Jokes and Trivia for September 14, 2010

We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck… But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness. – Ellen Goodman

FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 14th – TUESDAY

257th day of 2010 with 108 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Cream-Filled Donut Day

*Eat a Hoagie Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1713 Johann Kies, Tübingen, Baden-Württemberg, German mathematician, one of the first to propagate Newton’s discoveries in Germany
1769 Alexander von Humboldt, Berlin, Germany, naturalist and explorer, Known for biogeography
1804 John Gould, Lyme Regis, Dorset, England, ornithologist, His identification of the birds now nicknamed “Darwin’s finches” played a role in the inception of Darwin’s theory of evolution
1849 Ivan Pavlov, Russia, physiologist/pioneer in psychology, Nobel (classical conditioning (Pavlov’s dogs))
1867 Charles Dana Gibson, Roxbury, Maine, illustrator, drew “Gibson Girl”
1899 Hal B. Wallis, Chicago, Illinois, film producer (Casablanca)
1914 Robert McCloskey, Hamilton, Ohio, author (One Morning in Maine and Burt Dow, Deep Water-man)
1914 Clayton Moore, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Lone Ranger)
1933 Harve Presnell, Modesto, California, actor (The Unsinkable Molly Brown.)
1936 Ferid Murad, Whiting, Indiana, physician and pharmacologist, known for Discoveries concerning nitric oxide as a signaling molecule in the cardiovascular system
1936 Walter Koenig, Chicago, Illinois, actor, writer (Chekov-Star Trek; Alfred Bester-Babylon 5)
1947 Sam Neill, New Zealand actor (Jurassic Park/Dr. Alan Grant, Merlin’s Apprentice, The Tudors)
1949 Ed King, Glendale, California, guitarist (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
1970 Ben Garant, Cookeville, Tennessee, actor (Reno 911!)
1981 Ashley Roberts, Phoenix, Arizona, singer, dancer & actress (Pussycat Dolls)
1989 Logan Henderson, North Richland Hills, Texas, actor and musician, best known for his starring role on the Nickelodeon series, Big Time Rush

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To be mature means to face, and not evade, every fresh crisis that comes. – Fritz Kunkel

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1682 Bishop Gore School, one of the oldest schools in Wales, is founded.
1814 The poem Defence of Fort McHenry is written by Francis Scott Key. The poem is later used as the lyrics of The Star-Spangled Banner.
1847 Mexican-American War: Winfield Scott captures Mexico City.
1862 American Civil War: The Battle of South Mountain, part of the Maryland Campaign, is fought.
1901 President of the United States William McKinley dies after an assassination attempt on September 6, and is succeeded by Theodore Roosevelt.
1948 Groundbreaking for the United Nations headquarters in New York City.
1958 The first two German post-war rockets, designed by the German engineer Ernst Mohr, reach the upper atmosphere.
1959 The Soviet probe Luna 2 crashes onto the Moon, becoming the first man-made object to reach it.
1972 “Waltons” TV program premiers.
1975 The first American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, is canonized by Pope Paul VI.
1994 The Major League Baseball season is canceled because of a strike.
1998 Telecommunications companies MCI Communications and WorldCom complete their $37 billion merger to form MCI WorldCom.
2001 Historic National Prayer Service held at Washington National Cathedral for victims of the September 11 attacks. A similar service is held in Canada on Parliament Hill, the largest vigil ever held in the nation’s capital.

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Said to be an actual call to a computer tech-support line, and I don’t doubt it. “My computer’s power just died.”

“OK. Is everyone else’s computer in that room working?”

“Yes.”

“What were you doing right before it went out?”

“I had just plugged my curling iron into the power strip.”

“Really? What else is plugged into there?”

“Well, my radio, my space heater, my cup warmer, my printer, my monitor, and my computer.”

“Did you unplug anything to plug your curling iron in?”

“Yes, my printer.”

“Well, unplug the curling iron, plug the printer back in and press the button on the power strip.”

“Hey! My computer is working now! Is there something wrong with the power strip?”

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The conference emcee announced, “Next we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly.”

The chief took his place at the lectern. “I’m a little nervous,” he began, “getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today.

But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!”

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ONE-LINERS : ALTERNATE DEFINITIONS

LECTURE: The art of transferring information from the notes of the one lecturing to the notes of the listeners – usually students – without passing through the minds of either.

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everyone talks, no one listens, and later everyone disagrees about what was said.

COMPROMISE: The art of slicing a cake in such a way everyone believes they received the biggest piece.

TEARS: The force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.

CLASSIC NOVEL: A book which people praise, but seldom read.

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

OFFICE: A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home.

ETC.: An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.

FATHER: The banker that nature provides.

CRIMINAL: A person who is different from the rest of us only due to the fact he or she was caught.

DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills with pills but kills you with his bills.

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I took a package to the post office to mail the other day. The clerk said, “This will cost $2.40 for fast delivery or $1.30 for slower service.”

“There is no hurry,” I said, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”

“That will be $2.40, please.”

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pic of the day: Rooster Crowing

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Golden Oldie… Overheard In a Toy Store

“I’d like a Barbie doll, please.”

“Which Barbie would that be?”

“How many kinds are there?”

“We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00″

“Why is Divorced Barbie so much more than all the others?”

“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture …”

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Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini marts to get myself a cup of freshly brewed coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

“How old is the coffee you have here?” I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. “Don’t know. Been workin’ here only two weeks.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
~ The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground
~ The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
~ If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
~ A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
~ A bicycle can’t stand alone, it is two tired.
~ A will is a dead giveaway.
~ Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
~ A backward poet writes inverse.
~ In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
~ I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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Bob was having trouble sleeping at night. He’d tried everything: Over the counter sleeping pills, warm milk, counting sheep, watching old, boring movies on late night television, and every other old wives’ tale and suggestion from friends.

Finally he went to his doctor, who prescribed a heavy dosage of extra-strength sleeping tablets.

Bob took the pills on Sunday night and awoke before he even heard the alarm, realizing he’d slept soundly. Elated, he dressed unhurriedly and took his time arriving at his office for work. When he walked in and saw his boss, he said, “I finally slept great last night! And I didn’t have a bit of trouble getting up this morning!”

“That’s fine,” his boss replied, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”

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I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!!!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What can we get from a massage?

Massage is a treatment in which a therapist manipulates muscles and other soft tissues of the body using the hands. This helps to improve health and well-being. There are varieties of massage range from gentle stroking and kneading of muscles and other soft tissues to deeper manual techniques. Massage has been accepted as a healing therapy for centuries around the world. It helps lessen muscle tension, reduce stress, and induce feelings of calmness. Even though massage affects the body as a whole, it particularly influences the activity of the musculoskeletal, circulatory, lymphatic, and nervous systems.

One good thing is that this has contribution to those who has breast cancers. In a study of 6 breast cancer patients undergoing radiation, they usually experienced tension and tiredness, and many symptoms from the radiation treatments. But with the help of massage, they achieved more vitality and tranquility, less tension and tiredness, and fewer symptoms every after receiving back massages.

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LIFE LESSON: I have no faith in human perfectability. I think that human exertion will have no appreciable effect upon humanity. Man is now only more active – not more happy – nor more wise, than he was 6000 years ago. – Edgar Allan Poe
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Quip of the Day: In examinations, the foolish ask questions the wise cannot answer.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have. – Doris Mortman