Jokes and Trivia for April 22, 2013

Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back: a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country. – Anais Nin

TODAY – APRIL 22nd – MONDAY

112th day of 2013 with 253 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Earth Day

*Girl Scout Leader Day

*National Jelly Bean Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1592 Wilhelm Schickard, German mathematician (claimed that the drawings of a calculating clock, predating the public release of Pascal’s calculator by twenty years, had been discovered in two unknown letters written by Schickard to Johannes Kepler)
  • 1873 Ellen Glasgow, Richmond, Virginia, author (The Descendant, The Battle-Ground, In This Our Life)
  • 1891 Laura Gilpin, Austin Bluffs, Colorado, photographer (Southwestern landscapes, photos of Native Americans, especially Pueblo & Navajo)
  • 1904 J. Robert Oppenheimer, New York City, NY, physicist (“father of the atomic bomb” as part of Manhattan Project, founding father of American school of theoretical physics)
  • 1906 Eddie Albert, Rock Island, Illinois, actor (Green Acres, Switch, The Longest Yard, Escape to Witch Mountain, Rooster, Dreamscape)
  • 1919 Donald J. Cram, Chester, Vermont, chemist (Nobel / development and use of molecules with structure-specific interactions of high selectivity)
  • 1926 Charlotte Rae, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, actress (Diff’rent Strokes, The Facts of Life, 101 Dalmatians: The Series)
  • 1936 Glen Campbell, Delight, Arkansas, singer, musician, and actor
  • 1937 Jack Nicholson, Neptune City, New Jersey, actor, director, producer & writer (One Flew Over the cuckoo’s Nest, As Good as It Gets, Terms of Endearment, The Shining, Easy Rider, Wolf, A Few Good men, The Departed, Batman, Mars Attacks!)
  • 1943 Louise Glück, New York City, NY, poet and 12th US Poet Laureate (Firstborn, The Garden, Ararat, The Seven Ages, A Village Life)
  • 1959 Ryan Stiles, Seattle, Washington, actor ( improv and co-production work on the American and British versions of Whose Line Is It Anyway?)
  • 1966 Dana Barron, New York City, New York, actress (Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure )
  • 1966 Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Seattle, Washington, actor (Grey’s Anatomy, Supernatural, The Comedian, Watchman, Magic City)
  • 1973 Brian Marshall, Fort Walton Beach, Florida, musician (Creed and Alter Bridge)
  • 1977 Aaron Fink, American musician (Breaking Benjamin and Lifer)
  • 1986 Amber Heard, Austin, Texas, actress (And Soon the Darkness, John Carpenter’s The Ward, Drive Angry )
  • 1987 BC Jean, San Diego, California, singer-songwriter and actress, best known for writing the song “If I Were a Boy” for R&B singer Beyoncé
  • 1994 Devin Velez, Chicago, Illinois, singer, Top 10 finalist on the twelfth season of American Idol

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Mistakes, obviously, show us what needs improving. Without mistakes, how would we know what we had to work on? – Peter McWilliams, Life 101

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1823 Roller skates patented by Robert John Tyers, a fruiterer in Picadilly, London. The first four-wheeled skates, using small boxwood wheels in pairs, were patented in 1863 by James L. Plimpton of New York.
  • 1836 A day after the Battle of San Jacinto, forces under Texas General Sam Houston capture Mexican General Antonio López de Santa Anna during the Texas Revolution.
  • 1863 American Civil War: Grierson’s Raid begins – troops under Union Army Colonel Benjamin Grierson attack central Mississippi.
  • 1864 The U.S. Congress passes the Coinage Act of 1864 that mandates that the inscription In God We Trust be placed on all coins minted as United States currency.
  • 1876 The first ever National League baseball game is played in Philadelphia.
  • 1889 At high noon, thousands rush to claim land in the Land Run of 1889. Within hours the cities of Oklahoma City and Guthrie are formed with populations of at least 10,000.
  • 1915 In the first use of modern chemical weapons in war, German troops released chlorine gas from several metal cylinders on the front lines at Ypres, Belgium during WW I. The cloud of yellow-green gas painfully killed 5000 soldiers by suffocation, constriction of the chest, tightness in the throat, and edema of the lungs.
  • 1964 The 1964-1965 New York World’s Fair opens for its first season.
  • 1969 The first human eye transplant was performed.
  • 1970 The first Earth Day is celebrated.
  • 1977 Optical fiber is first used to carry live telephone traffic.
  • 1983 The German magazine Der Stern claims that the “Hitler Diaries” had been found in wreckage in East Germany; the diaries are subsequently revealed to be forgeries.
  • 1998 Disney’s Animal Kingdom opens at Walt Disney World near Orlando, Florida, United States.
  • 2000 In a pre-dawn raid, federal agents seize six-year-old Elián González from his relatives’ home in Miami, Florida.
  • 2008  The United States Air Force retires the remaining F-117 Nighthawk aircraft in service.

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One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

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At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

“Say, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the man replied.

“When I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That’s wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

“I was born here.”

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ONE-LINERS: Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams

– The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

– Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

– Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

– All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

– Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue.

– Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

– A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

– Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

– Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

– A harp is a nude piano.

– Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you’d better not try to sing.

– I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.

– My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

– Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

– Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

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pic of the day: Bourbon Red Tom Turkey

bourbon-red-tom-turkey

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A frog walks into a bank and asks the teller, “Who do I talk to about getting a loan?” The teller shows him to the office of the loans manager, Ms. Patricia Black.

“I would like a loan for $20.00 to buy a new lily pad,” the frog tells her.

“Do you have any collateral?” asks Ms. Black.

The frog produces a small statuette of the Eiffel Tower with the inscription “Souvenir of Paris” engraved on the base. Unsure whether or not the object is worth the amount of the loan, she summons the bank manager.

The manager inspects the trinket, nods his head, and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black – give the frog a loan.”

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Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, “Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?”

The man replied, “That’s one of the benefits you get of owning the company.”

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A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, ‘I’m running away from home!’

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. He asked, ‘What if you get hungry?’

‘Then I’ll come home and eat!’, bravely declared the child. ‘ And what if you run out of money?’

‘I will come home and get some!’, readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, ‘What if your clothes get dirty?’

‘Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them.’ was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, ‘This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!!’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: JELLY BEAN

~Very Cherry remained the most popular flavor of Jelly Belly beans for two decades until 1998.

~Blueberry flavor was created for Ronald Reagan’s presidential inauguration in 1981 when over three tons of Jelly Belly beans were consumed during the festivities.

~A portrait of President Ronald Reagan made from 10,000 Jelly Belly beans hangs in the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California.

~During the presidency of Ronald Reagan, Jelly Belly beans were served in the Oval Office and on Air Force One.

~Enough Jelly Belly beans were eaten in the last year to circle the earth more than five times.

~The original eight flavors of Jelly Belly beans introduced in 1976 were Very Cherry, Root Beer, Cream Soda, Tangerine, Green Apple, Lemon, Licorice and Grape.

~ President Reagan sent the first jelly beans into space when he sent them on the 1983 flight of the space shuttle Challenger.

~Jelly Belly donated 288,000 jelly beans in 47 different flavors for the world’s first jelly bean stop-motion animation music video “In Your Arms” by Kina Grannis; released November 2011.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. – Pablo Picasso

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

It is not work that kills men, it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade. It is not movement that destroys the machinery, but friction. – Henry Ward Beecher