Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein
FOR TODAY – JANUARY 20th – WEDNESDAY
20th day of 2010 with 345 to follow.
Holidays for Today:
*National Buttercrunch Day
* Penguin Awareness Day
* First Day of Aquarius
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
1798 – Anson Jones, Great Barrington Mass., 5th and last President of Texas
1896 – George Burns, NYC, actor, comedian
1910 – Joy Adamson, Austrian naturalist and writer (Born Free)
1920 – DeForest Kelley, American actor (Dr. Leonard McCoy/Star Trek)
1926 – Patricia Neal, Packard KY, actress (The Day The Earth Stood Still, Hud, In Harm’s Way, Operation Pacific)
1929 – Arte Johnson, Benton Harbor MI, actor (Laugh In)
1930 – Buzz Aldrin, Glen Ridge NJ, astronaut (Apollo 11, 1st manned lunar landing)
1934 – Tom Baker, British actor (4th Dr. Who)
1948 – Nancy Kress, Buffalo NY, writer (Beggars in Spain; series Robert Cavanaugh, Crossfire, Probability)
1956 – Bill Maher, NYC; actor, comedian, and political analyst (Real Time w/Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect)
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
1788 – The third and main part of First Fleet arrives at Botany Bay. Arthur Phillip decides that Botany Bay is unsuitable for location of a penal colony, and decides to move to Port Jackson.
1841 – Hong Kong Island is occupied by the British.
1887 – The United States Senate allows the Navy to lease Pearl Harbor as a naval base.
1920 – The American Civil Liberties Union is founded.
1937 – Franklin Roosevelt is inaugurated for a second term as President of the United States. This is the first inauguration scheduled on January 20, following adoption of the 20th Amendment. Previous inaugurations were scheduled on March 4.
1961 – John F. Kennedy is inaugurated as the youngest man, and first-ever Roman Catholic, to become elected President of the United States.
1981 – Iran releases 52 American hostages twenty minutes after Ronald Reagan is inaugurated as U.S. President, the oldest man to be inaugurated at 69 years of age.
1987 – Church of England envoy Terry Waite is kidnapped in Lebanon.
1994 – Gene test was reported in Nature which could predict at an early age the likelihood of osteoporosis in later life.
2009 – Barack Obama, inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States of America, becomes the United States’ first African-American president.
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“Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.” – William Shakespeare
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We were discussing the “don’ts” of public speaking in the class that I teach. “Don’ts” include a man reaching into his pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is very distracting. To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, “I need a man who has coins in his pocket.”
That’s when a young woman in the class yelled out, “Honey, so do I!”
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A young man volunteered to babysit his girlfriend’s little siblings one night so she could have an evening out with her friends. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back up.
Shortly after 9:00 PM, the doorbell rang. “I’m the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown. Is my son Roger Here?”
“No, he’s not.”
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, “I’m here, Mom, but he won’t let me go home!”
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ONE-LINERS: Humor Just for Women
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says…”
What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they’re all pigs.
How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
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A lady visiting a friend in the hospital got into an elevator. A technician followed her, wheeling a large machine with tubes, wires and dials.
The woman remarked, “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to THAT thing!”
“So would I. It’s a floor polisher.”
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pic of the day: Goat in Field
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THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS John F. Kennedy was on a training cruise near Cuba, and we received a report of yet another Soviet photo-reconnaissance aircraft. After launching fighters to escort it away, our captain came on the loudspeaker and called for all those not on watch to go to the flight deck and bring their cameras.
Imagine Soviet intelligence’s embarrassment when the plane’s photographs were developed and, instead of revealing sensitive operations, showed a thousand U.S. sailors taking pictures of the Russian aircraft. – Steven E. Haynes, WT1
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More Of What it REALLY Means
~ “We’re going to be late,” REALLY MEANS, “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
~ “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard, “REALLY MEANS, “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
~ “That’s interesting, dear,” REALLY MEANS, “Are you still talking?”
~ “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, “I forgot our anniversary again.”
~ “It’s really a good movie,” REALLY MEANS, “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women.”
~ “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
~ “I do help around the house,” REALLY MEANS, “I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.”
~ “You know how bad my memory is,” REALLY MEANS, “I remember the words to the theme song of “F Troop”, the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
“Wait a minute,” said one of the researchers, “Wouldn’t it be a kindness if our ship’s doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?”
“Not on your life,” exclaimed the doctor, “That would be defeeting the porpoise.”
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10 Features of The Company Car
– Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
– Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
– Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
– The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
– It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
– It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
– The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
– Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
– It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
– It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
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The Chaplain was newly assigned to this particular Navy vessel and on his first day he noticed how much grief the Mess Specialists (cafeteria cooks) had to put up with from the enlisted men, and how they gave back as good as they got.
So the Chaplain went to the Food Service Officer and received permission to talk with the Mess Specialists. He spoke about how to treat your fellow man, how to turn the other cheek, explained about the Golden Rule and said that if they served the food with a cheerful attitude and a willing smile, in a very short time the galley would be a much happier environment in which the crew could take their meals.
After this “pep talk,” the Chaplain and the Food Service Officer stood by to watch how the next meal went.
A new recruit was slowly walking down the line with his tray, and couldn’t seem to find anything he liked, until he got to the dessert section. There he picked up a saucer containing a large slice of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist serving in that area noticed the sailor’s tray and said, “Is that all you’re going to eat?”
The sailor replied, “Yeah, the rest of it don’t look so good.”
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, “I understand. Would you like *two* pieces of chocolate cake?”
“Yeah, that’d be great!” exclaimed the new recruit.
Standing nearby, the Chaplain poked the Food Service Officer in the ribs and whispered, “Looks like my talk did some good.”
At this point the Mess Specialist leaned over the counter and deftly cut the sailor’s cake in half.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Where can you find penguins? Penguins are found in Antarctica, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Chile, Peru, the Falkland Islands, and the Galapagos Islands. Elsewhere, they are only found in zoos.
~ What is agnosticism? The belief that it is impossible to know whether God exists, or to have any other theological knowledge. T. H. Huxley and Bertrand Russell were influential agnostics.
~ What is MSG? The letters stand for MonoSodium Glutamate. It is an amino acid that brings out the flavor of foods containing protein. The only trouble with this flavor enhancer is large amounts fed to infant mice destroyed nerve cells in the brain, so there is a question of what it does to the human brain. It is also responsible for the “Chinese restaurant syndrome,” a burning sensation in the back of the neck and forearms, tightness of the chest, and headache, in some people.
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LIFE LESSON: “Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.” Mary Hemingway
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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
THE LAST WORD: Seize the moment of excited curiosity on any subject to solve your doubts; for if you let it pass, the desire may never return, and you may remain in ignorance. – William Wirt
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