sighed the optimistic sergeant, “thank God, we’re holding our own, anyhow!”

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10 ways you know you are a Geek

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so colon-right parentheses!”

1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”

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An overweight gooberette consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The gooberette followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: “How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Is Earth a sphere? Because the planet rotates and is more flexible than you might imagine, it bulges at the midsection, creating a sort of pumpkin shape. The bulge was lessening for centuries but now, suddenly, it is growing, a recent study showed. Accelerated melting of Earth’s glaciers is taking the blame for the gain in equatorial girth.

~What is the longest migration among mammals? The caribous of the Arctic migrate hundreds of miles between summer and winter ranges. Some herds make round trips in excess of 1,500 miles. The herds follow ancient trails made by generations of their ancestors. However, there’s an even bigger mammal that makes an even longer migration. Gray whales make journeys of up to 6,000 miles as they travel from their feeding grounds in Alaska’s seas to the warmer water of Baja, California for the winter. The trip takes about seven weeks.

~What was on Ty Cobb’s hospital nightstand? Baseball legend Ty Cobb amassed a huge fortune from Coca-Cola and General Motors stocks. His net worth at the time of his death was reported to be $11 million. When Cobb entered Emory Hospital in Atlanta near death, he brought with him more than $1 million in negotiable bonds and placed them on the nightstand next to a loaded pistol.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you it was truly meant to be.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Remain open, there is something bigger than you know going on here. – Iyanla Vanzant