Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” – Erica Jong
FOR TODAY – JANUARY 4th – MONDAY
Holidays For Today: Trivia Day* Flower Basket Day* Braille Day* National Spaghetti Day*
4th day of 2010 with 361 to follow.
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
1643 Sir Isaac Newton, English mathematician/ natural philosopher (Law of Gravity, Laws of Motion, etc.)
1785 Jacob Grimm, German philologist and folklorist (one of the Brothers Grimm)
1809 Louis Braille, French teacher of the blind and inventor of braille
1813 Isaac Pitman, English inventor (shorthand, vegetarian)
1900 James Bond, Philadelphia PA, ornithologist (name used by Ian Fleming for his fictional spy)
1930 Don Shula, Grand River OH, football coach (Lions, Colts, Dolphins)
1945 Richard R. Schrock, Berne IN, chemist (Nobel/ metathesis reaction used in organic chemistry)
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Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? — Mark Twain
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
1847 Samuel Colt sells his first revolver pistol to the United States government.
1865 The New York Stock Exchange opens its first permanent headquarters at 10-12 Broad near Wall Street in New York City.
1885 First successful appendectomy is performed by William W. Grant on Mary Gartside.
1896 Utah is admitted as the 45th U.S. state.
1959 Luna 1 becomes the first spacecraft to reach the vicinity of the Moon.
1975 Elizabeth Ann Seton becomes the first American-born saint.
1999 Former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura is sworn in as governor of Minnesota.
2004 Spirit, a NASA Mars Rover, lands successfully on Mars at 04:35 UTC.
2007 The 110th United States Congress convenes, electing Nancy Pelosi as the first female Speaker of the House in U.S. history.
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I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. They eat so much game, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up wistfully and said, “Boy, it sure
would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods.”
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A young hotshot pilot in an F-18 Hornet was flying escort for a B-52 bomber and, being horribly bored, began flying rings around the bomber, hotdogging it and doing rolls where the other pilots were sure to see him.
The brash young pilot said, “Anything you can do, old dog, I can do better.”
The veteran pilot responded, “Oh, yeah? Try this, kid.”
For several minutes nothing happened. The B-52 continued to fly straight and level. Finally the grizzled bomber pilot came back on the radio, “Let’s see you try that, hotshot.”
“Try what?” asked the F-18 pilot. “What did you do?”
“I shut down two engines, got up, stretched, then got a cup of coffee.”
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ONE-LINERS : Church Bulletin Bloopers
~ At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
~ Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
~ Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
~ Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
~ The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
~ Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
~ The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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“Tommy, spell ‘before’.
“Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.”
“No, that’s incorrect. Jimmy, can you spell ‘before’?”
“Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.”
“No, that’s wrong too. “Little Johnny, please spell ‘before’.”
“Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.”
“Excellent Little Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?”
“That’s easy. ‘Two plus two BEFORE.’”
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pic of the day: Goat, Llama & Guineas
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Retired husband to wife: “What will you do if I die before you do?”
“Hmmm … I’ll probably look for a house-sharing arrangement. Maybe two or three single or widowed women … maybe a little younger than me, since I’m fairly active for my age. What would you do if I die first?”
“Probably the same thing.”
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Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away. Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: “Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn’t last very long in our house.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
Amanda fix the refrigerator is here.
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A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and near the top, something that looked strangely like a bullet.
She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.
“It’s a cartridge in a bare tree.”
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Two guys applying for jobs at a large company had to take an intelligence test. After the test they met in a bar and compared notes.
“What did you say for the question that said to name a 14-letter word for someone in charge of a plant.”
“I thought it was tough at first, but then I thought of ‘Superintendent’.”
“Hmmm … I wonder who’s right. I wrote down ‘Horticulturist’.”
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A banker was arrested recently for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter’s college education. As the policeman was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, “My daughter’s in college too. I have one question for you: where were you going to get the rest of the money?”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: When were pennies first minted? The U.S. Mint was authorized to produce one-cent copper coins on April 2, 1792. Originally, there were four designs struck: the “chain” cent, the “wreathed” cent, the “flowing hair” cent, and the “liberty” cent.
~ How long does an octopus live? To a human, one giant octopus looks virtually the same as any other of the same size and species. This explains why divers claim to have seen the same octopus occupy a den for ten or more years. But an octopus seldom lives longer than four years.
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LIFE LESSON: Regard your good name as the richest jewel you can possibly be possessed of – for credit is like fire; when once you have kindled it you may easily preserve it, but if you once extinguish it, you will find it an arduous task to rekindle it again. The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear. – Socrates
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There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and — Brad Ramsey
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
THE LAST WORD: Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow. – Norman Vincent Peale
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