Jokes and Trivia for July 23, 2013

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” – Marilyn Monroe

TODAY – JULY 23rd – TUESDAY

204th day of 2013 with 161 follow. 

Holidays for Today:

*Hot Enough For Ya Day

*National Hot Dog Day

*Vanilla Ice Cream Day

*Gorgeous Grandma Day

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1775 Étienne-Louis Malus, Paris, France,  physicist and mathematician (known for polarization of light Malus’ law)
  • 1885 Georges Matchabelli, Georgian prince  (immigrated to America), diplomat & perfume manufacturer (Wind Song, Ave Maria, Princess Norina)
  • 1888 Raymond Chandler, Chicago, Illinois, author (The Big Sleep, The Long Goodbye, Farewell My Lovely, The Lady in the Lake)
  • 1901 Hank Worden, Rolfe, Iowa, cowboy turned actor (The Lone Ranger, The Searchers, The Alamo, McLintock, Rio Lobo, Big Jake, Twin Peaks)
  • 1906 Vladimir Prelog, Herzegovina, Austria-Hungary, Croatian chemist (organic chemistry, biochemistry)
  • 1928 Hubert Selby, Jr., Brooklyn, New York, author (Last Exit to Brooklyn, Requiem for a Dream)
  • 1929 Danny Barcelona, Filipino-American drummer with Louis Armstrong’s All-Star band
  • 1933 Bert Convy, St. Louis, Missouri, actor, singer, and game show host (Super Password; Win, Lose or Draw)
  • 1943 Randall Forsberg, Huntsville, Alabama, scientist (founder of Institute for Defense & Disarmament Studies and Nuclear Weapons Freeze Campaign)
  • 1947 Gardner Dozois, Salem, Massachusetts, author & editor (Founding editor of The Year’s Best Science Fiction anthologies)
  • 1960 Susan Graham, Roswell, New Mexico, mezzo-soprano
  • 1961 Michael Durant, Berlin, New Hampshire, Army pilot (captured by Somali; held for 11 days) and author (In the Company of Heroes)
  • 1961 Woody Harrelson, Midland, Texas,  actor (A Prairie Home Companion )
  • 1962 Eriq La Salle, Hartford, Connecticut, actor (Coming to America, ER)
  • 1967 Philip Seymour Hoffman, Fairport, New York,  actor (Scent of a Woman, Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Cold Mountain, Charlie Wilson’s War,  Mission: Impossible III)
  • 1970 Charisma Carpenter, Las Vegas, Nevada,  actress (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
  • 1971 Alison Krauss, Decatur, Illinois, singer-songwriter and fiddler (Alison Krauss and Union Station)
  • 1974 Kathryn Hahn, Westchester, Illinois,  actress (Crossing Jordan)
  • 1982 Paul Wesley, New Brunswick, New Jersey, actor (The Vampire Diaries, Fallen)
  • 1983 Andrew Eiden, La Mirada, California,  actor (Movie Surfers, Outward Bound, Complete Savages)
  • 1996 Rachel G. Fox, Lawrenceville, Georgia,  actress (Desperate Housewives, The Ant Bully, Spork)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

“It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.” – Maurice Switzer

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1829 In the United States, William Austin Burt patents the typographer, a precursor to the typewriter.
  • 1833 Cornerstones are laid for the construction of the Kirtland Temple in Kirtland, Ohio.
  • 1840 The Province of Canada is created by the Act of Union.
  • 1903 The Ford Motor Company sells its first car.
  • 1926 Fox Film buys the patents of the Movietone sound system for recording sound onto film.
  • 1927 The first station of the Indian Broadcasting Company goes on the air in Bombay.
  • 1940 The United States’ Under Secretary of State Sumner Welles issues a declaration on the U.S. non-recognition policy of the Soviet annexation and incorporation of three Baltic States: Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania.
  • 1942 The Holocaust: the Treblinka extermination camp is opened.
  • 1961 The Sandinista National Liberation Front is founded in Nicaragua.
  • 1962 Telstar relays the first publicly transmitted, live trans-Atlantic television program, featuring Walter Cronkite.
  • 1962 The International Agreement on the Neutrality of Laos is signed.
  • 1967 12th Street Riot: in Detroit, Michigan, one of the worst riots in United States history begins on 12th Street in the predominantly African American inner city. It will leave 43 killed, 342 injured and 1,400 buildings burned.
  • 1972 Landsat 1, the first Earth-resources satellite, is launched by the United States.
  • 1984 Vanessa Williams becomes the first Miss America to resign when she surrenders her crown after nude photos of her appeared in Penthouse magazine.
  • 1986 In London, Prince Andrew, Duke of York marries Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey.
  • 1988 General Ne Win, effective ruler of Burma since 1962, resigns after pro-democracy protests.
  • 1992 A Vatican commission, led by Joseph Ratzinger, establishes that it is necessary to limit rights of homosexual people and non-married couples.
  • 1992 Abkhazia declares independence from Georgia.
  • 1995 Comet Hale-Bopp is discovered; it will become visible to the naked eye nearly a year later.
  • 2005 Three bombs explode in the Naama Bay area of Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt, killing 88 people.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A “Life and Career” coach met with a prospective client one morning and asked the client what he wanted to get out of their sessions.   “Clarity,” the client said very firmly.

“And on what issues are you looking for clarity?” the coach asked.

“Well,” he said in a less confident tone, “I’m not sure.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.

“My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, “Permission granted.”

Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn’t pregnant, so when the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission, my friend re- sponded, “My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: The 10 Best Caddy Replies

# 10 — Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
               Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

# 9 — Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
            Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

# 8 — Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
            Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

# 7 — Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
              Caddy: “Eventually.”

# 6 — Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
            Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

# 5 — Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of A distraction.”
            Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

# 4 — Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
            Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

# 3 — Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
            Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

# 2 — Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
             Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

# 1 — Best Caddy Comment Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
              Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A guy was hitch-hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again. He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same rest- aurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, “Hey, look, isn’t that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Amish Buggies

 picture of 2 Amish buggies
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: What do cows do for entertainment? A: Go to moo-vies.

Q: Which job is a cow most suited for?  A: Baker. Because they’re making cow pies regularly.

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?  A: To get chocolate milk.

Q: What band is a cow favorite?  A: Moo-dy Blues

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.   “However, if you’re over 65,” he said, “the price will be only $5.50.”

From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give you that information for only fifty cents?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

I was helping a buddy of mine, who was an orthopedic surgeon, move to his new office, and using my car to help transport some of his office equipment.

I had decided to position his somewhat fragile display skeleton strapped into the back seat of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat…

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became quite obvious. I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to a doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window. and commented, “I hate to tell you, but I looks like you may be a bit too late!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.

The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading, “Justice has triumphed!”

The client wired back, “Appeal at once!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: Ice Cream Cones!

~An ice cream cone, poke or cornet is a dry, cone-shaped pastry, usually made of a wafer similar in texture to a waffle.

~Various types of ice cream cones include waffle cones, cake cones (or wafer cones), pretzel cones, sugar cones and chocolate-coated cones.

~New Yorker named Italo Marchioni received U.S. patent No. 746971 on December 13, 1904, for a mold for making pastry cups to hold ice cream.  Since Marchioni’s patent was not for a cone, he lost the lawsuits that he later filed against cone manufacturers for patent infringement.

~Banner Creamery’s owner George Bang was selling ice cream during the 1904 Saint Louis Exposition in St. Louis, Missouri. The story is he ran out of bowls and was given rolled-up waffles to serve it in instead. Others credit Ernest A. Hamwi, a waffle maker at the World Fair, as the first inventor.

~Frederick Bruckman, an inventor from Portland, Oregon, patented a machine for rolling ice cream cones in 1912. He sold his company to Nabisco in 1928.

~J.T. “Stubby” Parker of Fort Worth, Texas created an ice cream cone in 1928 that could be stored in a grocer’s freezer, with the cone and the ice cream frozen together as one item.  He formed The Drumstick Company in 1931 to market the product

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: The following sentence is false. The previous sentence was true.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” – Mother Teresa

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *