Jokes and Trivia for January 25, 2012

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. – Lily Tomlin

TODAY – JANUARY 25th – FRIDAY

25th day of 2013 with 340 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* Opposite Day

* A Room of One’s Own Day

* National Irish Coffee Day

* Burns Night

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1759 Robert Burns, Scottish poet (Auld Lang Syne)
  • 1860 Charles Curtis, Topeka, Kansas, 31st Vice President of the United States (1929-33)
  • 1874 W. Somerset Maugham, English writer (Of Human Bondage, The Letter, Rain, The Razor’s Edge)
  • 1882 Virginia Woolf, English writer (Jacob’s Room, To The Lighthouse)
  • 1913 Luis Marden, Chelsea, Massachusetts, photojournalist (National Geographic, pioneer in use of color photography)
  • 1916 Frank “Pop” Ivy, Skiatook, Oklahoma, football coach (only person ever to serve as a head coach in the National Football League, the American Football League and the Western Interprovincial Football Union)
  • 1923 Shirley Mason, Dodge Center, Minnesota, psychiatric patient (aka, “Sybil”)
  • 1931 Dean Jones, Decatur, Alabama, actor (Love Bug, That Darn Cat, Beethoven, Clear & Present Danger)
  • 1938 Leiji Matsumoto, Japanese creator of anime (Space Battleship Yamato, Arcadia of my Youth, Captain Harlock, Galaxy Express 999)
  • 1941 Buddy Baker, Florence, South Carolina, race car driver (2X winner of NASCAR Championship; Hall of Fame member. In 1970, he became the first driver to ever exceed 200mph (320kph) on a closed course.)
  • 1941 Gregory Sierra, New York, New York, actor (Barney Biller, Sanford and Son)
  • 1949 Paul Nurse, English biochemist (Nobel: discoveries of protein molecules that control division of cells)
  • 1954 Kay Cottee, Australian, first woman to sail solo and non stop around the world
  • 1957 Jenifer Lewis, Kinloch, Missouri, actress (Sister Act, The Preacher’s Wife, Get Bruce, Shark Tale, Cars, The Princess and the Frog)
  • 1970 Stephen Chbosky, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, writer, director (The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Rent, Jericho)
  • 1971 Ana Ortiz, Manhattan, New York, actress and singer (Ugly Betty)
  • 1973 Geoff Johns, Detroit, Michigan, comic book writer (DC Comics/ The Flash, Green Lantern, Teen Titans)
  • 1979 Christine Lakin, Dallas, Texas, actress (Step by Step, Reefer madness, Race to Witch Mountain)
  • 1981 Alicia Keys, NYC, singer/songwriter/actess (R&B, soul/The Secret Life of Bees)
  • 1982 Shawna Waldron, Glendale, California, actress (Little Giants, The American President, Ladies Man)

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Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. – Mark Twain

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1858 The Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn becomes a popular wedding recessional after it is played on this day at the marriage of Queen Victoria’s daughter, Victoria, and Friedrich of Prussia.
  • 1881 Thomas Edison and Alexander Graham Bell form the Oriental Telephone Company.
  • 1890 Nellie Bly completes her round-the-world journey in 72 days.
  • 1915 Alexander Graham Bell inaugurates U.S. transcontinental telephone service, speaking from New York to Thomas Watson in San Francisco.
  • 1919 The League of Nations is founded.
  • 1924 The 1924 Winter Olympics open in Chamonix, France (in the French Alps), inaugurating the Winter Olympic Games.
  • 1949 At the Hollywood Athletic Club the first Emmy Awards are presented.
  • 1961 In Washington, D.C. John F. Kennedy delivers the first live presidential television news conference.
  • 1993 Sears stopped production of its general merchandise catalog after 97 years.
  • 1998 During a historic visit to Cuba Pope John Paul II demands the release of political prisoners and political reforms while condemning US attempts to isolate the country.
  • 2004 Opportunity rover (MER-B) lands on surface of Mars.

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The day after Halloween, Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, he but he knew how to mind his own business!”

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After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, Mom and Dad announced to their grown children that they’re getting a divorce.

The kids were totally distraught and, as a stab at keeping their parents together, arranged a series of sessions for the whole family with a world-famous marriage counselor.

The counselor worked for hours, tried all of his methods and tricks, but the parents wouldn’t even talk to each other.

Finally, he walked over to a closet, brought out an oboe, and began to play. After a minute or so, the parents started talking and, as the counselor continued soloing on the oboe, the couple discovered they’re not that far apart and decided to give their marriage another try.

The children were amazed and asked the counselor how he managed to do it. He replied, “Simple. I’ve never seen a couple that wouldn’t talk through an oboe solo.”

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ONE-LINERS: Life’s Crazy Rules

* Lerman’s Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy’s First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny’s Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person’s name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary – If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeager’s Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber’s day off.

* Lampner’s Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile’s Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

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pic of the day: Shetland Sheep Ewe and Lamb

picture of sheep mama and lamb

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ Math teachers have lots of problems.

~ Stealing someone’s coffee is called ‘mugging’.

~ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

~ I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.

~ If you wear a blindfold at the shooting range, you won’t know what you’re missing.

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Dumb Crook…

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

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Ye Know Ye’re a Pirate When

…you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine.

…you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: “Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I ll burn yer tent!”

…you’re planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: “Who knows? Maybe some day we go to camping.”

…you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about “slithering throats, ARRH!”.

…the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything.

…people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers.

…you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesnt know anything about “loading guns with rusty nails” and you challenge him to a cutlass duel, he turns up and then runs away cause you brought your real cutlass.

…your topic for the evening is smuggling, and your fellows listen politely until you mention “fast motor boats” and starts complaining about how the price on silk has gone down.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Irish Coffee

~Irish Coffee: Black coffee, sugar and Irish whiskey topped with whipped cream.

~Irish coffee was supposedly created in the early 1950s by Joe Sheridan, a bartender at the Shannon Airport. It was publicized by travel writer Stanton Delaplane after he discovered it during his travels.

~The cream used by some bars to make what is sold as “Irish coffee” is sometimes sprayed from a can. Some bartenders gently shake fresh cream to achieve a smooth layer atop the coffee.

In Spain, Irish Coffee (café irlandés) is sometimes served with a bottom layer of whiskey, a separate coffee layer, and a layer of cream on top.

~It was intended to help travelers keep warm while traveling the Atlantic Ocean.

~Whatever the origin, the Buena Vista bar is one of the most popular spots to drink this Irish coffee.

~Irish Festival Serves Up Best Irish Coffee

~Each year in Montgomery, NY the town hosts an Irish festival to pay honor to the Irish heritage. Each year the festival offers traditional Irish crafts, dancing, food, and lots of Irish coffee. The festival takes place in Orange County Park which offers a tranquil setting for a day of fun and relaxation.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it – Frank Howard Clark.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Most people come equipped by nature with all of the pieces of a puzzle necessary to enjoy life with excellent health but by the time they get their career and family underway, most have not only managed to scramble the puzzle … they’ve actually lost some of the pieces. – Diane McLaren