Jokes and Trivia for March 13, 2013

Eating, loving, singing and digesting are, in truth, the four acts of the comic opera known as life, and they pass like bubbles of a bottle of champagne.  Whoever lets them break without having enjoyed them is a complete fool. – Gioacchino Rossini

TODAY – MARCH 13th – WEDNESDAY

72nd day of 2013 with 293 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Ear Muff Day

*Jewel Day

*Coconut Torte Day

*Red Cross Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1733 Joseph Priestley, Fieldhead, Birstall, West Yorkshire, English scientist and minister (credited with the discovery of oxygen)
  • 1855 Percival Lowell, Boston, Massachusetts, astronomer (speculated about canals on Mars, founded Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona, started effort that led to discovery of Pluto 14 years after his death)
  • 1884 Sir Hugh Walpole, English novelist (The Dark Forest, The Secret City, Rogue Herries)
  • 1886 John Franklin ‘Home Run’ Baker, Trappe, Maryland, Hall of Fame third baseman (Baseball Hall of Fame 1955)
  • 1899 John Hasbrouck van Vleck, Middletown, Connecticut, physicist, Nobel laureate, or his contributions to the understanding of the behavior of electrons in magnetic solids
  • 1910 Sammy Kaye, Lakewood, Ohio, Big Band Era bandleader & songwriter (Swing and sway with Sammy Kaye)
  • 1911 L. Ron Hubbard, Tilden, Nebraska, science fiction author and founder of Scientology
  • 1914 Edward “Butch” O’Hare, St. Louis, Missouri, Navy pilot and Medal of Honor recipient (Navy’s first flying ace in WWII)
  • 1930 Jan Howard, West Plains, Missouri, singer
  • 1939 Neil Sedaka, Brooklyn, New York, singer and songwriter
  • 1941 Donella Meadows, Elgin, Illinois scientist, best known as lead author of the influential book The Limits to Growth, which made headlines around the world
  • 1942 Dave Cutler, Lansing, Michigan, software engineer (operating systems VMS, Windows NT)
  • 1950 William H. Macy, Miami, Florida, actor (Fargo, Wild Hogs, Air Force One, Jurassic Park III, Panic, Seabiscuit, Sahara)
  • 1953 Deborah Raffin, Los Angeles, California, actress (Nobel House, Touched by Love, 7th Heaven)
  • 1953 Ridley Pearson, Glen Cove, New York, writer (The Angel Maker, In Harm’s Way, Probable Cause, Chain of Evidence; Kingdom Keepers, Peter Pan series for children)
  • 1955 Glenne Headly, New London, Connecticut, actress (Dick Tracy, Mortal Thoughts, Lonesome Dove, On Golden Pond, ER, Monk)
  • 1956 Dana Delany, New York, New York, actress (China Beach, Tombstone, Fly Away Home, Desperate Housewives, Body of Proof)
  • 1975 Chris Ashworth, Farmville, Virginia, actor  (The Wire)
  • 1976 James Dewees, Liberty, Missouri, musician  (Coalesce, The Get Up Kids, Reggie and the Full Effect)
  • 1976 Danny Masterson, Albertson, New York, actor  (That ’70s Show)
  • 1985 Emile Hirsch, Topanga, California, actor (Lords of Dogtown, The Emperor’s Club, The Girl Next Door )

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Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life. – Bertolt Brecht, The Mother, 1932

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1781 William Herschel discovers Uranus.
  • 1930 The news of the discovery of Pluto is telegraphed to the Harvard College Observatory.
  • 1933 Great Depression: Banks in the U.S. begin to re-open after President Franklin D. Roosevelt mandates a “bank holiday”.
  • 1962 Lyman Lemnitzer, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, delivers a proposal, called Operation Northwoods, regarding performing terrorist attacks upon Guantánamo Bay Naval Base, to Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara. The proposal is scrapped and President John F. Kennedy removes Lemnitzer from his position.
  • 1991 The United States Department of Justice announces that Exxon has agreed to pay $1 billion for the clean-up of the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska.
  • 1992 An earthquake registering 6.8 on the Richter scale kills over 500 in Erzincan, eastern Turkey.
  • 1996 Dunblane massacre: in Dunblane, Scotland, 16 Primary School children and 1 teacher are shot dead by a spree killer, Thomas Watt Hamilton who then committed suicide.
  • 1997 India’s Missionaries of Charity chooses Sister Nirmala to succeed Mother Teresa as its leader.
  • 1997 The Phoenix lights are seen over Phoenix, Arizona by hundreds of people, and by millions on television.
  • 2003 Human evolution: The journal Nature reports that 350,000-year-old footprints of an upright-walking human have been found in Italy.
  • 2005 Terry Ratzmann shoots and kills six members of the Living Church of God and the minister at Sheraton Inn in Brookfield, Wisconsin before killing himself.
  • 2008 Gold prices on the New York Mercantile Exchange hit $1,000 per ounce for the first time.

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Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.”

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A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England.  The guide asked the tourists to gather around and then said, “You are standing on the very spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.”

A man in the group asked, “When did that happen?”

“1215,” the guide answered.

The tourist looked at his watch, “Rats!” he said, “Missed it by half an hour.”

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ONE-LINERS: LABEL WARNINGS!

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “Uncertainty Principle,” It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as “Tunneling,” This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor’s Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That in Actuality This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

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pic of the day:

picture of white cat

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE! Daffy Definitions. . .

Adequate: To have acted with the intention of terminating one’s condition of employment. “Adequate if they hadn’t given me a raise.”

Annual: Regarding the prediction of an action. “Buy this here Porsche annual be dating a lot of ladies.”

Aorta: Involving a suggestion for action. “Aorta tear that house down and start over.”

Appeal: Medicine in a form for oral ingestion. “I’m sorry, sir; this is not appeal you swallow. It’s the kind you take rectally.”

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To avoid the flu, we’re supposed to do all the right things:

– Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

– Take your vitamins and bump up your Vitamin C.

– Get plenty of exercise, as it builds your immune system.

– Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator.

– Wash your hands often. If you can’t, keep a bottle of that antibacterial stuff around.

– Get lots of fresh air.  Open your doors and windows whenever possible.

– Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

– Get plenty of rest.

Personally, I take the doctor’s approach. Think about it: When you go for a flu shot, what do they do first? They clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because ALCOHOL KILLS GERMS!

SO …

– I walk to the bar.  (exercise)

– I put lime in my vodka.  (fruit)

– I put celery in my Bloody Mary.  (veggies)

– I drink outdoors on the patio.  (fresh air)

– Tell rude jokes and laugh.  (eliminate stress)

– Then I pass out.  (rest)

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol level up, the flu germs don’t have a chance!

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After many months of training, NASA sent a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. The three were placed in the shuttle. As the countdown neared zero, Mission Control radioed, “On my mark, Bobo go … Mark!Go, Bobo.”

The first monkey started typing on the keyboard in front of him. At the moment the countdown finished the shuttle’s engines ignited and they lifted off.

A short time later Mission Control radioed, “On my mark, Zippy go … Mark! Go, Zippy.”

The second monkey started typing. Shortly after he finished the empty fuel tank separated and the shuttle achieved orbit.

After that, Mission Control radioed, “On my mark, Richard go …”

The astronaut interrupted, “I know, I know.  Feed the stupid monkeys and don’t touch anything.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: COCONUT

~Coconuts are a prehistoric plant that scientists believe either came from the South Pacific around what is now New Guinea.

~The sailors aboard Vasco de Gama’s ships gave the coconut its name.  They called it “Coco”, named after a grimacing face or hobgoblin.  When the “coco” came to England, the suffix of nut was added and that’s how the name came about.

~Coconut oils contain MCTs, a median chain triglycerides which are easy to digest.  The oil is source of energy and has an accelerating effect on the metabolism.

~Coconut oils also contain four growth hormones, called cytokinins, and three sets of chromosomes – or triploids – that help the development of many organisms.

~Coconut water is considered the “father of modern tissue culture science”.

~Coconut water can be used as a plasma extender (universal donor).

~Near Port Royal, Jamaica a stone monument on the Palisadoes commemorates the planting of the first coconut tree on the island on March 4, 1869 by John Norton, the Superintendent of the General Penitentiary. 

~Just a reminder: One cup of unsweetened shredded coconut has about 25 grams fat and 280 calories.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Some day my boat will come in, and with my luck I’ll be at the airport. – Anonymous

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Never let life’s hardships disturb you … no one can avoid problems, not even saints or sages. – Nichiren Daishonen