“To get your ideas across, use small words, big ideas and short sentences.” - John Henry Patterson
TODAY – JANUARY 20th – MONDAY
20th day of 2014 with 345 to follow.
Holidays for Today:
*National Buttercrunch Day
*Penguin Awareness Day
*National Cheese Lover’s Day
*National ‘Good Day’ Day
BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
- 1775 André-Marie Ampère, French physicist (one of the main discoverers of electromagnetism)
- 1798 Anson Jones, Great Barrington, Massachusetts, 5th and last President of Texas
- 1895 Gábor Szegő, Kunhegyes, Hungary, mathematician (one of the foremost analysts of his generation and made fundamental contributions to the theory of Toeplitz matrices and orthogonal polynomials)
- 1896 George Burns, NYC, actor, comedian
- 1910 Joy Adamson, Austrian naturalist and writer (Born Free)
- 1920 DeForest Kelley, Toccoa, Georgia, actor (Dr. Leonard McCoy/Star Trek)
- 1926 Patricia Neal, Packard, Kentucky, actress (The Day The Earth Stood Still, Hud, In Harm’s Way, Operation Pacific)
- 1930 Buzz Aldrin, Glen Ridge, New Jersey, astronaut (Apollo 11, 1st manned lunar landing)
- 1931 David Lee, Rye, New York, physicist ( Nobel / discovery of superfluidity in helium-3)
- 1923 Slim Whitman, American singer-songwriter and guitarist
- 1926 Patricia Neal, Packard, Kentucky, actress (Operation Pacific, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Hud, In Harm’s Way)
- 1934 Tom Baker, Liverpool, Britian, actor (4th Dr. Who)
- 1948 Nancy Kress, Buffalo, New York, writer (Beggars in Spain; series Robert Cavanaugh, Crossfire, Probability)
- 1950 Edward Hirsch, Chicago, American poet, editor of DoubleTake
- 1952 Paul Stanley, Manhattan, New York, musician (Kiss)
- 1956 Bill Maher, New York, New York, actor, comedian, and political analyst (Real Time w/Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect)
- 1959 R.A. Salvatore, Leominster, Massachusetts, author (series: DemonWars Saga, Forgotten Realms (Drizzt Do’urdan character), Saga of the First King, Crimson Shadow)
- 1959 Tami Hoag, Cresco, Iowa, author (Series: Oak Knoll, Deer Lake, Hennessy, Loveswept, Quaid Horses)
- 1960 Will Wright, Atlanta, Georgia, computer game designer (designer and co-founder of the game development company Maxis, now part of Electronic Arts)
- 1963 James Denton, Nashville, Tennessee, actor (Desperate Housewives )
- 1966 Stacey Dash, The Bronx, New York, actress (House Arrest)
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. – Mark Twain
- 1801 John Marshall is appointed the Chief Justice of the United States.
- 1885 L.A. Thompson patents the roller coaster.
- 1887 The United States Senate allows the Navy to lease Pearl Harbor as a naval base.
- 1892 At the YMCA in Springfield, Massachusetts, the first official basketball game is played.
- 1920 The American Civil Liberties Union is founded.
- 1937 Franklin Roosevelt is inaugurated for a second term as U.S. President. This is the first inauguration on January 20. The date was changed from March 4 by the 20th Amendment to the Constitution.
- 1941 Franklin Roosevelt is the only President inaugurated for a third term.
- 1945 Franklin Roosevelt’s fourth and final inauguration is held at the White House due to wartime considerations.
- 1953 Dwight D. Eisenhower is inaugurated as the first Republican President in twenty years.
- 1961 John F. Kennedy is inaugurated as the youngest elected and first Roman Catholic President of the U.S.
- 1977 Jimmy Carter is inaugurated as the 39th President of the United States. He is the last President inaugurated at the east front of the Capitol, which had been the traditional site for Presidential inaugurations since 1829.
- 1981 Twenty minutes after Ronald Reagan is inaugurated, at age 69 the oldest man ever to be inaugurated as U.S. President, Iran releases 52 American hostages. It is the first Presidential inauguration to be held at the west front of the Capitol.
- 1986 Martin Luther King, Jr. day is celebrated as a federal holiday for the first time.
- 1987 Church of England envoy Terry Waite is kidnapped in Lebanon.
- 2007 A three-man team, using only skis and kites, completes a 1,093-mile (1,759 km) trek to reach the southern pole of inaccessibility for the first time since 1958 and for the first time ever without mechanical assistance.
- 2009 Barack Obama inaugurated as the 44th and first African-American President of the United States.
As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.
The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in my room.
One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you taking the Book?”
I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. “She’s getting neutered today,” I told him.
“Hmmm,” the student responded, “no sequels.”
A man comes running into the doctor’s office screaming in pain. “Please, doctor, you’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!”
“Don’t worry,” says the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on it.”
“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”
“No, you don’t understand. I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”
“Oh! It happened in the garden behind my house.”
“No, no, no! I mean on the part of your body where the bee stung you.”
“On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!”
“How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me …”
ONE-LINERS: You know you’re henpecked if …
… you wear the pants in the family — under your apron.
… you come right out and say whatever she tells you to think.
… your wife doesn’t have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
… you always have the last word — and it’s always, “I apologize”.
… the last big decision she let you make was whether to wash or to dry.
… you were a dude before marriage — now you’re subdued.
… you married her for her looks, but not the kind you’re getting now.
… she complains about the noise you make — when you’re fixing her breakfast.
… you go to a woman dentist because it’s such a relief to be told to open your mouth instead of shut it.
… every once in a while, she comes to you on bended knees — when she dares you to come out from under the bed.
The Sunday School teacher was describing how, when Lot and his family were fleeing the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
One little boy piped up, “My dad looked back once while he was driving. He turned into a telephone pole!”
WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
A young man volunteered to babysit his girlfriend’s little siblings one night so she could have an evening out with her friends. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back up.
Shortly after 9:00 PM, the doorbell rang. “I’m the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown. Is my son Roger Here?”
“No, he’s not.”
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, “I’m here, Mom, but he won’t let me go home!”
We were discussing the “don’ts” of public speaking in the class that I teach. “Don’ts” include a man reaching into his pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is very distracting. To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, “I need a man who has coins in his pocket.”
That’s when a young woman in the class yelled out, “Honey, so do I!”
What it REALLY Means
~ “We’re going to be late,” REALLY MEANS, “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
~ “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard, “REALLY MEANS, “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
~ “That’s interesting, dear,” REALLY MEANS, “Are you still talking?”
~ “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, “I forgot our anniversary again.”
~ “It’s really a good movie,” REALLY MEANS, “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women.”
~ “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
~ “I do help around the house,” REALLY MEANS, “I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.”
~ “You know how bad my memory is,” REALLY MEANS, “I remember the words to the theme song of “F Troop”, the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
A lady visiting a friend in the hospital got into an elevator. A technician followed her, wheeling a large machine with tubes, wires and dials.
The woman remarked, “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to THAT thing!”
“So would I. It’s a floor polisher.”
TODAY IN TRIVIA: GRANOLA BARS
~Granola is a breakfast food and snack food, popular in North America, consisting of rolled oats, nuts, honey, and sometimes rice, that is usually baked until crisp.
~This is often eaten by those who are hiking, camping, or backpacking because it is lightweight, high in calories, and easy to store; these properties make it similar to trail mix and muesli. It is often combined into a bar form.
~The names Granula and Granola were trademarked terms in the late nineteenth century United States for foods consisting of whole grain products crumbled and then baked until crisp
~Granula was invented in Dansville, New York, by Dr. Connor Lacey at the Jackson Sanitarium in 1894.
~A similar cereal was developed by John Harvey Kellogg. It too was initially known as Granula, but the name was changed to Granola to avoid legal problems with Jackson.
~Another major promoter was Layton Gentry, profiled in Time as “Johnny Granola-Seed”. In 1964, Gentry sold the rights to a granola recipe using oats, which he claimed to have invented himself, to Sovex Natural Foods for $3,000.
~”Granola bars” were invented by Stanley Masonand have become popular as a snack. Granola bars are usually identical to the normal form of granola in composition but differ vastly in shape and the product is most popular in the United States and Canada, parts of southern Europe, Brazil, South Africa and Japan.
QUIP OF THE DAY: Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . .
>“Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.” – Mary Hemingway