Jokes and Trivia for December 13, 2012

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

TODAY – DECEMBER 13th – THURSDAY

348th day of 2012 with 18 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Ice Cream Day (also one on the third Sunday in July)

*Violin Day

*National Cocoa Day

*Acadian Remembrance Day (In Louisiana, known as Cajuns)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1724 Franz Aepinus, Rostock, Mecklenburg-Schwerin, scientist (research, theoretical and experimental, in electricity and magnetism)
  • 1816 Ernst Werner von Siemens, German engineer, inventor, and industrialist (founder of the electrical and telecommunications company Siemens)
  • 1818 Mary Todd Lincoln, Lexington, Kentucky, First Lady of the United States (1861-1865)
  • 1867 Kristian Birkeland, Christiania, Kingdom of Norway, explorer and scientist (first person to elucidate the nature of the Aurora borealis; invented the electromagnetic cannon and the Birkeland-Eyde process of fixing nitrogen from the air )
  • 1887 Sergeant Alvin York, Pall Mall, Tennessee, soldier & Medal of Honor recipient (one of most decorated soliers in WWI)
  • 1903 Carlos Montoya, Spanish guitarist (founder of modern Flamenco style of music)
  • 1915 Ross Macdonald, Los Gatos, California, American-Canadian author (detective Lew Archer / The Moving Target, The Drowning Pool, The Chill, Black Money, The Underground Man)
  • 1923 Philip Warren Anderson, Indianapolis, Indiana, physicist (Nobel / contributions to the theories of localization, antiferromagnetism and high-temperature superconductivity)
  • 1925 Dick Van Dyke, West Plains, Missouri, actor and comedian (Bye Bye Birdie, Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Diagnosis: Murder)
  • 1929 Christopher Plummer, Canadian actor (The Sound of Music, The Return of the Pink Panther, The Man Who Would Be King, The Moneychangers, The Thorn Birds, General Chang in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, The Insider, A Beautiful Mind, The Last Station, Beginners, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
  • 1949 Randy Owen, Fort Payne, Alabama, country singer and guitarist (Alabama)
  • 1954 Emma Bull, Torrance, California, author (War for the Oaks, Finder, Bone Dance, Finder, Territory)
  • 1954 Tamora Pierce, South Connellsville, Pennsylvania, author (The Song of the Lioness series, The Immortals series, Tricksters series, Beka Cooper trilogy, The Circle Universe series)
  • 1957 Steve Buscemi, Brooklyn, New York, actor (New York Stories, Mystery Train, Reservoir Dogs, Desperado, Con Air, Armageddon, The Grey Zone, Ghost World )
  • 1957 Morris Day, Minneapolis, Minnesota, singer (The Time)
  • 1967 Jamie Foxx, Terrell, Texas, actor and singer (Any Given Sunday, Ali, Collateral, Ray, Jarhead, Dreamgirls, Law Abiding Citizen, Django Unchained)
  • 1981 Amy Lee, Los Angeles, California singer/songwriter (Evanescence)
  • 1989 Taylor Swift, Reading, Pennsylvania, singer (discography: Fearless, Speak Now, Red)

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A mathematical formula for happiness: Reality divided by Expectations.There were two ways to be happy:improve your reality or lower your expectations. ― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1636 The Massachusetts Bay Colony organizes three militia regiments to defend the colony against the Pequot Indians. This organization is recognized today as the founding of the United States National Guard.
  • 1937 Nanjing Massacre. Japanese troops begin carrying out several weeks of raping and killing of civilians and suspected Chinese resistance after the fall of Nanjing.
  • 1938 The Holocaust: The Neuengamme concentration camp opens in the Bergedorf district of Hamburg, Germany.
  • 1939 World War II: Battle of the River Plate – Captain Hans Langsdorff of the German Deutschland class cruiser (pocket battleship) Admiral Graf Spee engages with Royal Navy cruisers HMS Exeter, HMS Ajax and HMNZS Achilles.
  • 1962 NASA “Relay 1″ launch, first active repeater communications satellite in orbit.
  • 1967 Constantine II of Greece attempts an unsuccessful counter-coup against the Regime of the Colonels
  • 1968 Brazilian president Artur da Costa e Silva decrees the AI-5 (or the fifth Institutional Act), which lasts until 1978 and marks the beginning of the hard times of Brazilian military dictatorship.
  • 1972 Apollo program: Eugene Cernan and Harrison Schmitt begin the third and final Extra-vehicular activity (EVA) or “Moonwalk” of Apollo 17. This is the last manned mission to the moon of the 20th century.
  • 1974 Malta becomes a republic within the Commonwealth of Nations
  • 1977 A DC-3 aircraft chartered from the Indianapolis-based National Jet crashes near Evansville Regional Airport, killing 29, including the University of Evansville basketball team, support staff and boosters of the team.
  • 1979 The Canadian Government of Prime Minister Joe Clark is defeated in the House of Commons, prompting the 1980 Canadian election.
  • 1981 General Wojciech Jaruzelski declares martial law in Poland to prevent dismantling of the communist system by Solidarity.
  • 2000 The “Texas 7″ escape from the John Connally Unit near Kenedy, Texas and go on a robbery spree, during which police officer Aubrey Hawkins is shot and killed.
  • 2001 the Indian Parliament Sansad is attacked by terrorists. 15 people are killed, including all the terrorists.
  • 2002 Enlargement of the European Union: The European Union announces that Cyprus, the Czech Republic, Estonia, Hungary, Latvia, Lithuania, Malta, Poland, Slovakia, and Slovenia will become members from May 1, 2004.
  • 2003 Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is captured near his home town of Tikrit (see Operation Red Dawn).
  • 2006 The Baiji, or Chinese River Dolphin, is announced as extinct.

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Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?”

Sam: “I don’t know.”

Teacher: “Bark, Sam, bark.”

Sam: “Bow, wow, wow!”

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“Dad, can you write in the dark?”

“I think so. What is it you want me to write?”

“Your name on this report card.”

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ONE-LINERS:

~Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

~Who are these children and why are they calling me “Mom”?

~Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

~Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

~This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.

~I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left.

~Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

~If I throw a stick, will you leave?

~You! Off my planet!

~I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

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pic of the day: Little Dog on Table

picture of dog on table

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The orchestra conductor noticed that all the whole notes had little smiley faces penciled in. He called in the blonde music librarian and asked her, “What is this all about?!?”

She said, “Well, after my last mistake you told me that I would have to face the music. So I did!”

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TOP 10 LEAST FAVORITE CHURCH CHRISTMAS PLAYS
By Dave Tippett
 
10. Advent: Gangnam Style!
9. Mrs. Claus and the Unwashed Elves
8. Scrooge: The Unlikely Magi
7. The Littlest Shepherd’s Blog
6. Innkeeper’s Got Talent!
5. Bethlehem’s Budget Woes
4. The Living Dead Nativity
3. The Empty Manger and the Incontinent Animals
2. Magi Mapquest Mayhem!
1. Baby Jesus: God’s little “Like” Button
Copyright 2012 Dave Tippett.

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A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping  for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his  potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He  stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for
his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally  found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.  He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He  started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally,  when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started  to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled  the man over. He administered the breathalyser test, and to his  great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!”  exclaimed the patrolman.

“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy!!!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA:  Learn something from your favorite, ICE CREAM

~An average dairy cow can produce enough milk in her lifetime to make a little over 9,000 gallons of ice cream.

~In the U.S., all ice cream needs to have a minimum of 10% milkfat if it is to be labeled “ice cream”. This includes custard based (French Style) ice creams.

~The U.S. celebrates National Ice Cream Month in July. It was introduced to America in the 1700’s, but mostly enjoyed by those of status and wealth.

~California produces the most ice cream in the U.S.

~The U.S. produces the most ice cream in the world.

~Ice cream became available to the general population in France in 1660.

~Americans celebrated the victory of WWII with ice cream. In 1946, they ate more than 20 quarts of ice cream per person.

~Hawaii has a fruit known as the ice cream bean or the monkey tamarind that actually tastes like vanilla ice cream!

~There is actually an ice cream diet designed for weight loss.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: He’s so fat, he can be his own running mate – Johnny Carson.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score. – Bill Copeland